The theater's cruel,
The theater's hollow.
It's only Hollywood that
Can ever be trusted!
It is your only friend.
We who make the movies
People pay for.
We who make the films
People prefer.
If you hope for profit,
I suggest that you go Hollywood,
I'll help refer.

(Remember what I've taught you.)

You have no gifts, (I have no gifts)
You have no talents, (I have no talents)
You fail at life; in fact, I think
You're maladjusted.
You'll still lose in the end. (You act so condescending)
Theater is a worthless occupation. (A worthless option)
Theater is the worst choice for career. (An awful option)
Why invite the criticism that I've found to be austere?
Avoid the theater (Avoid it)
It's a cheater (Enjoyed it)
Do as I say
Obey
And live in fear (I'll live in fear)

Safe behind the blackened veil
Of Hollywood's dark glow
Gazing at the theater-going people.
All my life I've watched them as I
Scorn the life I know,
That of being stuck upon a steeple.
All my life, I've memorized the showtunes,
Knowing them like I know businesspeople.
All my life, I've wondered how it feels to pass a day
In an odd way, like on Broadway!

On Broadway,
I could be a star!
If I were on Broadway,
I'd say au revoir to movies;
Hello Broadway!
I'll be above par today
'Cause I'll live
As I say
"Please forgive me, good Broadway!"

Broadway has got the shows that people really love to see;
Shows like "Drood," "Producers," and "Les Mis"
Every year they give awards that many will agree
Are the best to ever come from show biz!

If I were in their shoes
I'd know I could not lose
On Broadway
Writing brilliant songs;
Catchy tunes on Broadway,
Where my heart belongs.
I swear I'll be content
On that day
When I'm sent far away!
No lament, no dismay!
My ascent up to Broadway!