I wash myself, always shower daily
And sometimes my skin, gets all dry and scaly
I lotion up, sometimes it helps a bit
Sometimes I itch and I throw a hissy fit

When I've tried, everything else
When my body itches I scratch myself
When I've tried everything else, oh no

Now sometimes, im outside in public
At my job, or I'm in a class
I'll get an urge to start-a-scratchin'
Got an itch on my ass

The people stare, and say that they're grossed out
They'd rather die, or get their undies hosed out
They say leave it be, it will soon go away
But I think they're all fools, I'll take care of this my way

When I've tried, everything else
When my hinder itches I scratch myself
When I've tried everything else, oh no

I'll line my shorts with soothing relief cream
I use more Cru-ex than a whole basketball team
I'll scrub myself, that's not euphemism
If I scratch too much, i just might go to prison

When I've tried, everything else
When my package itches I scratch myself
When I've tried everything else, oh no

(spoken)
I'm itchy, and I've tried everything else
I guess I'm gonna have to scratch myself
Ooohh...ooohh....ooohhh...AAAAHHHHH!!

When I've tried, everything else
When my bodyitches I scratch myself
When I've tried everything else, oh no