(Make haste, save Princess Peach!
They’ve maimed our Princess Peach!)

[MARIO]:
Making my way through this world for hours
Consuming the shrooms and the bright gold stars
A plumber who’s racing the clock through each pipe line

They claimed, “Just a job,
Rogue plants, minor clogs…
And death-turtle hordes that fly?!”

Princess Peach
Out of my reach
Off in some castle
World was wrecked, chose to defect
Now Koopa’s king
So, I’m the gent to take on
Those Goombas, Boos and Bomb-ombs
I’m roto-rooting a wacky menagerie

Princess Peach
Rang us at three
“Glad that I called ya,”
Bad reception in her den - AT&T?
Just voiced occasional words:
“A castle … Bowser… I’m bored”
My bro’s house-sitting?! – Good lord,
It’s up to me!

Weeks of stepping on level one hammers
(Zone eight is ugly, dude)
Pwning Chain Chomps
Throughout level three
(Laughable characters – fish with feathers?)
Beating Bowser’s a job without glamour
Take heat from attacks
Jump on his axe
Then some Toad asshole says to me:

[TOAD/MARIO]:
“Princess Peach
(What’s the reason for this ceaseless warring?)
Sorry, but she’s
Not in this castle
(Deftly mashing A and B, side-scrolling)
I’m too weak, else I might seek
Where she might be
(Stupid Peach, she didn’t think to give directions?)
Can’t leave this room, I don’t dare
(Special mushrooms give me super powers)
A trusted eunuch, I swear
(Shooting stars and snorting fire flowers)
Can’t walk, just blink and declare: ‘Where’s Princess Peach?’”
(All to save a girl with 8-bit bleached-blonde tresses!)

[MARIO]:
I’ve just died in world five out of twenty
(I’m not a junkie! Don’t freakin’ judge me!)
But, exhumed, I’ve returned to compete
(In that respect – I resurrect)
Final stage and it’s no longer funny
Put an end to this!
Prospects are dim
(Can’t turtles swim?)
Nope, he’s drowned and he’s kind-l-ing
Finally!
Mamma-mi…

Princess… Peach!
Hey, it’s-a me!
Greetings from Mario!
I get cake and a high five – seriously?
This vapid female’s my wife
Shit, I’ve been shafted for life
While DK barrel lifts; Kirby’s a star
Samus saves the alliance
And Link gets a sword
And while Lara’s raiding
And Sonic’s playing
For purple diamonds and rings
I’m slave…
To Princess Peach