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Song Parodies -> "Why Helene Fischer Sucks"

Original Song Title:

"The Downeaster Alexa"

 (MP3)
Original Performer:

Billy Joel

Parody Song Title:

"Why Helene Fischer Sucks"

Parody Written by:

Edward Genereux

The Lyrics

Though it has a very strong following in Germany, Austria and other Germanic-speaking lands (other than England and Ireland) in Europe, and though I happen to know German quite fluently, I have VERY little patience for schlager music. A few exceptions exist, such as the promising, soulful young Austrian Laura Kamhuber, but even she is moving to other, more sensible styles of music. One of the most blatant examples of this godawful genre is Helene Fischer (first name pronounced hell-LAY-nuh), who has apparently sold EIGHT DIGITS' worth of music so saccharine, even Barney the Dinosaur must be regarded sober by comparison. The worst part could be when she covers sappy English songs. She once had the balls to do Eric Carmen's "All by Myself," for God's sake! It's no wonder Media Control (Germany's equivalent of Billboard) omits schlager from chart consideration--Germans and Austrians would rather listen to Wir sind Helden or other such bands. Even as an American, I can certainly relate. Anyways, this is my 111th parody but, somehow, first of Billy Joel, let alone the Storm Front album from 1989, the year of my birth. I wonder if I could make a musical called Schlager Front...
I've had enough of this Helene Fischer;
She's on all networks in Germany.
Oh, that she disappeared from the airwaves
Of the Z.D.F. or A.R.D.!(1)

Her music's designed for the 85-year-olds;
Why she is so popular, God only knows.
It could be that her looks found favour 'mid the young;
But when such is the case, you know that something's wrong.

So let's all boycott this Helene Fischer
'Til her hype fades away and then dies
Like the bubbles at West Ham United
As they ride into East London's sky. (2)

There are better acts a-waiting in the wings,
But they are hard to find long as Helene sings.
The German pop scene we can always give a look
'Cos Wir sind Helden beats all schlager on the books!

Don't you dare go to see Helene Fischer
If you vacation in Germany.
Tell your friends and your family to keep out
Of her gigs to maintain sanity.

(Instrumental)

Now, I've heard all of Helene's covers
In the language I first learned to speak.
But, she has covered the songs Eric Carmen
Wrote to make adult males really freak!

I know the charts consider not the schlager songs;
But they are found on radio stations all along.
I hear them all the time that I'm on German roads;
Helene Fischer does make me want to explode!
Kill the radio...(4x)
Footnotes: (1) Z.D.F. and A.R.D. are the two largest TV networks in Germany. (2) West Ham United have a tradition of singing "I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles" while blowing bubbles before and after matches at Upton Park, soon (as of this writing) to be replaced by Olympic Stadium.

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Voting Results

 
Pacing: 4.2
How Funny: 4.2
Overall Rating: 4.2

Total Votes: 5

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User Comments

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Rob Arndt - April 19, 2016 - Report this comment
Nice-555! The only German singer I listen to is Jeanette Biedermann. I have a collection of her CDs. Was once considered Germany's Britney Spears (although Jeanette is hotter and more rocker). And of course during Oktoberfest, the old traditional stuff at my local German Deli and celebrations. There's a music video of actress-singer Franka Potente singing in "Run Lola Run."
John Lomain - April 19, 2016 - Report this comment
funny stuff

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