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Song Parodies -> "CBS"

Original Song Title:

"Be Our Guest"

Original Performer:

Beauty and the Beast (Jerry Ohrbach and Angela Lan

Parody Song Title:


Parody Written by:

John Jenkins

The Lyrics

CBS parent company Viacom and chairman of the board Sumner Redstone are concerned about all of the notoriety that the CBS news division has recently received. Although CBS's entertainment shows are performing well, the news division has dropped behind NBC, ABC, and even the Fox News Channel, which is not available in the many homes that do not have cable.
REDSTONE: My fellow board members, it is with deepest embarrassment and greatest frustration that we meet tonight. And now, let us discuss the only item on our agenda ... Dan Rather.

We once reveled in success.
How it evolved into infamy
Is anybody's guess.
Politics, global news,
Our main goal is to confuse!
If you complain, we'll act pious
And deny our left wing bias.
We're not like NBC,
We embellish history
With far-fetched rumors we choose not to suppress.
When our news reporters fail
To get complete details, we just guess,
We just guess, we just guess!

Our esteem? A cold case!
It vanished without a trace.

Now matching up and catching Fox will take the amazing race!
Yes, we are - under siege
And have squandered our prestige.
CSI's investigating
Our bruised, battered Nielsen ratings.
We'll blame Rove, we'll blame Bush,
But then when shove comes to push,

We know that our alibis are merit-less.

Dan Rather is the guy
Who gave us the black eye
And much distress.

Now his mess - forces us to re-assess


News would sound much fairer if our anchor weren't in error.
But our Dan is just the man to mis-portray.
Because when he is on a story,
Facts are things that don't get in his way.
For years he's reported,
And news headlines he's distorted.
That's why his "Sixty Minutes" Nielsen ratings
Were deflating and, in fact, migrating
Down the trash disposal
'Til He got Burkett's proposal.

I said "Yes!" I said "Yes!"
And, 'though I will not confess,
I got caught, 'cause I did not
See the superscript address.
Management's in despair
'Cause I misused Cronkite's chair.
Will they can my Texas jive or
Let me be a news survivor?
I report, fast and loose.
Should I get the evening noose?
Critics want me gone, but please don't acquiesce.

We are in disarray.

But should we let Dan stay

Please say, "Yes."

He'll depress

Thanks to Dan's sloppiness,
We are not the center of the universe, and we're clueless.
And, though you think it's strange,
You know we will never change.
We'll put up with viewer rancor,
We'll keep Rather as our anchor.

We showed our paradigm
At the Super Bowl half time,
And that's not the only boob at CBS.
Because we are network whores,
We hire boobs galore!
Clearly BS!

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Matches Pace of
Original Song: 
How Funny: 
Overall Score: 

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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.5
How Funny: 4.5
Overall Rating: 4.5

Total Votes: 38

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   4
 2   0
 3   0
 4   2
 5   32

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

2nz - November 17, 2004 - Report this comment
Excellent JJ. Really tight job with them lyrics. 'Evening Noose' and 'Clearly BS' were my highlights.
John Barry - November 17, 2004 - Report this comment
Brilliant! You should be running the network.
Ingeborg S. Nordén - November 17, 2004 - Report this comment
I didn't even know about the CBS scandal, since I rarely wtch TV; still, you made the story entertaining and picked a great original song to tell it. 555 channels and nothing on... :)
Guy - November 17, 2004 - Report this comment
(SOTM) I'm getting my comments in early for your entry.into Nov SOTM. I've done several parodies on Mr. Rather myself and I really, really liked this one. John. That hillbilly Rather deserves all this song says about him and more. Funny thing - the CBS affiliate in my area is on channel 5. Coincidence that you get the same number for a vote? I think now.
Scathe - November 17, 2004 - Report this comment
5's por vous, mon ami.
martha - November 17, 2004 - Report this comment
yet again another fabulous....... lyric 5s John!
John Jenkins - November 17, 2004 - Report this comment
Thanks to 2nz, John B, Ingeborg, Guy, and Martha and merci to Scathe. Guy, I remember at least 2 of your Rather parodies and they were good.
Royce Miller - November 18, 2004 - Report this comment
wow, you put alot of work into this; enjoyed it
John Jenkins - November 19, 2004 - Report this comment
Thank you, Royce.
Claude Prez - November 20, 2004 - Report this comment
Voted earlier but never commented. Wow! Some fantastic rhymes. Extremely clever and it gets better every time I read it. Very well done.
John Jenkins - November 30, 2004 - Report this comment
Thank you, Claude.
Cookie-man - December 01, 2004 - Report this comment
Great work. Very Funny! :)
Know 1 can hear you dream - December 08, 2004 - Report this comment
(SOTM) This story has made it all the way to Sweden, and I liked the parody.
Adagio - December 09, 2004 - Report this comment
LOL...highlight for me was..."When our news reporters fail To get complete details, we just guess, We just guess, we just guess!". I chuckled at that one! Everything else is funny, too. 5's
Cookie-man - December 10, 2004 - Report this comment
Forgot to put this in my initial comment (SOTM) :)
Rick D - December 10, 2004 - Report this comment
This just shows how much variety two people can get out of the same song.
Scathe - December 10, 2004 - Report this comment
(SOTM) The press never misses a good oportunity for public display and neither does a parody writer. Thank you for making the scavengers into the scavenged.
Arwen - December 10, 2004 - Report this comment
SOTM--way to go! Very clever!
Melhi - December 12, 2004 - Report this comment
(SOTM) This is *ahem* Rather good. ;)
Phil Alexander - December 14, 2004 - Report this comment
Yeah... what Melhi said :-) My last two SOTM entries have been to this song, too - it does rather lend itself to sweet wordplay, doesn't it?
EmiLoca - December 17, 2004 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Too many great lines to bother mentioning. Which is ironic, because I'm probably typing more right now than I would have to if I took the time to type out all the creative and clever lines that I fell in love with as I read. - December 19, 2004 - Report this comment
Ditto Emi's comment. Hell, ditto EVERYONE'S comments. Stellar work. And I see that your parody predated Rather's "stepping down" announcement by several weeks, which makes it rather (cough) prescient as well.
Tim Mayfield - December 22, 2004 - Report this comment
(SOTM) John, great lines in here!
Johnny D - December 29, 2004 - Report this comment
(SOTM) CBS = See B.S. 555!
Stuart McArthur - December 29, 2004 - Report this comment
(SOTM) very clever wordplay John - don't know most of the mainly US references though
Claude Prez - December 29, 2004 - Report this comment
Like I said before, better every time. No BS. Love the references to CBS shows like Cold Case and Without A Trace. Extremely good.
Peregrin - December 29, 2004 - Report this comment
Very good parody. 5's
Meriadoc - December 29, 2004 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Oh dear! Must put aside my right wing bias and try to imagine if I would still find it hilarious as a left-winger. Probably not. Good job JJ (I feel so terribly guilty right now... :-P )
Jeff Reuben - December 30, 2004 - Report this comment
Now thats entertainment!!
Paul Robinson - December 31, 2004 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Well, inspite of my politics I found this to be superb, JJ...5's...I rather it weren't so well done, actually. OH...5's..
Paul Robinson - December 31, 2004 - Report this comment
A further note - rather sad ---Jerry Ohrback, the fine actor for so many years on "Law & Order" and a very talented performer on the stage just passed away in the last day or so...
John Jenkins - January 01, 2005 - Report this comment
Thanks to all for the comments and votes, and I appreciate that some of the references in the parody would have been obscure for non-Americans. Phil, yes – it seems that a lot of topics, such as Ron Artest, CBS, and breasts, can be done to either ABBA's "SOS" or "Be our Guest;" but there must be a reason that amiright has 14 "Guest" parodies and only one "SOS" parody. Emi, I wasn't sure whether your "ironic" comment was sarcastic, but I definitely appreciate the discreet briefcase. Claude, I appreciate your recognition of the CBS titles that were worked into the parody. Meriadoc, don't feel guilty. We have all seen your perceptive comments and the extra work you do to download songs you don't know, and I definitely respect the objectivity of your voting. Paul, I agree that a lot of talent departed from this world when Jerry Orbach entered the life eternal last week.
martha - January 04, 2005 - Report this comment
another parody that needed some googling to get to grips with .... very interesting to read about memogate et al..... but loved the parody so cleverly written!
richg - May 19, 2007 - Report this comment
Quite the best!
John Jenkins - May 19, 2007 - Report this comment
Thank you, richg. It is gratifying (and surprising) to receive a positive comment on a 2 1/2 year old parody.
Claude Prez - July 26, 2014 - Report this comment
Classic Guestfest continues with one of the great commenters in AmiRight history proving he is also one of the greatest parodists. Wonderful stuff here John.
John Jenkins - September 03, 2014 - Report this comment
Claude, I am humbled by your taking the time to comment on a parody that is almost 10 years old! Yes, you are one of the greatest commenters and parodists that this web site has been priviledged to exhibit. Sorry it took me over a month to find your comment; but, since you (and a few others) are not active any more, this site does not seem quite as invigorating and I don't check it out every day any more.
Claude - September 03, 2014 - Report this comment
Yeah, you can say it, John: this place sucks anymore. It's a shell of its former self, a ghost town complete with crazy old coots cackling from the porches. But I can't seem to look away from the magnificent train wreck. Anyway, thank you for your part in making this place as great as it once was.
Claude Prez - September 03, 2014 - Report this comment
Ha, Chucky should just change the name of the place to Arndt-I-nuts
John Jenkins - September 03, 2014 - Report this comment
Claude, there is probably a parody there - maybe to 'Be Our Guest.'

But thank YOU for all of the talent that you shared with the rest of us! And for initiating the parody of the month contest back in 2004. For about 2 or 3 years, there were some amazingly creative and clever entries in that competition!
Agrimorfee - September 04, 2014 - Report this comment
John and Claude, SOTM died because no one but me, Matthias, Blaydeman, TCOP, and Weird Abbott were the only people participating. And it's sad to note that we are probably the only people here who still are devoted to parody writing as an art form. I wish core people like yourselves could devote your skills here more often. Merry and Pippen seem to be on a boost, I have hope.
Crax and Jax (QOC) - September 04, 2014 - Report this comment
Agrimorfee & Co., I care nothing of your elite and insular group. Had you paid more attention, you'd have noticed and nurtured the new, few great talents who put their sweat into this art form, but ran afoul of 1-bombers and assorted fools and ignoramuses, and so they packed it in early. The cliques, the political thugs, the showboats, the scatologists, the 5s-giving brown noses, the idle trolls, and the faux parodists are responsible for having turned this operation into a "train wreck."
Crax and Jax (QOC) - September 04, 2014 - Report this comment
And now an idiot savant struts and dominates the stage.
Agrimorfee - September 04, 2014 - Report this comment
"Crax and Jax (QOC)"--If you are not Rob Arndt Jr., who in the holy hell are you? Messages over the past several months were created by myself and this so-called "elite and insular" group at and on the AIR homepage to encourage participation in SOTM, ABC and Artistry contests. Lack of participation is the fault of non-participants, not the people who ruin this place (as you correctly cite), and certainly not the people who try to maintain the spirit of fun, friendly criticism/competition and cameraderie this place used to have. (sorry to pollute your page here John, but I am galled by this troll)

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