Blitzen's in the kitchen in the 'nog again
Scarfing cheese and eating coq au vin
A blintz that should be gone because it's moldy green
Leaves evidence upon his chin

He doesn't care how drunk he gets on Tanqueray
Or the rum balls getting tart
The spittle on his nose is really beer can spray
Five cases bought at Liquor Mart

Elves are screaming that it's so unfair
For him to drink a case a day and never share
He just chugs another and then sleeps it off quite impaired

The reindeer need be sober just on Christmas eve
Rudolph leading with nose bright
But Blitzen's home in bed and now he's got the heaves
And so the sleigh pulls to the right

(Instrumental break)

Round and round they go o'er the icy pole
Like some clockwise type of cruise control
Hope magic dust won't make a bunch of new ozone holes

Blitzen's in the kitchen on the java train
Caffeine coursing through his mighty veins
He joins the sleigh in flight and Santa takes the reigns
A blink and they're halfway to Spain

Oh, listen to the rain in Spain
Pitter patter, pitter patter
Oh, oh, oh Blitzen just got sick again
Spitup splatter, spitup splatter