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Song Parodies -> "The Bent Retainer"

Original Song Title:

"The Entertainer"

Original Performer:

Billy Joel

Parody Song Title:

"The Bent Retainer"

Parody Written by:

Leo Jay

The Lyrics

I am the bent retainer: a warped sadistic tool
I'm merely 'acci-dental', I mainly make you drool
My purpose is to harm you, my goal's to make you hurt:
Spend your nights awake with an oral ache
While your days are spent in embarrassment
As you dribble on your shirt...

I am the bent retainer -- I make your folks insane
They had to spend their savings, but it's money down the drain
Well, your mommy loves to live well, but your daddy's just been canned
And they'd just bought a car on their MasterCard
So their credit's tight, and their cash is light
So they bought me second-hand...

I am the bent retainer: I've thwarted lots of teens
From 'would-be' womanizers to 'won't-be' beauty queens
I'll give you more neuroses than anyone alive
For your teenage years will be filled with the fear
That this oral hex means you won't have sex
'Til you're well past thirty-five...

I am the bent retainer: a truly twisted mess
A god-dam (dental) nuisance -- a torture, more or less
You thought oral 'fix-ation' would straighten out your teeth
But you look like a geek and can't even speak:
Cause the pain in your mouth just makes you scream "Outh!"
Ath your thliced thtongue thtarths to bleeth...

I am the bent retainer: the orthodontist's joy
(Another fat consulting fee! Another yacht - "Ahoy!")
You tried to pay to fix me - but it was good cash after bad
You still look like a fool and can't go to school
Cause the teaching staff and the kids all laugh
(You can thank your mom and dad...)

I am the bent retainer, so now I've bent your ear
My plans to wreck your teen years are more than crystal clear
The moral of the story: I am just an oral curse
To save your teeth, you must dispose of me
Because if I could, I'd do more harm than good
And I'd make things even worse!

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Matches Pace of
Original Song: 
How Funny: 
Overall Score: 

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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.3
How Funny: 4.1
Overall Rating: 4.1

Total Votes: 9

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   1
 2   0
 3   1
 4   0
 5   7

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

EmiLoca - June 24, 2004 - Report this comment
This is incredible. 5's for the title alone (which I decided I wasn't going to do anymore - pfft). Every line is a gem. Every stanza is a Borsheims. Holy buckets, Leo, I think you've outdone yourself this time! I'm absolutely hoppy-jump excited about this one, which is a weird feeling at 9:20 a.m.

I have a retainer myself that I "wear at night" (more like, threw away two months ago) and can completely relate. "Acci-dental" is right. would be stupid to quote the entire thing back to you. I don't know about you, but if I were you, I'd donate some of my talent to EmiLoca and send it to her via UPS. But that's just me. 5-5-5, and I'm not just being nice this time. ;-)
Leo Billy Jo Reuben Clancy Walter Jay III - June 24, 2004 - Report this comment
Well, ain't you jes' the sweetes' thang! Shore do 'preciate yer stoppin' by t'read m'little ditty. An' shucks, ma'am, if'n it's any good, a'tall, it's jes' cuz I learns from good folks like yerself.
Royce Miller - June 24, 2004 - Report this comment
It's really bad that I don't know this Billy Joel song, but you have some really good lyrics here
Leo Jay - June 24, 2004 - Report this comment
[completely shocked out of playful-syntax-mode from having read JARLB's recent submission]

Thanks much, Royce, for reading, especially since you DKTOS.
John Barry - June 24, 2004 - Report this comment
Here's one you can really sink your teeth into. Nicely orthodone.
Leo Jay - June 24, 2004 - Report this comment
Thanks, JB! I appreciate it.
Loosekanen (The Armstrong) - June 24, 2004 - Report this comment
Good subject. Fantastic original song. And a true true story for anyone that's lived it... and i have. 5s here.
Jim Lewis - June 24, 2004 - Report this comment
Very palatable. 555
Meriadoc - June 24, 2004 - Report this comment
I think this proves you are retaining a lot of talent! Excellent job to take such a long song and such a simple subject and make every verse a gem!
Jake A Ralphing (Luke Brattoni) - June 24, 2004 - Report this comment
I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! Jeepers, I would have thought parody writers would be the last people alive to take a song seriously. A thousand tacks of sin have mowed through me for ending your playful syntax mode. Please resume! DKTOS but this has some great jokes, in the words of me with my smelly ol' retainer in: 'It'th tooth-uper!' "I am so scant in brains-a, so when I wrote a song. It was so damn off-ensive, it simply wasn't on. I tried making it witty, but wrote in a hurry. Now there's narrowed eyes, Emi's stern outcries, Went down pretty bad with that Leo lad, So I say now: I'm sorry!"
MasonR - June 25, 2004 - Report this comment
LOL! A brilliant job on a song with some tricky pacing (yes I do know the original). It reminds me of how happy my orthodontist always seemed. Orthodontists are sadists! (Rich sadists, that is...)
Leo Jay - June 25, 2004 - Report this comment
Loosekanen, Jim Lewis, Meriadoc, JARLB and MasonR -- thanks very much for reading and leaving comments, with particular gratitude going out to those who of you who DKTOS (shame on you, by the way -- Billy Joel is a god!), and to those who have lived the experience and permitted me to attempt to derive humour from your suffering.

JARLB, I'll post to your own song again later...
Johnny D - June 25, 2004 - Report this comment
OK, OK, you get 5's simply on the basis of the line "Cause the pain in your mouth just makes you scream "Outh!" " !
Leo Jay - June 26, 2004 - Report this comment
Thanks, Johnny D. Creativity borne of sheer desperation.
Phil Alexander - July 12, 2004 - Report this comment
Damn, but this is good. Surprised you didn't wangle in "Transcendental" somehow ;-)
Jeff Reuben - July 12, 2004 - Report this comment
Funny, I was stuck with one of those things for three years!
Liao Xhe - July 13, 2004 - Report this comment
Phil: 'transcendental' would have been a divine addition, by gum -- and (as Lily Tomlin's Edith Ann would say) that's the tooth!
Jeff: thanks for stopping by! - July 17, 2004 - Report this comment
What Royce said. But this is one of those where the lyrics stand on their own. Excellent!
John Jenkins - July 17, 2004 - Report this comment
Excellent rhyming and a lot of good lines - particularly "'would-be' womanizers to 'won't-be' beauty queens."
Jared - July 18, 2004 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Nice weork Leo, all fives from me..never had a retainer or braces myself, but I still loved this
Jake A Ralphing (Luke Brattoni) - July 20, 2004 - Report this comment
(SOTM) *treading nervously* Once again, a great parody. And that's the tooth.
Claude Prez - July 27, 2004 - Report this comment
Masterfully done. Outstanding. Too many great lines to mention.
Johnny D - July 27, 2004 - Report this comment
(SOTM) See above!
Johnny D - July 29, 2004 - Report this comment
+++Restoring vote that was lost due to 7-28-04 system problem+++
Peregrin - July 31, 2004 - Report this comment
Excellent! BTW, I didn't know it either! But I got it! Well done!
Meriadoc - July 31, 2004 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Restoring my 5's vote to you also.
ethan - July 31, 2004 - Report this comment
this got a lot of hype so far in the voting thread and lived up to it or at least didn't fall too far short
2nz - August 01, 2004 - Report this comment
Great work, Leo. It takes bravery to attempt any decent Billy Joel song, and talent to carry the humor through his pacing rigors. You have justly displayed both. If I could give a fourth vote in SOTM, you'd be it.
Jackie - January 08, 2006 - Report this comment
Hilarious! The rhyme scheme was pretty awesome too, and what a great idea!

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