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Song Parodies -> "Trialling Speech"

Original Song Title:

"Wear Sunscreen"

Original Performer:

Mary Schmich

Parody Song Title:

"Trialling Speech"

Parody Written by:

Ian Stuart

The Lyrics

This is not really a song, however it has been parodied so much, I thought I'd add my own version to the collective. This particular work is specifically for those who compete in Trials in Land Rovers (seeherefor an idea of what I'm talking about.
Ladies and Gentlemen of the club of slroc... Drive Land Rovers.

If I could offer you only one sport for the future, trialling would be it.
The long term benefits of trialling in Land Rovers have been provided over the past 50 years, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience...
I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and the beauty of your V8;
oh never mind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your V8 until it has worn out.
But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at videos of your vehicle and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous it really was...

It was not as noisy as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to seal tanks with chewing gum.
The real troubles in your life are apt to be the things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every event that scares you.


Don't be reckless with other people's vehicles, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours'.


Don't waste your time on jealousy; sometimes your ahead, sometimes your behind... the championship is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old Competition Trophies, throw away your old score cards.


Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your vehicle... the most interesting drivers I remember didn't know at 32 what mods they wanted for their vehicle,
some of the most interesting 50 year olds I know still don't.

Use plenty of Sunscreen.

Be kind to your springs, you'll miss them when they're flat.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't, maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't, maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken at our 50th anniversary... whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either - your choices are half chance, so are everybody else's.

Enjoy your vehicle, use it every way you can... don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it's the greatest thing you'll ever own.

Drive... even if you have nowhere to do it but in your local carpark.

Read the regulations, even if you don't like them.

Do NOT read the glossy magazines, they will only make you feel angry.

Get to know your committee, you never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to fellow competitors; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to compete with you in the future.

Understand that novices come and go but for the precious few you should hold on.

Work hard to bridge the gaps in technology in models because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in countryside once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in a big city once, but leave before it makes you soft.


Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, competitors will cheat, you too will get old, and when you do you'll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, cometitors were noble and novices respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to sponsor you. Maybe you have a friendly garage, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with the bodywork, or by the time it's 20, it will look 35.

Be careful whose advice you buy, however, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the rusty parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the Trialling...
copyrightIan Stuart, 2002

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