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Song Parodies -> "Naked and Afraid (We Couldn't Start a Fire)"

Original Song Title:

"We Didn’t Start the Fire"

 (MP3)
Original Performer:

Billy Joel

Parody Song Title:

"Naked and Afraid (We Couldn't Start a Fire)"

Parody Written by:

Claude Prez

The Lyrics

Imagine my dismay when I finished this whole thing and realized it’s not a Beatles song ….Just kidding, of course - thanks to Stuart for encouraging me to do it anyway
Just a woman, just a man, no clothing, just a tan
Awkward meeting, look a penis, optimism’s cheap
Rancid water, homemade filter, poison berries, crappy shelter
North mosquitos, south mosquitos, nonexistent sleep

Thorny weeds, tramp stamps, frigid temps, cutter ants
Sand fleas and spider bites, creepy noises in the night
Heat exhaustion, this sucks, wait - there’s no million bucks?
Anacondas, red piranhas, someone give us last rites!

We couldn’t start a fire
Thought there’s nothing to it but we couldn’t do it
We couldn’t start a fire
We’re not gonna make it but at least we’re naked

Scorpions in our beds, anvils dropped on our heads
Nonstop raining - and complaining, murderous crocs
Bot flies, samurais, really crappy wifi
Quirks, jerks, mail clerks, velociraptor-pox

Strychnine, gangrene, Sabretooth and Wolverine
Killer hippos, fungus gnats, lurking vultures, Thundercats
Bull moose, zany traps, dire mental health lapse
Bad boo-boos, worse tattoos, lethal toxic tree saps!

We couldn’t start a fire
We could not remember how to get an ember
We couldn’t start a fire
We’re not fire starters we’re just tired farters

Countless ticks! Falling trees! Howler monkeys! Killer bees!
Jaguars! Pushy broads! Cruel wrathful island gods!
Filthy hair! Hissy fits! Pixelated naughty bits!
Black panthers! Misery! Torturous humidity!

(waaaahahwoah)
Dysentery, wild boar, space lizards, Al Gore
Naked butts, typhoons, festering machete wounds
Trench foot, water snakes, Charley horses, tummy aches
Burmese pythons, demidogs, dreaded purple death frogs!

We couldn’t start a fire
Tried to make a bow drill but we just have no skill
We couldn’t start a fire
We’ve had lots of training but it WON’T STOP RAINING

Deadly swamps, flash floods, rabid weasels, crabs, C.H.U.D.S.
Gators, craters, lots of Terminators
Wicked hypothermia, barracudas, hernias
Stingrays, vipers, *very* poopy diapers
Black bears, vampire bats, condescending bureaucrats
Eating slugs! Needing hugs! JESUS CHRIST THESE *BLEEP*ING BUGS!!!

We couldn’t start a fire
Brought a Happy Meal not some flint and steel
We couldn’t start a fire
Yes we know we oughta but we’re under water

Tiger sharks, fire ants, sell my soul for freaking pants
Sunstroke, dark caves, parasites, tidal waves
Take a break from coconuts, did I mention naked butts
Tricky spooning with my chum, spouse at home is feeling dumb

Dehydration, thank your food, overbearing attitude
Marmosets, cold and wet, plagues, rats, TV sets
Nervous breakdown at wit’s end, silent treatment from my friend
Raw emotions thrown my way!— I CAN’T TAKE A SECOND DAY!!!

We couldn’t start a fire
Thought there’s nothing to it but we’re way too stupid
We couldn’t start a fire
We tell everyone
It’s what we call fun - What fun! What fun! What fun! What fun…what fun?
We couldn’t start a fire
Brought stiletto heels not some flint and steel
We couldn’t start a fire
Looked like we were golden till our Bic got stolen
We couldn’t start a fire
We’re not fire starters we’re expired martyrs
We couldn’t start a fire
Yes we know we oughta but we’re sparks non grata
We couldn’t start a fire
No we couldn’t light it so this show can bite it

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 LittleLots
Matches Pace of
Original Song: 
How Funny: 
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Voting Results

 
Pacing: 3.4
How Funny: 3.4
Overall Rating: 3.4

Total Votes: 21

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   8
 8
 8
 
 2   0
 0
 0
 
 3   1
 1
 1
 
 4   0
 0
 0
 
 5   12
 12
 12
 

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

Peregrin - February 28, 2018 - Report this comment
LOL, link = "This video contains content from SME, who has blocked it in your country on copyright grounds." Good thing you told us the OS. I will go have a read now and if needsbe I will play my only copy to sing along! Back with comments after!
Peregrin - February 28, 2018 - Report this comment
I have heard of a lot of 5th Beatles, but I have never heard Billy Joel named as one. Okay, now that is out of the way, I am not familiar with the show you are lampooning, but it is all very self-explanatory. Excellent lines and rhymes abound, my absolute favourite being "Pixelated naughty bits". Laughed throughout. Woke my wife who is unwell (it is 10 to midnight as I write this) so you DID start a fire after all :)
Agrimorfee - February 28, 2018 - Report this comment
OMFG, Claude. You killed this.
Stuart McArthur - February 28, 2018 - Report this comment
Yeah, but despite all that, could be kinda fun. Not. Brilliant stuff Claude. You get my first dusted-off TMGLTM, but "We’re not gonna make it but at least we’re naked" and "Tricky spooning with my chum, spouse at home is feeling dumb" were standouts - Top of your game here my friend - 555
Stuart McArthur - February 28, 2018 - Report this comment
oh, and thanks for the shout-out at the top to my WDSTF parody too Claude
Matthias - February 28, 2018 - Report this comment
Ya know... I read a parody by Claude Prez and I think it can't get much funnier than this. This is perfection. I thought that about "Kazoo Guy" and "No One Spanks Like A Nun" but you are ALWAYS able to top yourself. I was dying laughing reading this one. I don't think ANYTHING you write can be funnier than this one but I'm awaiting the surprise for the next song you write!
Phil Alexander - February 28, 2018 - Report this comment
Another TMGLTM sort of comment. Great to see you writing at this sort of level again, Claude :-D
Jonathan - February 28, 2018 - Report this comment
once again, I have to commend anyone who takes on this, what I imagine would be a nightmare of a song to parody! a winner is you! 5s
Yeah? - February 28, 2018 - Report this comment
Anyone can do this OS with a rhyming dictionary online. Others have done it already. It would be hard if one resumed the song from the '80s to 2018. You'd have to compile by decade and then sort the people, places, and events in chronological order. No small feat, but not impossible either.
Matthias - February 28, 2018 - Report this comment
Yeah? It takes more than a rhyming dictionary to make an outstanding parody. It needs to have a great idea and very funny lines especially when you get humor from reading the lyrics alone because you can’t have a funny delivery from your voice or sound effects. Talent like Claude’s is rare.
Claude Prez - February 28, 2018 - Report this comment
Thanks everybody! And Rob, I'll look for your Vogon poetry version any day now
wannabemustangjockey - March 01, 2018 - Report this comment
I love me a good WDSTF parody! I busted up laughing many times reading this.
CML - March 01, 2018 - Report this comment
I think WDSTF should be in the Big Seven, replacing "Bohemian Rhapsody" -- "Rhapsody" is not nearly as complex as "Fire"
Zzz - March 01, 2018 - Report this comment
As boring as the series
Claude Prez - March 01, 2018 - Report this comment
Thanks wbmj! And CML, I’ve always thought of it and that REM one you’ve done as unofficial numbers 8 and 9. But if you take out BoRap you definitely have to take out SuperCal, that one’s notoriously simple. Be great to see Big Seven or something like it be a thing again
Jeff Reuben - March 01, 2018 - Report this comment
You can do the Beatles for Billy Joel Month! Great job with this, I had an idea for the same title years ago involving cavemen (or just my friends and I camping). This is fantastic.
TJC - March 01, 2018 - Report this comment
Awesome, Claude! Fantastic streams of hilarious semi-sequiturs. Prez for Pres.!
Kristof Robertson - March 01, 2018 - Report this comment
I loves me a good list parody, and this is a blue ribbon example. You just HAD to throw in the Thundercats to tip it over the edge, didn’t you? I’ve managed to sew my sides back together, and am now well enough to hand over some 5s. It’s great to have ya back, Claude.
Patrick - March 01, 2018 - Report this comment
A great salute to the ultimate dumb and dangerous "reality" show. I listened to the original once, and found it very hard to follow. Reading your parody I can slow down and enjoy the rhymes and the nicely varied choruses. I certainly commend you on a great answer to a very challenging OS.
Claude Prez - March 01, 2018 - Report this comment
Thanks everyone! And hey! A TJC sighting, awesome!
Spaff.com - March 04, 2018 - Report this comment
Is March 4th too early to cast our votes for Song of the Year? This is one of the best pieces of writing I've read in a long time. In any genre. Brothers and sisters and gender-neutral-siblings: Gaze at the verbal pyrotechnics of one Mr. Claude Prez, if you dare. It will make you all feel naked. And afraid.
Claude Prez - March 05, 2018 - Report this comment
Well hey there Spaff - nice of you to take time out of your busy schedule of bingeing anime and eating Funyuns to pop by! Seriously, thanks; it’s great to see this place be part of your master sleep deprivation plan once again
HGTTG Fan - March 05, 2018 - Report this comment
Oh freddled gruntbuggly, Thy micturations are to me,(with big yawning) As plurdled gabbleblotchits, On a lurgid bee, That mordiously hath blurted out, Its earted jurtles, grumbling Into a rancid festering confectious organ squealer. [drowned out by moaning and screaming] Now the jurpling slayjid agrocrustles, Are slurping hagrilly up the axlegrurts, And living glupules frart and stipulate, Like jowling meated liverslime, Groop, I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes, And hooptiously drangle me, With crinkly bindlewurdles,mashurbitries. Or else I shall rend thee in the gobberwarts with my blurglecruncheon, See if I don't! (I probably won't!)
Claude Prez - March 05, 2018 - Report this comment
Couldn’t have said it better myself (I think)
Claude Prez - March 05, 2018 - Report this comment
D'oh! Now I get it haha....Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings got nothing on you

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