The legend lives on from my village on down
of the day the priest tried to molest me
"Your duty" says he "is to satisfy me"
and with that the perv tried to undress me
The tale I'll relate and the way I escaped
Throughout the whole land are quite famous
The man in the frock is to shepherd the flock
and not focus his eyes on my anus

We got a new priest cause the 'auld was deceased
His name: Father Edmund Fitzgerald
This wild eyed old queer he was held very dear
From the hour his arrival was herald'
Well I was took in by this man's cloth and sin
soon an altar boys cloak I was wearing
then two glory be's and a hail mary spree
and no more would I ever be swearing

An altar boy's life sees confessional strife
so we'd offer ten sins for a fiver
If you had no sin to confess in the bin
for a few bucks we'd make you a liar
"you stole your friends mouse", that line is on the house
but an alibi costs you a Jackson
If the Father believed and he acted deceived
then you paid us, and please do come back soon

Well Edmund caught on, but he didn't let on
and he found out I was the ringleader
Because dumb John McGinn, well I sold him a sin
of a favor he'd been the receiver
Well Dumb MgGinn squealed and my name he revealed
and he got off with just a 'Hail Mary'
I asked how how he found out, and he gave me a clout
he said "Dumb John McGinn is a fairy"

"The Lord God" said he, "would indeed forgive me
If I did the Father a favor"
So he turned me around and then I heard the sound
of a black frock thrown over our saviour
"Your duty" says he "is to satisfy me"
as he pushed my white frock to my shoulder
It took all my guts to kick him in the nuts
and now therapy waits when i'm older

So fast did I run, I knocked over a nun
in the courtyard outside the church entrance
she fell to the ground and she screamed out aloud
she profaned me then asked God for penance
then father ran out with his thing hanging out
and her holiness screamed all the more so
so loud did she shout that there soon came on out
the old girls from the town hall and bingo

the father ran in before they all saw him
the nun told what she saw, none believed her
But old PC Pete, on his beat down the street
heard the screaming and rushed up to see her
He 'whats all thissed' twice and then he made all nice
then he ran round the side of the courtyard
The priest heard him come, he the other way run
But the girls cut him off at the graveyard

They all dropped their Jaw, and were dumbstruck with awe
when they saw Edmund's holy of holies
their anger in hand, they knocked him in the sand
and they beat him with handbags and brollies
In the musty old church, a new priest in the lurch
a funeral his first day would herald
the church bell chimed, it rang twenty nine times
for each bag that killed Edmund Fitzgerald