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Song Parodies -> "(They Cut the Teams at) UNO"

Original Song Title:

"UHF"

Original Performer:

Weird Al Yankovic

Parody Song Title:

"(They Cut the Teams at) UNO"

Parody Written by:

Edward Genereux

The Lyrics

In March 2011, a sad fate befell the University of Nebraska at Omaha's football and wrestling teams. As part of the school's planned move to NCAA Division I, both programmes were to be cut to save money and comply with Title IX. A petition was circulated to keep the teams going; but in the end, the Board of Regents of the University of Nebraska System voted unanimously to go ahead with the move. Personally, I don't get it: If four schools in the Dakotas--two states that, combined, have a smaller population than Nebraska--can move to NCAA Division I without sacrificing any teams, why did UNO have to slay football and wrestling--the latter had been reckoned the Division II team of the 2000s--in order to move to D-I? Anyway, this is my 88th parody but first of Weird Al in some time--it should be noted that the OS is a true OS.
Stanza I.
When the regents voted yes, the players sat and wept.
In the course of that night, there were none who really slept.
We all knew that they had lost the football programme
And the wrestling programme as well.
In spite of all their success, they were goin' through living hell
'Cos they had heard the death knell.

Refrain I.
Let us remember when, on that day,
They cut the teams at UNO.
I wailed and mourned when I heard people just say:
"They cut the teams at UNO."
The regents are so stupid, they do not know a thing
'Bout how these two programmes made Nebraskans sing.
They cut the teams, they cut the teams at UNO.

Stanza II.
What will UNO do without these successful teams?
They'd better rethink their decision or else I will start to scream!
They did sell out to those Title IX extremists
Who want women's sports to take the lead,
But let me tell you, they don't make chicken feed;
This all makes my heart bleed.

Refrain II.
I wouldn't send my children there;
They cut the teams at UNO.
This just is not right and it just isn't fair;
They cut the teams at UNO.
If anywhere in that town, to Creighton they'll go
'Cos the regents in Lincoln made this school just blow.
They cut the teams, they cut the teams at UNO.

(Guitar solo)

Bridge.
In the place of these teams, UNO did create
Teams for men's golf and association;(1)
But those sports can't make up for the teams who were lost
In one big act of humiliation.

Refrain III.
Don't trust the regents who voted yes;
They cut the teams at UNO.
They killed the programmes that were 'mongst D-II's best;
They cut the teams at UNO.
Their only big sport left is the men's hockey team
'Cos basketball prowess is just a pipe dream.
They cut the teams, they cut the teams at UNO.
(Repeat "They cut the teams at UNO" and fade)
Footnote: (1) Association is an international term for soccer.

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Pacing: 4.0
How Funny: 4.0
Overall Rating: 4.0

Total Votes: 2

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Tokusou Sentai Blessranger - June 17, 2011 - Report this comment
Edward, you almost run out of cards, but you have earned 111 points. You won the battle, but the war's not over yet!
Title ix, another disaster mandated by liberals - June 17, 2011 - Report this comment
Title IX No. 1 demands equal opportunities for those who demonstrate the talent and desire to excel, regardless of sex. Title IX No. 2 causes taxpayer-supported colleges to eliminate male programs in sports that have hundreds of thousands of high school participants and add programs that have small or no high school constituencies, such as precision skating and equestrian. All simply to satisfy a quota. Supporters of Title IX No. 2 say taking sports opportunities away from boys is the price of equality and males must experience pain after a history of privilege and preference--even though females already have the majority of participants in the total number of extracurriculars including sports, theater, band, dance, chorus and debate. Title IX No. 1 is what Congress originally intended: equal opportunity for boys and girls without mandating equal outcomes. Title IX No. 2 is the abuse of males at the hands of callously indifferent gender-quotas-in-sport-only advocates. We have lost thousands of male NCAA opportunities in the last decade through dropped teams and senseless slashing of non-scholarship athletes on existing teams. Shrinking squads by dropping athletes who pay their way to school and play simply for the love of the game does no one any good. It was proved before Title IX No. 2 was created that female sports opportunities could be provided fairly without resorting to gender-quotas. We have ample evidence that a considerable amount of senseless destruction comes with gender-quotas in our school sports. We only need one Title IX. Which do we want?

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