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Song Parodies -> "Gollumian Rhapsody"

Original Song Title:

"Bohemian Rhapsody"

Original Performer:


Parody Song Title:

"Gollumian Rhapsody"

Parody Written by:


The Lyrics

Went and saw "The Hobbit" with my two kiddies (who are 22 and 24 respectively) The Gollum Rhapsody has been done once before about 10 years ago by "The Comedian" in conjunction with the LOTR trilogy. This song makes reference to Gollum's encounter with Bilbo and is sung by Gollum as he waits to bushwack Bilbo at the entrance to his cave
Is its the Precious
Is its beloved ring
Lost in an orcs fight
No escape for the Hobbit Thief
Panic, Black Heart, stumbles 'round in the dark and sees
I'm just a Stoor boy*, I know for certainty
That The Thief will come, haves no doubt
Knows not ways of getting out
Any ways the Thief runs
It shall bring The Precious
To me

Hobbit, just kills an orc
Puts my teeth-ses 'gainst its throat
Throws its carcass in our boat
Hobbit, meal had just just begun
But then you comes and wins a riddle game
Hobbit, ooooooh, your riddle wasn't fair
If I'm not back from island within the hour
Tarry on, tarry on .. 'cause nothing's going to happen

Too late, The Gift is gone**
Curse and crush us for all time
Nasty Baggins does the crime
Good-bye, trick-sey hobbit, at last we knows
It puts it in its pockets and makes a ruse
Hobbit, ooooh, it's time for it to die
This time it wishes it never met dwarves at all

I see a trick-sey halfling-etto of a thief
Barad-dur, Barad-dur, does it asks us fair question
Thinks its oh-so-clever, curses it forever ... Yes-s-s!
In its pockets, in its pockets ... In its pockets, in its pockets
In its pockets, in its pockets ... Gift did go
We hates it so!!!
I'm just a Stoor boy, nobody loves me
We're just a Stoor Boy, from the Stoor Hobbit-sees
Banished to live 'neath the Mountain Misty
Easy come, easy go will we lets it go
It tricks us, NO! we will not lets it go (Lets it go!)
It tricks us, we will not lets it go (Lets it go)
It tricks us, we will not lets it go (Lets it go)
Will not lets it go (Lets it go)
Will not lets it go (Lets it go)
Will not lets it go (Lets it go, oh oh, oh)
No, no, no, no, no, no, no
Oh Gollum-Smeagol, Gollum-Smeagol
Gollum-Smeagol, lets it go
The Baggins-es is a goblin in disguise for me .. for me .. For ME!

So it thinks it takes Precious from underground lair
So it thinks it can tricks us with riddles not fair
Oh Baggins, you won't escape from me Baggins
It wants to gets out, never does get out of this cave

Halfling 'scaped with Precious
Baggins-es did flee
Halfling stealing Precious
Halfling stealing Precious
From me ...
(Anyway the Thief runs...)

*Gollum at one time was a Stoor Hobbit -- a group of river dwelling proto-hobbits, who was banished from his community for murdering Daegol to get the Ring .... ** Gollum sometimes refers to the Ring as his "birthday present"

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Original Song: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.4
How Funny: 4.5
Overall Rating: 4.5

Total Votes: 20

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   2
 2   0
 3   1
 4   2
 5   15

User Comments

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Old Man Ribber - January 03, 2013 - Report this comment
We hates Bagginses!! But this parody is really The Precious. Truly impressive. ;D
Rob Arndt - January 03, 2013 - Report this comment
Not the Gollum I was thinking of, but 555 anyway!!!
Callmelennie - January 03, 2013 - Report this comment
Don't tell me you're a LOTR/Hobbit nerd as well, OMR
Jonathan - January 03, 2013 - Report this comment
I don't know the source material but I got some good chuckles from this anyway 4's
Callmelennie - January 03, 2013 - Report this comment
What Gollum were you thinking of, Robert? Was there some Third Reich wonder weapon in development called "The Gollum"?
Rob Arndt - January 03, 2013 - Report this comment
CML, do I detect either some faint sarcasm or broad stereotyping in your reply? I actually was thinking of the GOLEM horror film of 1920 (yeah, been a long time so I misspelled it) which is based on Jewish folklore:
Callmelennie - January 03, 2013 - Report this comment
You did indeed, Robert -- although I have no idea where it came from :-D
Lifeliver - January 03, 2013 - Report this comment
Nice work, Lennieses. The short 'movements' in the song help to dramatize Gollum's ultimate traumatic moment. 'Stoor-boy' was inspired, and Barad-dur a nifty sub (though Gollum has yet to encounter its horrors). The only reservation I have with this is that Gollum's story has been done to death here - he seems to be everybody's favorite for sending up. But the world of Tolkien is vast and there is still much to be explored. Then again, that would narrow the potential audience. My recent effort with Radagast didn't seem to generate much interest.

I saw the movie twice, once in English in 2D and once in dubbed Japanese to get the 48/fps 3D effect (overrated - it made the painted backgrounds look artificial). You can only watch 3D in Japanese here because of the subtitle problem - audiences are insufficient to justify non-subtitled screenings. The voice actors did pretty well, except for two characters: Gollum and Saruman. The voices of Andy Serkis and Christopher Lee are simply inimitable. Precious fiveses.
Phil Alexander - January 04, 2013 - Report this comment
Excellentses, precioussss, yesss. We likes it, we does.
Callmelennie - January 04, 2013 - Report this comment
Thanks LL, Phil, OMR. And Robert, I keep forgetting my manners -- gratitude first, then sarcasm -- so thank you Robert. And LL, the end of the song is perfect for Gollum because he never has a doubt that he'll get the Ring back until at the very last moment, it's gone .. forever.
Callmelennie - January 04, 2013 - Report this comment
And yo, where my LOTR posse at? Glen, Merry, Pippin .. where you at?
Wendy Christopher - January 07, 2013 - Report this comment
Yaaay.... we likes a Tolkien parody, yes we does, Preciouss!! And it seems like there's a weird bit of synchronicity going on too, since I'm just working on a Gollum parody myself (but further on in the story than yours.) I loved this one - epic in many, many ways, and follows Gollum's turn of phrase beautifully. A 5 for each third of the trilogy :^)
Ann Hammond - January 07, 2013 - Report this comment
I laughed
travis - January 19, 2013 - Report this comment
This was very well written would be mountainy mist, I think it have a better flow than mountain misty.
Glen S - February 01, 2013 - Report this comment
Outstanding Lennie. Great work throughout here. Especially enjoyed the "halfling-etto of a thief" section, and really good paraphrasing of the book in "Curse and crush us for all time"
Arwen - May 03, 2013 - Report this comment
Speaking Gollum-ese is tricksy to be I understand a few pacing issues that I ran into. Once again, I can't not love Middle Earth themed stuff... :)
Claude Prez - September 05, 2017 - Report this comment
Correct on both counts, CML -- This is outstanding; I'll add it to the list for sure. And yes, I'm c4p on the messageboard -- speaking of which, this seems like as good a place as any to advertise that in addition to the Favorites list, I'm considering a Monthly Top Ten contest in the Song Parody Contest forum, but it may not happen if I don't get more interest. The theory is that by highlighting the quality on the site, more new visitors will be inspired and challenged to stay and participate. Any parody author who plays well with others is more than welcome. Thanks.

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