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Song Parodies -> "Crucified"

Original Song Title:

"9 to 5"

 (MP3)
Original Performer:

Dolly Parton

Parody Song Title:

"Crucified"

Parody Written by:

Robert D. Arndt Jr.

The Lyrics

Notes: Jesus was born in 7 BC during both the Roman Census AND the alignment of two planets that fell during Tishri. Most likely on Yom Kippur of October 3rd. He died in Nissan 26 AD right before Passover, which would have been on a Wednesday NOT Friday. He died mid-day around 3 pm and spent 3 days in the midst of the earth (Thursday, Friday, and Saturday). Since the Jewish day began at sundown, His resurrection was on Saturday night as Mary Magdalene came to the open tomb on Sunday morning. Jesus was crucified as follows: After being flogged, beaten, and crowned with thorns He was tied to the crossbar (patibulum) which weighed 75-125 lbs and was forced to march one-third a mile away to Golgotha (Place of the Skull). Being weak, the Roman Centurion ordered Simon of Cyrene to help him carry the crossbar to the main beam (stipes) which was Tau or T-shaped. It was around 7 feet tall. The Roman soldiers (four), lifted Jesus up to the top and nailed his wrists (considered part of the hands) to the beam using 5-7" nails. A seat (Sedile) was positioned underneath and His legs were bent with the feet nailed to the beam through the heels. The hyssop branch with water-vinegar liquid is misinterpreted. At 20" it could not reach Jesus' lips. The liquid was Roman Posca wine put on a Roman drinking sponge and lifted up to Him on the end of the soldier's pilum (lance weapon 6' long). Btw, Jesus CHOSE the moment to die, otherwise the Romans would have had to break his legs to hasten death as with both thieves. Jesus didn't die of asphyxiation but heart failure. Many think His heart actually burst.
Adam brought us sin
With a fruit that was forbidden
Shoulda obeyed God
'Stead of Eve listenin'
Satan thought he won
Mankind, eternal strife
But Jesus had the power
With a countdown runnin'
The tablets not complete
Prophets saw Messiah comin'
He brought the Good News and The Lamb was crucified!!!

(Chorus)
He was crucified
His blood was sin-forgivin'
Made His faithful cry
They abandoned, they stayed hidden
Mary, she stood by
As His spirit He did give up
Our Savior defeated sin to His eternal credit
Crucified, by the Jews not the Romans
"Release Barabbas" cries
Had Pontius Pilate fumin'
Golgotha led
Foul spot outside the city
Amongst two thieves, they showed Him no pity

Blood flowed in streams
Yes, His body had been battered
Crown of thorns
Cat O' Nine Tails left flesh shattered
Heavy crossbeam
80 lbs it weighed
Tied to it by ropes
Got help from a friend (via Centurion)
Made it to the beam where His wrists were nailed in
7 feet high the Tau Cross pinned
Sedile, knees bent, heel spikes caused Him pain

Excruciating!!!~

He was crucified
His blood was sin-forgivin'
Made His faithful cry
They abandoned, they stayed hidden
Mary, she stood by
As His spirit He did give up
Our Savior defeated sin to His eternal credit
Crucified, Hallelujah!
Jesus died for mankind as sacrificial
For a better life
First to Jews and then all Gentiles
To Jesus, glory and fame
Brought the Gospel, no need of prophets
Jesus gave His life
Salvation so strong, that Satan can't stop it!!!

(Chorus)

Crucified, Hallelujah!
Jesus, He will never-ever desert you
Eternal life
Through the Cross He did thus save you
Endured the pain and shame
A mission well accomplished...


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Voting Results

 
Pacing: 4.4
How Funny: 4.4
Overall Rating: 4.4

Total Votes: 33

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

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 2   0
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 3   0
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 4   0
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 5   28
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User Comments

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Mel Gibson - March 06, 2015 - Report this comment
You can't go wrong with this crowd-pleaser. Funniest, bloodiest Crucifixion parody since my movie. One thing missing from your authoritative intro: Jesus on the Cross was offered an unfiltered Galilee cigarette or a joint by the apostle Simcha the Stoned. Probably some Mary Magdalene Jane, which when mixed with the wine, caused death by OD. Got photos?
Holy Harry - March 06, 2015 - Report this comment
Bravo! The Gospel according to Arndt.
Variety - March 06, 2015 - Report this comment
Boffo B.O. for hix in stix.
Moses Supposes - March 06, 2015 - Report this comment
Forgive me if I misunderstood your comment on my recent 'Ten Commandments' parody as a suggestion for me to work on this idea -- I didn't know you were already working on this when I took up your suggestion and started working on one of my own.
Agrimorfee - March 06, 2015 - Report this comment
Your best work ever. Church-goin' Dolly Parton would probably approve of this rewrite.
Student - March 06, 2015 - Report this comment
Please supply bibliography of scholarly, evidence-based, historical sources for the details you give, especially in the top comments.
Rob Arndt - March 06, 2015 - Report this comment
MS, please continue your work as independent. Here at AiR, many times people all write on the sane topic or a challenge. During the Superhero challenge, there were lots of authors participating. As for Student, the Tau Cross and crucifixion methods of the Romans for Jesus' time is well known despite media depictions of the Latin Cross and wrong hand and feet nailings and lack of Sedile. As for His birth, it could only be in 7/6 BC due to both the Roman census AND the alignment of Saturn and Jupiter (later Mars) to form the star of Christ's birth. Since Jesus said that this generation would be punished for not recognizing the time of visitation, that generation recognized by Jews would be 40 years. The Jewish Rebellion started in 66 AD minus 40 years equals 26 AD. Jesus was 33 when crucified minus 26 years eqials 7 BC which aligns with the information above. As for the days, they always start at sundown and no way Christ was crucified on Friday and spent 3 days in the midst of the earth (full days). Jesus was crucified pre-Passover (as sacrificial lamb) and was resurrected late on the Sabbath as the tomb was already open before Mary came in the morning. A hyssop reed in that region was only 20" max, no way to reach Christ's lips at 6' or more. And the Romans did not allow any liquids except before crucifixion with a crude mix to dull some of the pain to keep the victim conscious. The vinegar-water solution given late was Roman Posca wine, on a Roman drinking sponge, on a Roman pilum that could reach. You must be a poor student if you can't understand these things. Shows lack of knowledge of Roman crucifixion methods and Biblical numerology as well as the four accounts of the event with varying descriptions. Study more...
Skeptic - March 06, 2015 - Report this comment
"Jesus said..." "The tomb was already open..." "Star of Christ's birth..." Where does this come from?
Avid Reader - March 06, 2015 - Report this comment
While I can't be sure what sources Arndt is using here, Christian novelist Paul L. Maier lists a bunch of similar details in his book Pontius Pilate, which deals with this whole incident from the Romans' point of view. The extensive footnotes in the appendix of his novel also deal with such matters as what kind of politics were swirling around Rome and the Middle East at the time; the Pax Romana notwithstanding, the times were far from quiet and nothing Jesus or anyone around him did happened in a vacuum. In addition to many of these details, he cites a fragmentary work from one Phlegon the Greek that mentions a solar eclipse occurring in a year when there wasn't supposed to be one... right around the time of Jesus' crucifixion.
Student - March 06, 2015 - Report this comment
Rob's tale includes, with devotional fervor, "resurrection," "eternal life," "our Savior," etc. It is therefore faith-based. That would be fine, if only he'd admit it. Instead, he mixes doctrinaire faith together with the spirit of the times, astronomy, and various factoids -- all of which he (and possibly Paul L. Maier) extrapolates to details of an allegedly supernatural crucifixion. What we have, as a result, is fruit cocktail, in which faith and fact become indistinguishable and tasteless. This is not history.
Rob Arndt - March 07, 2015 - Report this comment
@Student of nothing relevent here. Go read the Word, a concise guide to theology, the history of the Roman Army, its equipment, weapons, and torture methodology, as well as the celestial events of Biblical Times. If you are an atheist or agnostic the scriptures hold nothing for you since you are spiritually dead and all your lifetime of works are dead works. A Christian by basic definition is not merely Christ-like nor simple Christ follower, but a sinner saved by grace through faith based upon the FINISHED work of the Cross.
Student - March 07, 2015 - Report this comment
I have read the King James version of Isaiah 2:4 -- "And he shall judge among the nations, and shall rebuke many people: and they shall beat their swords into plowshares, and their spears into pruninghooks: nation shall not lift up sword against nation, neither shall they learn war any more." By that standard, you are an unsaved sinner and a hypocrite -- you who have reveled in war. Your "To the Boats Again" speaks of launching nuclear-tipped cruise missiles against Iran from Dolphin subs (a gift from Germany) against Iran. You have advocated nuking the ME "into a parking lot." "All your lifetime of works" relate to learning war and teaching its instruments. Do not preach your cant to me, you who admit to be "drawn to war," you spawn of Satan!
Patrick - March 07, 2015 - Report this comment
The Jehovah's Witnesses depict the crucifixion as a nailing to an upright post (stavros in Greek) with the victim's arms above his head, rather than on a crossbeam. This was the form described by Garner Ted Armstrong on his old radio and TV shows, and the "Plain Truth" magazine. But, the reasons and results for the execution are far more important than the precise details of the method. Security code "TFT", which sort of resembles three crosses, or a least a central form flanked by two crosses.
Rob Arndt - March 07, 2015 - Report this comment
Patrick, we know for sure that Christ carried the crossbeam as the entire cross would have weighed over 300 lbs!!! Jesus was so battered and had blood running into his eyes, so he kept faltering. That is why the Centurion picked Simon of Cyrene out of the crowd to help shoulder the 75 lb or more crossbeam. Jesus had to carry the crossbeam one-third of a mile to Golgotha. The T-Cross is correct for 1 AD.
Rob Arndt - March 08, 2015 - Report this comment
Student, your scripture concerns the time AFTER Armageddon, after the judgement of the nations, and during Christ's Millennial Rule where He will rule them with a Rod of Iron! Even then, though Satan be bound for 1000 years in the Abyss, he will be loosed to tempt those born during the Millennium. Revelation reveals that he will raise one last army to attack Jerusalem and that it will be put down leading to the Great White Throne Judgment of the evil dead of all time AND Satan and his angels (the second resurrection) . All will be thrown in the Lake of Fire (Gehenna). As for God's wrath, in the OT He ordered the Hebtew slaves to overthrow and KILL the evil nhabitants of Canaan down to the men, women, childten...even animals! God blessed David who killed Goliath in battle and then under Saul killed tens of thousands. When Istael obeyed, victory was given to them. The OT is filled with Devine anger, justice, and bloodshed . When Jesus came, he violently overthrew the money changer tables at the Temple, his discuples carried swords (Garden of Gethsemene incident), and Christ said "I come not to bring peace, but a sword" (referring to those who would choose Him vs the world system). One day there WILL be earthly peace, but nowhere does Jesus say he will stand by and let his people be annihilated. If not for the Germans in both world wars, no Balfour Declaration and no state of Israel. Germany was used to bring back the diaspora from the lands they settled in since 70 AD. God used evil for good. It is right for the US to support Israel militarily. "I will bless those that bless you, and curse those who curse you." Angela Merkel went to Israel and apologized and the Dolphins were both for the Holocaust as well as Germany's help with Saddam's WMDs (Sarin gas, centrifuge sales, modernization of gun systems out to 40 miles with SPGs, etc...). Student, you fail again as poor historian, fact finder, and do NOT know the Word of God at all.
Student - March 08, 2015 - Report this comment
Back to Square One: Scripture as History, embellished by selected current events. A snow job that has been perfected by every leather-lunged, street corner, pamphlet-dealing, fanatic Evangelical. I anticipated your reply, but I find no justification for violence in the essential message of Jesus, i.e., Love and Peace, as I find no Koranic justification for the barbarity of ISIS. Good people ask themselves, "What would Jesus do?" I doubt that any sincere Christian would conclude that, based on Scripture, negotiation vs. lobbing a cruise missile is a contingent matter. The Holocaust was God's prerequisite for the longed-for Jewish Homeland? Divine serendipity? Germany has apologized substantively with weapons? Don't insult our intelligence. Your receptivity to the occult and supernatural makes you, and others like you, impossible to engage in logical, humanistic discourse. Sad. A mind is a terrible thing to waste.
Patrick - March 08, 2015 - Report this comment
Although Garner Ted described the execution as being upon a stake, rather than a cross, his timetable for the dates of Jesus' birth and the sequence of three days and three nights was exactly as you described in your introduction. The prophecy said "three days and three nights in the tomb". Friday afternoon to Sunday morning does not allow enough time for the prophetic details to be fulfilled.

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