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Song Parodies -> "He Always Seems Wooden To Me"

Original Song Title:

"She's Always A Woman To Me"

Original Performer:

Billy Joel

Parody Song Title:

"He Always Seems Wooden To Me"

Parody Written by:

Arwen & Mistress Leola

The Lyrics

He's a Hollywood guy with a lotta success,
So you'd likely assume that he's one of the best,
But to make such assumptions is really naive;
He Dances With Wolves, but he always seems wooden to me

I remember the time when he took on Capone --
People thought it was great, but it just made me groan;
Though the baseball romantics just loved 'Field of Dreams',
I thought he struck out, 'cause his acting seemed wooden to me

Oh, when Revenge wasn't sweet,
I could find No Way Out
But to just fall asleep;
And with Oscars he stole
For 'behind-the-lens' roles,
He's a true Prince of Thieves

Seems he won't study acting, and that is a shame;
You would think he'd take classes For Love Of The Game,
For 'The Postman' delivered a letter: a 'D';
This Bodyguard seems only helpless and wooden to me

Oh, for conspiracy's sake,
Took on JFK's case
Just about lost my mind
Oh, I can't figure it out
Seeing movies he's in
Makes me wish I were blind

Well, 'Bull Durham' was half-right, because it was 'bull'
And 'Tin Cup' was his best work... but only half-full
And his 'Waterworld' justly was washed out to sea;
They call him a 'star',
But I find that bizarre,
'Cause he's always seemed wooden to me

...zzz-zzz-zzz... zzz-ZZZ-zzz...
...zzz-zzz-zzz... zzz-ZZZ-zzz...
...zzz-ZZZ-zzz... zzz-ZZZ-zzz...
...zzz-ZZZ-zzz... zzz-ZZZ-zzz...

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Original Song: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 5.0
How Funny: 5.0
Overall Rating: 5.0

Total Votes: 20

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   0
 2   0
 3   0
 4   1
 5   19

User Comments

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Johnny D - April 11, 2005 - Report this comment
Quiz time: Who is the more-talented movie star:

Kevin Costner ?


Keanu Reeves ?
Rick Cormier - April 11, 2005 - Report this comment
Why, in "Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves", was he the only one without a British accent? 555
Johnny D - April 11, 2005 - Report this comment
In "Dances With Wolves", his girlfriend/wife was named "Stands With A Fist". Maybe he should have been called "Bores You To Tears".
Arwen - April 11, 2005 - Report this comment
For the record, the sweet Mistress is the one who deserves the praise, here, folks. I think I wrote 2 lines...=) Happy to be associated with her, though...I think it'll give me some street cred...
Kristof Robertson - April 11, 2005 - Report this comment
Great work, Laydeez! I really loved both of your lines, Arwen..:-) Poor Kev; you've gotta pity someone who suffers from Chronic Squint Syndrome. 555
Mistress Leola - April 11, 2005 - Report this comment
Zee elfen one, Arwen, she ees too modesst -- tomorrow, I post vat zees vas before I send to her asking for her experteezing...

Johnny D - April 11, 2005 - Report this comment
Oops, almost forgot to say, great parody, Arwen & The Leolanator, 555.
Rex - April 11, 2005 - Report this comment
Excellent! If only Costner had such range.
pickle - April 11, 2005 - Report this comment
I always remember my sister saying that Costner resembled Leonard Rossiter (Rigsby in 'Rising Damp' and Mr. Shadrach in the movie of 'Billy Liar') in 'The Bodyguard'! I hoped Whitney Houston would sing 'Me & Mrs. Jones' (because Rigsby was in love with Miss Jones) or 'Vienna' (for Rigsby's cat)!
John Barry - April 11, 2005 - Report this comment
Excellent parody. I have to go with Kevin, JD.
alvin rhodes - April 11, 2005 - Report this comment
funny concept...5s
Arwen - April 11, 2005 - Report this comment
Thanks to everyone who has voted/commented...and again, special thanks to Mistress Leola for letting me join her and her sexy accent on this one...=)
Michael "Crash" Pacholek - April 11, 2005 - Report this comment
This elf is pitchin' the Amiright equivalent of a two-hit shutout, and she writes one that ticks me off. You believe that (stuff)? Charlie, here comes the deuce, and when you speak of me, speak well.
Arwen - April 11, 2005 - Report this comment
Where is that damned eye rolling emoticon when I need it...?

And if you're going to be mad, you have to be mad at both me AND Leola...and trust me...we could take you down...
Catch 23 - April 12, 2005 - Report this comment
My favorite parody of the day
Jeff Reuben - April 12, 2005 - Report this comment
Well done! Have to admit I like both of the baseball flicks, but I'm biased, and you could have stuck a stiff like Vin Diesel in those and I'd stil have enjoyed them =)
Peter Andersson a.k.a K1chyd - April 12, 2005 - Report this comment
I like to think of his movies as B-movies with A-movie budgets before I see them now, that way I don't get to dissappointed.
Zee Meestress - April 12, 2005 - Report this comment
Thank you dahlinks!
Michael Pacholek - April 12, 2005 - Report this comment
They could take me down? One at a time, please. I may be a nut but I'm not a freak.
AFW - April 12, 2005 - Report this comment
Altho, I am a Costner fan...and don't see him as wooden..but, more "Layback" style...loved "Field Of Dreams".....I also admire the skill and flow that's in this I vote 555
Claude Prez - April 12, 2005 - Report this comment
He was great in "Silverado" though. Well done U2
Phil Alexander - April 15, 2005 - Report this comment
Brilliant, Arwen & Mistress. After heading up nearly to Scotland and walking along Hadrian's Wall to find a tree that features a couple of hundred miles south in Sherwood (in Prince of Thieves), any Costner-basher does it for me :-)

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