I don’t like this diet my doctor gave me
So I thought I’d invent my very own
And I feel pretty sure that it’ll save me
From going nuts and pigging out when I’m alone

They tell me my ways are bad and I should mend them
But that’s just what my diet’s all about
I know the rules but I just slightly bend them
Using sneaky little tactics
So I never go without

And ever since I started, I’m feeling really great
‘Cause I eat just what I want to, I can fill my dinner plate
But there’s just one problem…. I don’t seem to lose any weight!

CHORUS
This diet isn’t working anymore
I was ten stone, now I’m nearly eighteen four
They tell me I should wire up my jaw
Or exercise some more…. No, never!

This diet isn’t working anymore
Having trouble fitting through the kitchen door
My feet are putting dents into the floor
My thighs are chafed and sore
Guess this diet isn’t working anymore

My diet rules are relaxed but fundamental
If it’s half-fat you can eat twice the amount
Anything you eat while you cook is inconsequential
And the stuff you eat whilst standing
Well you know it doesn’t count

And even as I quote them, I know that they make sense
If you give up Haagen-Daz you need Big Macs to recompense
My scales broke last night but that’s just a coincidence….

Or this diet isn’t working anymore
People say I’m bigger than a dinosaur
That’s bigger than I ever was before
And my skirts are splitting more than ever

This diet isn’t working anymore
Now my boobs are ricocheting off the floor
This eating plan must have a fatal flaw
Of that I’m fairly sure
Yeah this diet just aint working anymore