Wake up in the morn with hunger attacks
I munch an old rotten peach straight from the sack
The johnny cakes rise, twenty on my stack
Good God I'm a hungry boy

Well I never had a wife who could cook worth a damn
So raisins in my cereal and lots of stinkin' Spam
My stomach's now filled with some kickin' legs of lamb
Thank God I'm a hungry boy

Chorus

Then I drink me some fine wine, the box is five liters
With her buns risin' up you can bet that I'll eat her
Life's been good 'cept this runny runny peter
Thank God for the doctor boy

When the food's all gone and my gut's hangin' low
I whip out my diddle gettin' ready for the ho'
My staff's at half mast and Viagra's runnin' low
Right now I'm a horny boy

I'd stay really wooden all day if I could
Put the sword to the wife cause she fakes it really good
Then I diddle with her man, under that hood
"Oh God!!!" she's a screamin' joy

Chorus

Well I had me a fine wife, but then she turned cheater
'Cause I caught her in bed with a man she called Peter
As it turned out she's a purple peter eater
And now I'm a single boy

So I traded in my wife for whiskey and gruel
They always make fun of me, specially when I drool
I'm lathered when I diddle, in back of that mule
That's par for Kentucky boys

Yeah I once tried smokin' up some crack on a screen
Forgot about brushin' , last tooth was turnin' green
Now I just gum my food and stick to caffeine
Thank Juan I'm a coffee boy

Chorus

Then I drink me some fine wine, the box is five liters
While my bride's blowin' up I let her know how I'll treat her
'Less she complains about my puny little peter...
Thank Dow for the rubber toys


I'll be livin' in my shanty till I'm old and dried
Now I'm waitin' on the porch for my ma-il order bride
My last one deflated with a hole in her side
And it made me an angry boy

Now laddies here's a hint if your dolls are turnin' brittle
It starts when you drool 'cause there's acid in your spittle
So douse her in lube and rub it in just a little
And she'll be a nightly joy

I got a Dolls 'R Us bride I sure like to diddle
Stick a gag in my mouth to cut back on the spittle
When I get wood I ain't usin' it to whittle
Thank God for the rubber toys