With one prom night to go,
Guys with flaccid members
Vow to 'lose it', do it chastey-style.
And these dudes who must drop their pants,
Go out to make some sweet romance.
But babes are not that sappy or beguiled.

The library hid a guide to lickin'.
Oz can't evade the jibes of Stifler.
One cute chick in chorus?
He's humming like a florist!
Oh man, young Jimbo's gone and eyed,
That hot Nadia, huge chest implied.
It's somewhat rushed, this feat of pride.
This ploy to woo tonight.

So why hire this 'American Pie'?
Oh, Jim's daddy loves to chevy,
Eugene Levy is wry.
Them carnal boys are feelin' frisky and spry.
Thinkin' prom'll be the date to perspire.
Get a piece of A and some thigh.

Did you read the book of tongue,
Or scoot to the ladies' for a dump?
Stick your vitals into dough?
Are you relieved in socks unrolled?
And oozing pastry... What's that hole?
Prematurely in your pants? You blow!

Well, it looks like you've a trouble whim.
Cuz the school is laughin' at ya, Jim.
Your oath to all get screwed?
Well, I think you kiddies will lose!
A bunch of lonely teenage wanker shmucks,
I've an inclination that you twits will suck.
But I guess either way, you're f***ed.
This ploy to woo tonight.

Adults are thinkin':
Why hire this 'American Pie'?
Who can bear all of the swearin'
Tact is barely applied!
Who could enjoy this filthy frisking? It's tripe!
Whingeing films like this decay young kids' minds.
This is only screened for the guys.

Now when a beer's got too much foam,
It's composed of some testosterone.
The fat content triples from cream.
A lacrosse game for the high school team.
May impose a problem with Christine.
(Or whatever dame #4's named.)

Oh, and while old Finch seems broken now,
The best's to come, my horny pal.
A poolroom's what you've yearned.
Who'd predict such a turn?
And while Shannon E. is quite a fox,
Some other lasses light some sparks.
These teenage urges, what a lark!
This ploy to woo tonight.

We are thinking,
Why hire this 'American Pie?'
All this dating, procreating,
Masturbating? Goodbye!
And Oz's voice is frickin' prissy, alright!
Renting this'll be a waste of my time.
Dismal photoplay, T.M.I.

Well the fellas are a bunch of dullards.
The girls take off like a hail of bullets.
'8 Mile' chides their lack of tact.
This band of pals are so crass.
These playaz trying hard to score some ass.
Lose their chastity by night time, do it fast.

But the prom night simply reeks of gloom.
Violins and a death march or two.
The thin plot nears its end.
And endeavours denouement!
Now the guys realise mistakes and feel,
That f***ing aint that big a deal.
But then they all get with females.
Enjoy their wooing night.

This slop is stinking,
Why hire this 'American Pie'?
Guess the message of this mess is
That undressing is fly;
That all young boys must stick it quick by prom night?
And Finch'll kiss Janine who's aged forty five.
MILF'll be the status acquired.

Oh, and we return to see our twits.
A year's reunion since they split.
With their minds still involved with 'it'.
Vacation! Kevin, Jimbo, Oz and Finch.
And crass prat Stifler earned a hitch.
More Pie? Will this ever, ever end?

More lameass instructions to get laid.
Jim's band camp pants constrict his play.
Can't play the trombone well.
Wants mating tips from Michelle.
Their old relationships enter new strife,
Just like Jim's rather sticky night.
Masturbating with glue? What a sight.
This sequel piece of pie.

And I'm thinking,
Why, hire more 'American Pie?'
It's the second of these frickin'
Films of sex with these guys.
There's lezzo toys and quid-pro-quo stripping time.
Fair dinkum, this is more depraved than what's prior.
Sequel must be craving vile jibes.

That foreign girl, (Jim taped her boobs.)
Has been asking for more 'slapstick' moves.
But Jim's crotch shies and shrinks away.
(Oh, Finch prepared his naked core.
The other two losers talked some more.)
But the main point is that Jimbo got his dame!

And then comes 3, film critics scream.
Another Pie? Man, you know it's lame.
Our clumsy nerd's proposing.
Wedding bells? *gagging, choking.*
And his three men must hide the host,
Cuz Stifler wants ladies outta clothes.
In short, saves the day. What a joke!
Hooray! We're through! Goodbye!

What were they thinking?
Die, die, crass 'American Pie'.
Got your DVDs and heaved 'em
To the pavement outside.
If I had the choice, I'd get my memory wiped.
Heck man, it's degenerating my mind.
Drivel-filled American Pie.

What were they thinking?
Die, die, crass 'American Pie'.
You just revelled in teen genitals
Such drivel's reviled.
What of good old films that dealt with mystery of life?
Thickheads, this has been a waste of my time!!!