She lived her life as a movie queen
With her Oscar victory to her name
But when she adopts two blond little kids
Just to justify her all her fame
Folks thinking she's very sweet
But she lives a life that's so discreet
She's Joan Crawford, her name
Joanie Baby

Lovers appeared in her home each night
Then Mommie Joan shoved them out!
Cut the heads from pictures, out of sight
Kids all wonder what it's all about
"Mommie Dearest, where is our Dad?
Left us home, and now we're sad
Hearing you scream and shout
Joanie Baby

CHORUS
Joanie Baby
You're a crazy lady
Giving your poor children misery
Poor baby

Middle of the night, Mommie Joan comes in
With cold cream on her face
And she's been looking in Christina's closet
Dresses all in perfect place
She looks at them with such delight
Bud suddenly, she glares in spite
She raises hell all over the place
Joanie Baby

Joanie Baby
Joanie Baby

When she looks at the dress and the way it's hung
On her face is beet red anger
Then, she raises her voice and it's not for rejoice
As she screams, "NO WIRE HANGERS!!!!!!!!"
And as she rips the closet right
She grabs Christina real tight
She whips the girl with all her might
And makes the girl clean up the fight
And she worked all night

The years pass by
Soon Joan Crawford's dead
And when it came to read her will
She left not a damned penny for those kids she adopted
And they looked like they wanted to kill
It ain't right to be insane
Giving kids a lot of pain
Obeying her every will
Joanie Baby

Chorus

Oh, Joanie
Joanie Baby
Joanie Baby
Oh, Joanie
Joanie Baby
Joanie Baby
(fade)