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Song Parodies -> "Don't Have A Penis"

Original Song Title:

"Can't Fight This Feeling"

Original Performer:

REO Speedwagon

Parody Song Title:

"Don't Have A Penis"

Parody Written by:

Hu's On First

The Lyrics

This was partly inspired by Spaff's previous, SOTY parody of the same song ("Can't Find My Penis"). However my version is about a different and more obscure topic: the Skoptsy, a Russian religious sect that practiced castration (and mastectomy for women) as a means of purification, and was led by a a man named Kondratii Selivanov who claimed to be both Jesus and the late emperor Peter III. At their peak the sect may have had 100,000 adherents.
I don't have a penis; I'm a Skoptsy
The Lord says that the genitals are bad
And Adam, when created, had no body
The lepost* is the cause of every problem folks have had

Forbidden Fruit was grafted onto Adam
And Eve as well; it formed their nuts and breasts
And now we're better off 'cause we don't have 'em
We've cut our private parts off; to be purified's our quest

Kondratii Selivanov's the Christ who came to us
Salvation through castration's the thing in which we trust
We gyrate when we go to worship, but feel no lust

And I don't have a penis anymore
So I'll get no temptation from the whores
And I would never dare to look at porn
I use a bovine horn
For peeing

No I don't have a penis anymore
My testicles are gone; they were a bore
Our women's chests are flattened; that's for sure
Their backs will not get sore
No, we don't have naughty organs anymore

Our lives are not as boring as you're thinking
We don't have sex, but we have gotten rich
We've got no time for idle things like drinking
We work as moneylenders, for us life's not a bitch

When a hundred forty thousand are our number
The empire of the saints will come to be
And we do not have wet dreams while we slumber
We go under the knife for to restore our sanctity

We're all a bunch of eunuchs, and that is true for real
But it's hard to take a leak when you've had the greater seal***
And we would have no reason ever to cop a feel

And I don't have a penis anymore
The spot where it was, still is kinda sore
And I have got a scar I can't ignore
And whizzing is a chore

No I don't have a penis anymore
A chastity belt would be too softcore
Our women will not darken bra shops' doors
Their chests are like surfboards
'Cause we don't have any privates anymore
* Lepost was what they called sexuality; they believed it was inherently sinful **Recently (in the 1950s), a study suggested that male eunuchs live 14 years longer than uncastrated men. Looks like the life of a Skoptsy might not have been without its advantages. ***They called removal of just the testicles the "lesser seal", while removing the penis as well was called the "greater seal" Here's their Wikipedia article

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Original Song: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.0
How Funny: 3.4
Overall Rating: 3.8

Total Votes: 5

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   1
 2   0
 3   0
 4   1
 5   3

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

Dave W. - March 27, 2012 - Report this comment
I can see a Monty Python skit here....Funny stuff
Porfle Popnecker - March 28, 2012 - Report this comment
Cringe-inducing, yet amusing.
Johnny - August 01, 2014 - Report this comment
Im Skoptsy this is mockery. Were coming back, will take future elections and legislate our beliefs. Pervs days are numbered!

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