(George W. Bush turns on the Republican Noise Machine
and dances before it.)

BUSH:
The Bible try to teach me, try to tell me how to live,
But I can't listen to it, 'cause my head is like a sieve.

Some people tried to warn me not to wear those airmen's clothes.
They caught me in the cockpit with some substance up my nose.

That Powell's so smart, so I kicked him to the curb
For having high-minded ideals, and actin' like a nerd.

(instrumental break)

The world's comin' to an end and I don't even care
As long as I can occupy the Oval Office chair.

And it don't bother me if nations think I'm funny
'Cause I'm the Big Oil Prez and I'm raisin' lots of money.
Money money money money MONEY MONEY AAAHHHHH! HA HA HA
HA!

I'm the King of the World!
I control oil fields and Smart Bombs!
And I only started two wars!
Tremble before me!
You fools!

JOHN KERRY (approaching):
I said turn that Republican Noise Machine off!

(Kerry turns it off with a loud scraping sound)

BUSH:
Kerry! What are you trying to do? You're ruining my election, man; I just won it!

KERRY:
I don't care what you just won! You get your little fanny perpendicular and get ready for a recount!

BUSH:
There won't be a recount.

KERRY:
What do you mean there won't be a recount?

BUSH:
Just what I said: there won't be a recount!

KERRY:
And why not?

BUSH:
Because I'm Prez, that's why not!

KERRY:
Prez? You're Prez, all right. What's up with you now, Prince Charming?

BUSH:
I...I got a mandate.

KERRY:
Mand-- Mandate, my ass! How would you like a court date?! Now get your little fanny off that high horse, and clean up this corruption! It looks like pork barrels. You hear me?

BUSH:
(makes sarcastic pig noises)

KERRY:
All right, that's enough! That's enough! You've pushed me far enough, oil man. You're getting impeached! Now stand up!

BUSH:
No!

KERRY:
I said stand up!

(Kerry pulls him up)

BUSH:
(scream) Hey, let go of my smirk, man!

KERRY:
Now, oil man, we have talked to you and talked to you and talked to you until we're blue in the states, and we're done talking to you!

BUSH:
Good! Does that mean you're done protesting me, too?

KERRY:
Shut up! We're not done talking to you! Now turn around and bend over.

BUSH:
Ah, what are you gonna do, ya commie?

KERRY:
Commie? Why you snotty-nosed little--

BUSH:
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

KERRY:
Oh, shut up. I haven't even summoned you yet.

BUSH:
(needless whining and whimpering)

KERRY:
Now I want you to know this is gonna hurt you a lot more than it's gonna hurt us.

(Kerry literally slaps Bush with impeachment papers.)

BUSH:
Oh wow. That didn't even stick.

KERRY:
Oh, yeah?

(harder slap)

BUSH:
Oh wow! What're you trying to do? Crown me king?

KERRY:
Crown you king? Here, I'll crown you!

(Slam!)

BUSH:
Yeow!!

(Slam!)

Owwwww!

KERRY:
Oh, does that crown you, huh? How about another crowning? C'mon, king it up, royal boy!

BUSH:
OW! Aaaaah! No more! No more!

KERRY:
All right now. Are you gonna stop disregarding 48% of the electorate?

BUSH:
Yeah! Yeah!

KERRY:
You gonna keep demonizing your critics?

BUSH:
Yeah! Yeah!

KERRY:
What?!

BUSH:
I mean no! No! (whimpers)

KERRY:
(through clenched teeth) All right. Now you get your face on and get your little butt over to the press conference. Right now! Do you understand?

BUSH:
Yeah.

KERRY:
All right.

(Bush keeps whining and whimpering until Kerry leaves. A moment, and Bush puts the Republican Noise Machine back on and continues dancing. Fade out.)