REDSTONE: My fellow board members, it is with deepest embarrassment and greatest frustration that we meet tonight. And now, let us discuss the only item on our agenda ... Dan Rather.

CBS, CBS,
We once reveled in success.
How it evolved into infamy
Is anybody's guess.
Politics, global news,
Our main goal is to confuse!
If you complain, we'll act pious
And deny our left wing bias.
We're not like NBC,
We embellish history
With far-fetched rumors we choose not to suppress.
When our news reporters fail
To get complete details, we just guess,
We just guess, we just guess!

BOARD OF DIRECTORS:
Our esteem? A cold case!
It vanished without a trace.

REDSTONE:
Now matching up and catching Fox will take the amazing race!
Yes, we are - under siege
And have squandered our prestige.
CSI's investigating
Our bruised, battered Nielsen ratings.
We'll blame Rove, we'll blame Bush,
But then when shove comes to push,

BOARD:
We know that our alibis are merit-less.

REDSTONE:
Dan Rather is the guy
Who gave us the black eye
And much distress.

BOARD:
Now his mess - forces us to re-assess

REDSTONE & BOARD:
CBS, CBS, CBS.

REDSTONE:
News would sound much fairer if our anchor weren't in error.
But our Dan is just the man to mis-portray.
Because when he is on a story,
Facts are things that don't get in his way.
For years he's reported,
And news headlines he's distorted.
That's why his "Sixty Minutes" Nielsen ratings
Were deflating and, in fact, migrating
Down the trash disposal
'Til He got Burkett's proposal.

DAN RATHER:
I said "Yes!" I said "Yes!"
And, 'though I will not confess,
I got caught, 'cause I did not
See the superscript address.
Management's in despair
'Cause I misused Cronkite's chair.
Will they can my Texas jive or
Let me be a news survivor?
I report, fast and loose.
Should I get the evening noose?
Critics want me gone, but please don't acquiesce.

BOARD:
We are in disarray.

REDSTONE:
But should we let Dan stay
At CBS?

RATHER:
Please say, "Yes."

BOARD:
He'll depress

REDSTONE:
CBS
CBS, CBS.
Thanks to Dan's sloppiness,
We are not the center of the universe, and we're clueless.
And, though you think it's strange,
You know we will never change.
We'll put up with viewer rancor,
We'll keep Rather as our anchor.

REDSTONE AND BOARD:
We showed our paradigm
At the Super Bowl half time,
And that's not the only boob at CBS.
Because we are network whores,
We hire boobs galore!
CBS, CBS, CBS,
Clearly BS!