(deep male voice singing slow, majestic-sounding opening)

...Whoa whoa whoa whoaaaah...
...Whoa whoa whoa whoaaaah...
...Whoa whoa whoa whoaaaah...
...Whoa whoa whoa whoaaaah...

(sudden tempo jump)

Everybody was junk-food fighting
"HUH!" (dee-dee-dee-dee dah-dah-dah)
Kit-Kats sped past like lightning
"HAH!" (dah-dee-dah, dah-dee-dah, dah-dee-dah)
Those Snickers were a little bit frightening
"HUH!" (dee-dee-dee-dee dah-dah-dah)
They were thrown with expert timing
"HAH!" (dah-dee-dah, dah-dee-dah, dah-dee-dah)

They were throwing M & M's
And Chunky's by the pound
There was choc-o-late up,
There was choc-o-late down
It's a modern Western art,
And every schoolkid knows their part
How to make hysteria,
In the cafeteria!

Everybody was junk-food fighting
"HUH!" (dee-dee-dee-dee dah-dah-dah)
Twinkies flew by like lightning
"HAH!" (dah-dee-dah, dah-dee-dah, dah-dee-dah)
In fact it was a little bit frightening
"HUH!" (dee-dee-dee-dee dah-dah-dah)
All the kids had expert timing
"HAH!" (dah-dee-dah, dah-dee-dah, dah-dee-dah)

There was funky Billy Chin,
And little Sammy Chung
They said, "Here comes the teacher -
HUH! HAH! Let's get it on!"
They took some chow and made a stand,
Started slinging at the man
That teacher slung it back so quick,
Now they're showing their fast-food tricks!

Everybody was junk-food fighting
"HUH!" (dee-dee-dee-dee dah-dah-dah)
Pop-Tarts were flung like lightning
"HAH!" (dah-dee-dah, dah-dee-dah, dah-dee-dah)
The Skittles were especially frightening
"HUH!" (dee-dee-dee-dee dah-dah-dah)
Everybody had expert timing
"HAH!" (dah-dee-dah, dah-dee-dah, dah-dee-dah)

Whoa whoa whoa whoaaaah --- whack!
(dee-dee-dee-dee dah-dah-dah)
Whoa whoa whoa whoaaaah --- splat!
(dah-dee-dah, dah-dee-dah, dah-dee-dah)
Whoa whoa whoa whoaaaah --- whack!
(dee-dee-dee-dee dah-dah-dah)
"Oh no no NOOOOOOOOOOO" --- SPLAT!
(dah-dee-dah, dah-dee-dah, dah-dee-dah)