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Song Parodies -> "If Shrek's Mom Had Only Been Sterile"

Original Song Title:

"The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald"

Original Performer:

Gordon Lightfoot

Parody Song Title:

"If Shrek's Mom Had Only Been Sterile"

Parody Written by:

John Jenkins

The Lyrics

The stories live on from Pinocchio on down,
But it's not a good message they're sending.
They delude our youth with what can't be the truth
‘Cause they all have contrived, happy endings.
To undo the harm of false fairy tale charm,
All their plots should have drastic corrections.
So I liked the jihad of that zealot Farquaad,
With his plan for their heroes' collection.

I would have known rapture once he got them captured
And began to rewrite their conclusions.
Then once he refined those Pollyanna plotlines
Our kids would stop believing illusions.
The old woman who tried to live in a shoe
Should be moved to the Duloc self-storage.
And then, Goldilocks should be locked in a box
And be forced to eat cold and hot porridge.

For sparing a child, but killing a boar in the wild,
PETA should sue Snow White's woodsman bumpkin.
And in Farquaad's scheme, instead of a pampered queen,
Cinderella would become a pumpkin!
The princess who slept on a pea now should be kept
At a clinic for sleeping disorders.
And six dwarfs would find their jobs had been reassigned
And outsourced across our southern border.

The next time Jack's seen, he won't trade his cow for beans,
He'll sell it for his cocaine addiction.
And Red Riding Hood didn't do quite what she should
So Granny will put her on restriction.
And then Miss Muffett should get up off her tuffet
And do Hollywood with Little Boy Blue.
How long will she last when a director casts
Her in “Arachnophobia Part Two”?

If kids were able to learn these improved fables,
Their perceptions of life would be keener.
But this vision flopped; it was brutally stopped
By an oversized green intervener!
An ogre named Shrek freed these creatures and wrecked
All my hopes for fairy tale revision.
And it drives me mad knowing the plan Farquaad had
Would have worked if Shrek's mom had been barren.

Can anyone say what's in the DNA
That explodes out of an ogre's barrel?
It can't be good seed, so we shouldn't let them breed,
Oh, if Shrek's mom had only been sterile!
Where humility and brains are meant to be
Shrek's gene pool has only two big voids.
Is he the offspring of two ugly swamp things
Or a Grinch action figure on steroids?

Since it can't be known what's in the chromosomes
That might come out of an ogre's barrel,
And since Shrek got wed to that funny redhead,
I now hope that Fiona is sterile.
The stories live on from Pinocchio on down,
And my tolerance is growing punier.
But it could be worse (this song might need one more verse),
If Fiona gave birth to Shrek Junior!

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Matches Pace of
Original Song: 
How Funny: 
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Voting Results

 
Pacing: 4.3
How Funny: 4.4
Overall Rating: 4.3

Total Votes: 46

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   6
 6
 6
 
 2   1
 1
 0
 
 3   1
 0
 2
 
 4   2
 2
 3
 
 5   36
 37
 35
 

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

Royce Miller - February 07, 2005 - Report this comment
John! my mind is blown. I can see this has alot of meaning, and I'm going to have fun deciphering it. You've written alot here.
John Barry - February 07, 2005 - Report this comment
Fantastic!
Adagio - February 07, 2005 - Report this comment
Good one!!
Agrimorfee - February 07, 2005 - Report this comment
Rhyme "punier" with "junior" again, and I'll have to pop you in the nose. :):) 555
Phil Alexander - February 07, 2005 - Report this comment
Truly magnificent, JJ. And I wholeheartedly agree with your initial premise - and loved the alliteration of "Pollyanna plotlines". All-round a great parody.
Laurie Knowles - February 07, 2005 - Report this comment
I think that this is outstanding! I would never even attempt to parody The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald. I love what you do with the Shrek characters. If only Mama Shrek been barren! LOL:)
The Great Karlando - February 08, 2005 - Report this comment
OK...usually I can figure out how people come up with titles...but what thought process brought on this one? Ya know what? I don't wanna know...I'll just leave these 5's sitting here in the corner and sneak away.
Kristof Robertson - February 08, 2005 - Report this comment
So, so good...from brilliant title all the way thru...bravo! 555
John Jenkins - February 08, 2005 - Report this comment
Thank you Royce, John B, Adagio, Agrimorfee, Phil, Laurie, Karlando & Kristoff. Agrimorfee, I think that I can safely say that I will not use that rhyming pair again (even though I think it works better than many of Gordon Lightfoot’s rhyming pairs).

And, Phil, my initial premise that fairy tales are bad influences on kids was mostly a tongue-in-cheek attempt at humor. I suspect that your agreement with that premise is also tongue-in-cheek. One of my dictionary’s definitions of fairy tale is “a fanciful tale of legendary deeds and creatures,” so, at the risk of sounding like a heretic, couldn’t it be argued that LOTR is an elaborate, intricate fairy tale?
Meriadoc - February 08, 2005 - Report this comment
Especially liked the 'grinch on steroids' line...
Michael Pacholek - February 08, 2005 - Report this comment
As the site's biggest WEF fan, I gotta send you fives from Far, Far Away -- as long as there's no "Shrek 5." Or 3 or 4, for that matter. Maybe Mike Myers will absorb himself in "Austin Powers: From Russia With Lust"... and from checking the Internet Media Database (imdb.com, very helpful site), I see that "Shrek 3" is already in pre-production, planning a 2007 release! As Myers' mother-in-law, Linda Richman (whom he parodied for his "Saturday Night Live" sketch "Cawfee Tawk") would say, "Oy vey, I'm getting verklempt..."
John Jenkins - February 09, 2005 - Report this comment
Thank you Meriadoc and Michael. MP, I notice that you have parodied WEF 6 times, so you have done more than your share in bringing glory to Mr. Lightfoot's opus.
Hamham - February 12, 2005 - Report this comment
You shouldn't parody this song!!! It's a memorial song for the men who died when the Edmond Fitsgerald sank in Lake Supirior!!!! It's not a funny song, we just listened to it in school, it's a VERY SAD SONG!!!!
John Jenkins - February 12, 2005 - Report this comment
Hamham - you raise a good point. I agree that Gordon Lightfoot's song is a powerful tribute to the memory of 29 men whose lives seem to have been prematurely ended. The other authors on amiright and I who have parodied "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald" mean no disrespect to Gordon Lightfoot or any of the men who died. But it is good that you remind us that we should continue to question whether it is acceptable to parody songs such as this or religious hymns or other songs that might have special meaning to other people. In the case of parodying "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald," I definitely respect your opinion, but I do not agree with your conclusion.
Kristof Robertson - March 02, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) And I still think this is glorious! Head-to-head Eddie Fitz stylee, John...good luck, though you won't need it...
Guy - March 04, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) I liked fairy tales better when they were just Grimm. Fantastic job you did here John.
Scathe - March 05, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) A spoof on a spoof. Excellent
Adagio - March 10, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Spoilsport! j/k Lol That's a good one. 5's
Charlie Decker - March 10, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) DKTOS, embarrasingly enough. It's hysterical, though. 555, and I'll learn the original before I vote for SOTM.
Jake A Ralphing (Luke Brattoni) - March 10, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Seconding Charlie to the fullest. Awesome parody.
Peter Andersson a.k.a K1chyd - March 12, 2005 - Report this comment
Not only a very good parody, that somewhat late "disclaimer" in respons to Hamham's comment was FAQ material standard for a site like AmIright.
Spaff.com - March 13, 2005 - Report this comment
This would make a great video. Ditto virtually all of the comments, especially Philbo's and Merry's and Guy's. Oh, and Hamham's too - this original song should NEVER EVER BE PARODIED. No "true story" songs should ever be parodied. No song where someone dies should ever be parodied. No Gordon Lightfoot songs should ever be parodied. And, especially, any song that rhymes "Cleveland" with "feeling" or contains the line "Old Michigan steams like a young man's dreams" should NEVER EVER BE PARODIED. EVER.
Johnny D - March 13, 2005 - Report this comment
Brilliant, JJ.
Johnny D - March 13, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) What Johnny D just said.
John Jenkins - March 13, 2005 - Report this comment
Thanks Kristof, Guy, Scathe, Adagio, Charlie, Jake/Luke, K1chyd, Spaff, and JD. Spaff, you are correct. Any writers who consider doing a parody of TWOTEF in the future should be REQUIRED to detour into Rocky Raccoon.
Rex - March 20, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Donkey says "great parody! Got any waffles?"
Jeff Reuben - March 21, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Well done!
Arwen - March 21, 2005 - Report this comment
SOTM--Brilliant, John!
Stuart McArthur - March 23, 2005 - Report this comment
sotm - excellent! - very witty, and hits targets! - 555
Claude Prez - March 28, 2005 - Report this comment
I agree with Phil's agreement with your initial premise -- I have a daughter who takes the whole "princess" thing WAY too seriously -- Anyway, very entertaining, with (as always) some excellent rhyming (jihad/ Farquaad, just to name one).
Jordan (Mike Armstrong) - March 30, 2005 - Report this comment
this may be my first DKTOS... how sad is that. Clever though.
2nz - March 31, 2005 - Report this comment
Shrek: "That's a very big song, there. Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?"
Donkey: "I don't get it, Shrek"

Very good and very funny, John. "Grinch on steroids" stood out for me too.
Tim Mayfield - March 31, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Made me dizzy.. In a good way.
DBear - February 01, 2006 - Report this comment
I particularly liked the outsourcing reference ;)
Cat - February 12, 2006 - Report this comment
(SOTM Wild Card 05) Wow...genius. Pure genius. This belongs right up there with Spaff's "The Wreck of Ben Affleck and J. Lo." This will be a big future goal of mine now that I've finally done "Be Our Guest," I was thinking of setting the story of the movie Monty Python and the Holy Grail to this but I haven't gotten a good start yet. Bah. Oh and Hamham"get a grip. There are NO sacred cows on AmIRight.
Adagio - February 12, 2006 - Report this comment
(SOTM Wild Card 05) Already commented and voted but an insufficient comment on my part. I really like these 'redone' fables., and the're funny. 5's
Peter Andersson a.k.a K1chyd - February 13, 2006 - Report this comment
I remember this one, it must have been a tough month back then for this not to get a medal on its first run. Many good lines have already been mentioned but I'll add that "How long will she last when a director casts / Her in “Arachnophobia Part Two"?" was a stand out for my because of the tongue twister in the latter line! :-)
Agrimorfee - February 14, 2006 - Report this comment
(SOTM) see above. You have been forgiven for that "junior" rhyme. :)
Luke Brattoni - February 15, 2006 - Report this comment
(WILDCARD) Awwwwesome. Brilliant title, brilliant idea, brilliantly rhymed... someone had their Brilliantbix for breakfast. 555 and thanks for the hearty laughter, this parody had many layers of humour. Like an onion.
bobpiecheese - February 16, 2006 - Report this comment
(WILDCARD) Weirdest parody in the whole contest...and I'm not complaining!
Matthias - February 17, 2006 - Report this comment
Hold on a secound Bob... the contest?! I think this is the weirdest parody on this entire website!!! 5-5-5, and I'm afraid I can't make my score any higher!!!
Stuart McArthur - February 18, 2006 - Report this comment
(WILD) "But it could be worse (this song might need one more verse)" was very clever, JJ - as was the whole thing of course - 555
Red Ant - February 19, 2006 - Report this comment
(WILD) This song still eludes me as far as a viable parody is concerned. I had trouble scanning a few of your lines to TOS but I'm guessing (hint, hint) a recording would sound fine so I didn't dock you for it. Hilarious and Feb SOTM must have been tough indeed for this to not have placed then. 5s.
Phil Alexander - February 20, 2006 - Report this comment
To answer your comment from ages ago, JJ: yes, LOTR is a fairy story (of sorts) - but fairy stories can be oh, so different: read Raymond E Feist's "Faerie Tale", for example. But this:
They delude our youth with what can’t be the truth
‘Cause they all have contrived, happy endings.
...I agree with with no tongue even remotely in cheek :-)
Spaff.com - February 21, 2006 - Report this comment
Sorry that I spent most of my previous comment in a rant, Johnkins, when I should have been praising your originality and cleverness, and especially your rhymes. Too many great verses to mention, but this time through I especially appreciated Goldilocks in the box and Jack on crack. And if Miss Muffet and Little Boy Blue *did* run off and get married before becoming costars, imagine their marquee: LITTLE BOY MISS MUFFET BLUE.
Mikey Squirrel - February 25, 2006 - Report this comment
WILD- You realize for the third Shrek movie, there will probably be a Shrek Junior. It's the Hollywood formula. There has to be offspring! Aargh. Very well done and funny, John.
Johnny D - February 26, 2006 - Report this comment
(WILDCARD) See above
Larry Hensley - February 26, 2006 - Report this comment
WILDCARD- Amazing parody, 555's!
Scathe - February 26, 2006 - Report this comment
(Wild Card) Truly twisted stuff.
Arwen - February 27, 2006 - Report this comment
Wildcard...still FABulous, John...perhaps even moreso this time. I was especially enamoured with Snow White's bumpkin this time around...=) Great job!!
Agrimorfee - March 08, 2006 - Report this comment
(SOTY 05) see above
Red Ant - March 10, 2006 - Report this comment
(SOTY 2005) See above. While probably not intended on your part this reminded me of a tamed town ADC, which is a good thing.
Red Ant - March 10, 2006 - Report this comment
That should read "... tamed down ADC" (If you don't know, ADC is Andrew Dice Clay).
Spaff.com - March 26, 2006 - Report this comment
Still TMGLTM, Johnkins. And belated thanks to Cat for the comparison; I'm honored. Just curious, JJ: Given your views on these tales, what do you make of that Noah story? (Just kidding; you don't have to answer that.)
John Jenkins - April 01, 2006 - Report this comment
Thanks for all of the comments. Spaff, thanks for the three comments and for the provocative question (but I wonder why you asked about Noah and not Jonah). I believe that the Bible was divinely inspired, but I struggle with the concept of Biblical inerrancy. The important message of the Bible is that Jesus Christ is Lord and Savior, and I don't place quite as much emphasis on the Old Testament (although when I teach my 5th/6th grade Sunday School class, these questions frequently arise). But, since archeological evidence on Mount Ararat seems to support the existence of Noah’s ark and because the story demonstrates an important lesson about the relationship between God and man, I am definitely not prepared to dismiss this narrative as “I Swear This is the Last Time I’ll Go Boating With Noah.”
2005 WILD CARD ROUND - April 09, 2006 - Report this comment
Second Place
http://www.inthe00s.com/index.php/topic,16916.0.html
Red Thunder - January 21, 2007 - Report this comment
Kick Ass
Andrea Huckstep - June 18, 2007 - Report this comment
Mikey Squirrel, you're right about Shrek the Third!!!
Mother of Shrek - October 15, 2007 - Report this comment
What can i say!! Apart from it is very clever!
John Jenkins - October 16, 2007 - Report this comment
Mother of Shrek, thank you for your comment. I hope my parody did not offend you too severely. I also hope that Shrek was not your only child and that his siblings turned out better.
Mother of Shrek - October 28, 2007 - Report this comment
No not offended at all! Quite amused actually that some one wrote a song about me!!!
Mother of Shrek - October 28, 2007 - Report this comment
Ps Actually i think Shrek turned out realy well, after all he had a few films made about him!
John Jenkins - October 29, 2007 - Report this comment
Mother of Shrek, I have never had a movie made about me, so perhaps I am jealous; but didn't Jack the Ripper also have several films made about him?
Ron Moore - March 20, 2008 - Report this comment
I realize that it's all in good humor, but a different song may have been more appropriate due to respect for the dead rather than making fun of a song that was sang in their honor. It was humorous other then that
John Jenkins - March 20, 2008 - Report this comment
Mr. Moore, I was attempting to poke fun at fairy tales, not at the tragic tale of the Edmund Fitzgerald or the Gordon Lightfoot song that commemorates the tragedy. There are almost 100 parodies on this web site that use this original song as their starting point; I'm not sure why you picked my parody, but thank you for reading it and commenting on it.

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