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Song Parodies -> "Gollum's Rhapsody"

Original Song Title:

"Bohemian Rhapsody"

 (MP3)
Original Performer:

Queen

Parody Song Title:

"Gollum's Rhapsody"

Parody Written by:

The Comedian

The Lyrics

*** SPOILER ALERT *** DO NOT READ this parody if you want to be surprised about how "The Return Of The King" ends!
Where is my precious?
Baggins stole it from me!
That nasty hobbit
Grabbed it and escaped from me

Now I must find
That precious Ring I so need...

When I went hunting,
Sauron's orcs captured me
And they tortured me - very slow -
Made me speak - let me go -
Anywhere the Ring goes,
That is all that matters to me,
To me...

Precious...where are you now?
I miss you oh so much
Wish I had you in my clutch

Precious...I will search for you
I will find you and we'll both be whole again

Precious, oooo
Never thought we'd say good-bye
If I don't find you to-day or tomorrow
I'll search on, I'll search on, because you are all that matters...

What's thisss...two hobbitsesss...
They smell just like that liar
Baggins-thief who's from the Shire
They've got, you my precious! I've found you now!
Mustn't let them get away while they have you!

Precious, oooo (anywhere the Ring goes)
Hobbitsesss will die!
I'll make them wish they'd never worn you at all !

Pre-cious the little hobbitsesss commanded me:
Swear an oath! Swear an oath! Swear it on the pre-cious, oh!

Yesss, yesss, I shall swear it, may I guide you somewhere, please?

On to Mordor! (On to Mordor!)
On to Mordor! (On to Mordor!)
On to Mordor we must go - fulfill your oath !

Oh please not Mordor, that's where they hurt me!
Oh please not Mordor, that's where they tortured me!
If we go there then Sauron's Eye will see!

Hobbitsesss - sleeping now - what should I do now?

KILL THEM BOTH - Oh! - but now I love them so!
(kill them both!)
KILL THEM BOTH - but now I love them so!
(kill them both!)
KILL THEM BOTH - but now I love them so!
(kill them both!)
now I love them so!
(kill them both!)
now I love them so!
(kill them both!)

Should I kill them both - ah oh oh - yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, NO!

Oh precious help me, precious help me, precious help me, where to go?

Mount Doom - they want - to throw precious down inside so deep, so deep, SO DEEP

So you think to the Cracks of Doom you'll run and hide?
So you think you'll melt down my sweet precious inside?
Ohhhh Frodo - Nasty Ring-Bearer Frodo!
I'll bite it right off - I'll bite it right off of you here!

Gollum bit the Ring off,
Danced with joy and mirth -
Fell into the fire -
Gollum helped to save Middle-Earth...

...Anywhere the Ring goes...

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 LittleLots
Matches Pace of
Original Song: 
How Funny: 
Overall Score: 



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Voting Results

 
Pacing: 4.6
How Funny: 4.7
Overall Rating: 4.7

Total Votes: 13

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   1
 1
 1
 
 2   0
 0
 0
 
 3   0
 0
 0
 
 4   1
 0
 0
 
 5   11
 12
 12
 

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

Rick D - October 28, 2003 - Report this comment
Guess that coffin won't stay shut. I didn't know Gollum had a car. With a clutch? Besides, we all read "Bored of the Rings" by the Harvard Lampoon. We know how it ends. With a large belch, right?
Johnny D - October 28, 2003 - Report this comment
Rick - I absolutely loved "Bored of the Rings", what with Frito and Dildo and all....now THAT was parody and satire at its finest. And yes, I think it does end with a belch! (urrrrp). Merriam-Webster's online dictionary includes a definition of "clutch" as a noun meaning "the claws or a hand in the act of grasping or seizing firmly ". But I suppose if Gollum had a car he'd drive an automatic so he could keep one hand on the wheel and the other hand on his "precious" (hmmm, now THAT could have other meanings.....)
Rick D - October 28, 2003 - Report this comment
Looks like the CG movie Gollum doesn't have much to clutch.
Johnny D - October 28, 2003 - Report this comment
LOL !
Eruanna - October 28, 2003 - Report this comment
yep...bored of the rings is totally brilliant...loved it almost as much as the real thing!
Guy - October 28, 2003 - Report this comment
Good job JD.
Johnny D - October 28, 2003 - Report this comment
Thanks Guy!
Claude Prez - October 28, 2003 - Report this comment
Well done again plus thanks for savin' me eight bucks.
Johnny D - October 28, 2003 - Report this comment
You're welcome Claude! And thanks!
Michael Pacholek - October 29, 2003 - Report this comment
Actually, it ends with a yawn. But this parody ends with a trilogy of fives! Spend eight bucks (or more?) to watch any of these movies, and you'll be saying, with the cast of that REAL fantasy franchise (if you'll pardon the oxymoron), "I've got a bad feeling about this!"
Agrimorfee - November 10, 2003 - Report this comment
Fpr the first time anywhere, I award someone a 5-5-5 --congratulations!! :)
Rick D - November 10, 2003 - Report this comment
Gee Agri-- You grade on a tough curve.
Gollum - November 10, 2003 - Report this comment
Nice Agrimorfee, yesss, we likes your precious vote, yesss, you brought Smeagol's vote count up to 10 with the nice vote you cast today, November 10th --- oh thank you so much, yessss....yessss.....
Galadriel and Arwen - December 03, 2003 - Report this comment
We love parodies. Gollum Rules!!!
Johnny D - December 03, 2003 - Report this comment
Thanks, Galadriel and Arwen!
2nz - December 08, 2003 - Report this comment
On December 18th I will review this parody. Your spoiler alert came in REALLY handy. Thanks.
Galadriel and Arwen - December 17, 2003 - Report this comment
Return of the King comes out today!!!!!!!!!! Yahooooo! We get to see gollum's finest hour! Also it is Beetoven's birthday (the deaf composer) today and also a concert here! Where you ask? I will never say! But Return of the King comes out today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (and the 100th anniversary of flight, but that is besides the point)
Arwen - December 18, 2003 - Report this comment
Hmmm...looking back, I thought I had commented on this...but I guess I never did. Of course I think it's fabulous, Johnny! You've never let me down...I voted 5s...
Johnny D - December 18, 2003 - Report this comment
Friendly Elf, Gollum thanks you for your precious voteses, yessss ........
2nz - December 30, 2003 - Report this comment
Haha, very good use of the song. Queen and LotR mix quite well ;^). I almost forgot about my promise. Better late than never, for the precious. And remember the universal answer to any question, "String or nothing".
Adagio - December 30, 2003 - Report this comment
I really thought I had voted on this. Thanks for making such an outstanding parody!
Johnny D - December 30, 2003 - Report this comment
Thank you very much, 2nz and Adagio !
alvin rhodes - February 17, 2004 - Report this comment
how articulately you delved into smeagol's schizophrenia.. just shaking my head in wonder about this one...you are truly one of the best parody authors on this site...bravo !
Johnny D - February 17, 2004 - Report this comment
Aww shucks, alvin, I'm speechless - well, not entirely......I can say "Thank You!!"
Adagio - October 12, 2004 - Report this comment
(Fantasy/Sci-Fi) 5's already commented.
Johnny D - October 13, 2004 - Report this comment
Thanks Pat.
Jake A Ralphing (Luke Brattoni) - October 13, 2004 - Report this comment
(SCI-FI) Really well done. I only know bits and pieces of TOS so can't fully appreciate this epic.
Johnny D - October 14, 2004 - Report this comment
Luke, thank you very much!
Phil Alexander - October 14, 2004 - Report this comment
I could have sworn I commented on this one earlier - (especially with the Bored of the Rings comments, 'cause I loved BOTR, too). Super parody, JD
Johnny D - October 14, 2004 - Report this comment
Thank you, Philbo.
Guy - October 17, 2004 - Report this comment
(SCI-FI) Although I don't know much about LOTR since I have never seen any of these movies, I like the parody since it is BR, one of my favorite songs to parody. Well done JD.
Johnny D - October 17, 2004 - Report this comment
Thanks, Guy.
Jeff Reuben - October 19, 2004 - Report this comment
Excellent Johnny!
Johnny D - October 19, 2004 - Report this comment
Thank you, Jeff!
Paul Robinson - October 19, 2004 - Report this comment
(SCi-Fi) Well, as someone who managed to sit through just under 1/2 of "Fellowship of The Rings" I know just enough about the Trilogy to know what you are talking about here. Fine job. Worth 5's across.
2nz - October 20, 2004 - Report this comment
... and may I add great job on the pacing here. Truly the best Bohemian Rhapsody parody I have read here as a whole. Is precious, yes.
martha - October 20, 2004 - Report this comment
yet another amazing take on a great song! this one must have been real fun to work out .... fabulous as always Johnny
Johnny D - October 21, 2004 - Report this comment
Thank you, Paul & 2nz & Martha!
daniel - October 19, 2006 - Report this comment
funny funny shit!
Johnny D - October 09, 2007 - Report this comment
Belated thanks, daniel!

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