About two days ago (1)
I can still remember
How my lunchtime used to warm my soul
How I would sit with my laptop
And surf one hour at some hot spot (2)
Enjoying meatless burgers on stale rolls.

The parodies, yeah, I read a few
On most weekdays I would write some too
Most of them that I chose
Would force soft drink through my nose (3)

I do remember a white light
As I read about the dollar’s plight
A footnote festival delight
Inside, my brain took flight

Hey, hey
There are footnotes for days
My cerebrum
Made a low hum
Then it burst in a blaze
My face went blank with a lobotomy glaze (4)
And then inside my head went all numb
Black appeared and then I succumbed

They all said that they smelled smoke
As my head fell down into my coke, (5)
Who was it said that coke adds life?
There was a cop on his patrol
Who just popped in a plug of Skoal (6)
Pulled a gun when he saw my plastic knife.

Well, he clicked his mike and called it in
Heard the ambulances loud sirens
They wiped away the food
About the time I came unglued.

I started spouting how that FDR
Was the main guy to blame for how things are
And then I asked for my guitar (7)
The day my brain got fried

I started singin’
“Oh, no where did they put my gold?
Bills are handy, not as dandy
Or at least so I’m told”
And then I said, “The little notes told me so.
I’m saying the first eight or nine clearly show.
This government still owes me dough.” (8)

The worried cop called out for restraints
And patrons fell down in fits and faints
I felt the handcuffs clamp on me. (9)
I confess I have never been this way
Then again, it was a fateful day
All those notes, all of that history.

And while EMT’s had gathered round (10)
Looking for ways to clamp me down
I pulled up on my pants
And my legs began to dance.
Then I felt a tranquilizing dart
I lost control of body parts
Well, things got dim and then went dark.
I then heard voices ring

They were singing,
“Bye-bye, you there communist guy.
Saw you holler at the dollar,
Now you’re collared, goodbye.
If you come back, we’ll knock your teeth, and they’ll fly.
We’re sayin’ that you better not even try.
Try it, and then you’ll find out why.

Jeepers, creepers I was falling deeper
The nerves felt raw and I had a fever
Feeling high but falling fast
I peered out right through the glass
Saw scenery, as it quickly passed.
And the footnotes in my mind, again amassed.

Half paranoid and consumed with doom
The poem played back like a skewed cartoon
I dreamed that Nazis danced (11)
Stealing gold when they had the chance
I learned more about the Civil War (12)
And WIN buttons from Gerald Ford (13)
The Reagan years, was it folklore? (14)
His hair was surely dyed.

My ears were ringing
“Gold! Gold! That stuff never gets old.
Yes, it’s heavy like a Chevy
And much cleaner than coal." (15)
My broker says value continues to grow
He preaches, “Buy it and you’ll never be broke
Just don’t go and blow it on coke.” (16)

Now the vehicle had found the place
Sanitarium, lovely place,
With gardens green and razor wire.
They told me, “Yes, you’re mental. Yes, you’re sick.
A few days here should do the trick.
No need to provide your own attire.” (17)

An orderly brought me to a couch.
The doctor asked, “Why such a grouch?”
I spilled those footnotes out,
And then began to shout.

And as some large men dragged me from the room
And put me in a padded tomb
The depression came and then the gloom.
Would I return home soon?

I was humming,
“Why’d I read American Pie?”
It was heady, wasn’t ready
Now it’s steady decline.
And them footnotes were playing back in my mind.
I’m thinkin’ surely this must be a bad sign.
Now I sit alone doin’ time.

I fixed my mind on what I’d done,
And then recalled the twenty-one. (18)
The footnotes wouldn’t go away.

And then a man opened the door
“It’s now time to leave. Please don’t be sore.”
And remarked that my insurance wouldn’t pay. (19)

And in the streets, the masses screamed.
The doctors cried, and the lawyers beamed
Our system has been broken
Currency just a token. (20)

On whom shall we now pin our hopes?
On those shy, or on the ones that boast?
Don’t bank on any talk show host.
With them, it’s always pride. (21)

It's not quite over
My, my, an end to my diatribe
To Tommy Turtle and the girl
Who fiddles with her replies.
With your footnotes long and humor that goes on for miles.
And you interest us with all of your styles.
And humor that produces our smiles. (22)


1) Two can be as bad as one.

2) One is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do.

3) Although a saline solution and a Nettie pot are preferred, carbonated drinks have been known to relieve congestion in laboratory rats.

4) Lobotomies, popularized by the invention of the metal straw, have made a comeback in recent times. Now that insurance companies understand the value of keeping clients in a perpetual state of ‘lack of understanding’, reimbursement rates are topping close to 100%.

5) Inexpensive coke.

6) Skoal is a popular brand of chewing tobacco. Swallowing is not recommended.

7) Contrary to popular belief, women do not swoon over men who play guitars. They drool. Be sure to bring napkins to every performance.

8) Dough. Bread. Yes, I knead it.

9) (insert imagination here)

10) Emergency Medical Technician. Not to be confused with Extra Mobile Terrestrials, which are commonly referred to as flying saucers.

11) See TT/FG footnote 11a. Though there is no mention of Nazis dancing, it is widely suspected they jigged.

12) See TT/FG footnote 11b. The Civil War was won by Arnold Fitzmonger in straight sets.

13) See TT/FG footnote 16. Few people know that the WIN campaign actually stood for Winter Intercontinental Nissiles, which was a miserable failure in nissile technology…what? Missiles? Oh….sorry.

14) Recently unclassified documents have shed more light on the Reagan administration. According to one document, Reagan was actually a robot constructed from old communicators used in the original Star Trek television series. Thus, he was constantly referred to as the Great Communicator, not because he had talent, but because he was much larger than the original communicators. And he tended to chirp when he bent over.

15) Clean coal technology, also known as Fine American New Technology And Simplified Yamakas (FANTASY), is slated for implementation not in our lifetime.

16) Expensive coke.

17) Most asylums, however, insist you wear clothes when you check in. Protocol.

18) There are twenty-one footnotes in the TT/FG parody.

19) But insurance would pay for a lobotomy. Go figure.

20) Token is the beloved author of the Lord of the Rails trilogy.

21) Observation- If you’re willing to follow a talk show host, you may have found a less expensive way to receive a lobotomy.

22) This last footnote is brought to you by no one in particular.