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Song Parodies -> "Mystery Football Man"

Original Song Title:

"Piano Man"

Original Performer:

Billy Joel

Parody Song Title:

"Mystery Football Man"

Parody Written by:

Wendy Christopher

The Lyrics

When I heard about a certain 'Mystery Footballer' threatening to take legal action against Twitter and 'persons unknown' (er, yeah.... good luck with that, mate!) for exposing the facts he'd tried to ban the newspapers printing, I couldn't resist taking a pop at it. And this Billy Joel song provided the perfect vehicle (and gave me a break from working on another of his songs for a bit!)
I wrote this to fit this version of the original song..
I hate the media gossipin’
All moral and smug, what a life
It’s a harsh world that we’re livin’ in
When you can’t even cheat on your wife

Didn’t want you to know I’m a naughty boy
I’m not one for baring my soul
‘Cause it’s crossing the line, no-one’s business but mine
If I score in more than one goal

La la la di-de daah
La laa, di-de daah da dum

I am the Mystery Football Man
You’ll never know my name
Well unless you are smart and you Google me
And spoil the surprise what a shame

Now honesty is the best policy
But I did not have the guts
‘Cause if my wife found out she would scream and she’d shout
And she’d probably cut off my nuts
When the newspapers threatened to rat on me
Well I just didn’t know what to do
‘Til I heard about super-injunctioning
The best way to tell ‘em “Screw you!”

Oh la la la, di-de-daah
La laa, di-de daah da dum

Took out an injunction to shut ‘em up
Slapped that on The Sun* and kaboom!
I was boffing my lover, some girl off Big Brother
And everyone had to keep schtum**

Well I thought I had been such a clever-clogs
Banning papers from saying what’s true
But I just didn’t count on the nosy geeks
Who had got nothing better to do

Yes I’m that Mystery Football Man
You won’t guess who it is
‘Cause you’ll never get past an injunction mate
Unless you’re an internet whizz

So those nerdy web trolls went and turned on me
And they just wouldn’t leave it alone
Grassed me up*** in their Twits, I’ll get those little shits
Every one of those ‘persons unknown’
But it seems I still can’t sue the Twitter site
Just because it lives in the US
And you can’t trace the words of anonymous turds
So the whole thing’s a big shitty mess

Oh la la la, di-de-daah
La laa, di-de daah da dum

Not such a Mystery Football Man
Now they’ve exposed my crime
And they’re all gonna pay, I’ll be honest though
It seems like a big waste of time
I've put these references in just in case - not my intention to be patronising, honest!
* - well-known British tabloid newspaper that said Mystery Footballer gagged.
** - keep schtum = keep quiet
*** - grassed me up = told tales, pointed the finger at me

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Matches Pace of
Original Song: 
How Funny: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.6
How Funny: 4.6
Overall Rating: 4.6

Total Votes: 11

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   1
 2   0
 3   0
 4   0
 5   10

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

Rob Arndt - May 23, 2011 - Report this comment
Here ya go luv- 555!!!
Patrick - May 23, 2011 - Report this comment
Haven't been following the story, but it is a good exposé on the differences between press freedom and procedures in the UK and the US. Though with the internet, there is no way to keep secrets anymore.
Luigi Vercotti - May 23, 2011 - Report this comment
I can't keep schtum about this parody. 555 tweets.
Bruno - May 23, 2011 - Report this comment
Wow, top notch work. What's the betting he doesn't sell the exclusive to a red top?
WarrenB - May 23, 2011 - Report this comment
Easily the best of the day. Very, very funny.
John Barry - May 23, 2011 - Report this comment
I'm with Warren.
Dave W. - May 23, 2011 - Report this comment
Way to go Wendy !......I'll get those little twits.... and their little dogs too........Good stuff
AFW - May 23, 2011 - Report this comment
No mystery about the merits of this parody
Wendy Christopher - May 25, 2011 - Report this comment
Thanks for the lovely comments, everyone - much appreciated! 'Course as of today he's no longer the Mystery Football man 'cause an MP overruled his injunction - so I think *I* may now have to sue *him* for ruining my parody...!
John Jenkins - November 23, 2012 - Report this comment
It must be the Mystery Man himself who awarded you the 111 because this is an excellent parody - even if it took me 18 months to find. Particularly liked the "soul/goal" and "guts/nuts" lines.

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