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Song Parodies -> "The Ballerini"

Original Song Title:

"The Entertainer"

 (MP3)
Original Performer:

Billy Joel

Parody Song Title:

"The Ballerini"

Parody Written by:

Edward Genereux

The Lyrics

This parody, my 112th and second straight of Billy Joel, was inspired by pop country starlet Kelsea Ballerini's crappy performance on an impostor "country" awards show known as the American Country Countdown Awards on May Day 2016. Her performance was of her undeserving hit "Dibs," and it fell rather flat. In my last anti-pop country parody, "Bro-Country Act" (spoofing Jethro Tull's "Slow Marching Band"), I asked the question: "Whither women, like Kellie Pickler?" Well, I tell you, Miss Ballerini is hoarding the spotlight from more deserving female country artists like Maddie and Tae, Kacey Musgraves and Cam. She only got this far, in part, because of Radio Disney's strong backing. Hence this parody, which is my fourth in my examination of the faults of pop country, after "Taylor Swift Is Not Country," "This Country Ain't Garth" and the aforementioned "Bro-Country Act."
She is the Ballerini and she's everywhere, it seems;
She's just another starlet lacking music that redeems.
Tonight I saw her on T.V. and threw up in my mouth
'Cos from her very lips came a most flat "Dibs."
I know she'll get the shaft in a year and a half
And her prospects will go south.

She is the Ballerini; to be country she does claim,
But when I heard four of her songs, they all did sound the same.
Oh, that she wrote something diff'rent, like social comment'ry;
But the Floyd she ain't--any hope is most faint
That she ever will write aught that isn't so trite
That it makes my ears to bleed!

She is the Ballerini and she's known all o'er the land,
I would that radio stations asked that all her songs be banned.
And who's that schmuck on guitar? That solo is a dud.
It's the Jonas named Nick; let us bundle them quick
And ship them both right down to good old Burbank town
Where they'll fit with other crud. (1)

She is the Ballerini; I've had it with her songs
'Cos the right of more good ladies won't e'er come from twelve wrongs. (2)
No, I don't see her improving; yet I hear her playing still
On KEEY (3) as I sorrowfully sigh
For the days of old when, in letters bold,
"All-time favourites" played with skill.

She is the Ballerini; I wish she'd pirouette
To KISS-FM (4) immediately 'cos such is her best bet
If she wants to last a long time in this, the music biz.
Auto-Tune is a crutch that she uses too much
'Stead of using her voice and a-making a choice
To be a natural-vocals whiz.

She is the Ballerini and she has not a place
In my music library 'cos all available space
Has been occupied by artists who actually perform
Without pitch-correction or gruesome affections;
Alas! few are they who avoid nowadays
All the digital record norms.

She is the Ballerini and I began to fear
When "Love Me Like You Mean It" played that God just wasn't there.
I mean, why would he tolerate that such hacks would exist?
It's a pile of schlock, which has led me to mock
This fraud of a voice that is nothing but noise
And has left me truly pissed.
Footnotes: (1) Nick Jonas played a guitar solo on Ballerini's hit "Peter Pan" at the 2016 A.C.M. awards. (2) Ballerini's debut album The First Time has twelve tracks on most pressings. (3) KEEY-FM, aka K102, is the Twin Cities' premier country station. (4) KISS-FM is a network of top-40 stations.

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