You wake up in the middle of the night,
Somehow something doesn't seem quite right,
Your layin' there and your stomach starts churnin',
You gas a little and your ass starts burnin',
So tired but you cant go to sleep,
You hope to god that there's enough T-P,
Promised yourself you would get some last week,
One more promise you didn't keep,
It seems that somehow you ran out,
You have to wipe, you don't know how,
This time you must really find another way...

Runs of great pain,
Need to wipe your crack,
There's no T-P and there's no going back,
Seems like you should have had some somewhere,
Somehow you should use your underwear,

Cannot help you clean your vertical smile,
You've been sitting there for quite a while,
How on earth did you kill a half an hour?
Maybe you should just jump in the shower,

You had to go you REALLY had to go!
You let it blow you REALLY didn't know,
There you are just-a dealing with the stains,
Cause you had to go and use the Haines,
Everything on your but is dry,
You have no shirt and you know why,
Somehow you, just had to relieve it...

Runs of great pain,
Need to wipe your crack,
There's no T-P and there's no going back,
Seems like you should have had some somewhere,
Somehow you should use your underwear,

Started itchin' from the runs of great pain,
That's what you get for using up the Haines,
You're tender to the touch, little inflamed,
Just easier than dealing with the shame,

Runs of great pain,
Need to wipe your crack,
There's no T-P and there's no going back,
Seems like you should have had some somewhere,
Somehow you should use your underwear,

Runs of great pain never come back,
Runs of great pain tearing up your crack,
Runs of great pain stinkin up the place,
Runs will spray and it always seems the same.