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Song Parodies -> "I Want To Probe Your Gland"

Original Song Title:

"I Want To Hold Your Hand"

Original Performer:

The Beatles

Parody Song Title:

"I Want To Probe Your Gland"

Parody Written by:

The Comedian

The Lyrics

Oh yeah, time
For your yearly
Rectal prostate exam

And you
Will pay dearly

I want to probe your gland
I want to probe your gland
I'm gonna probe your gland


Now lean
Over please
Here comes my well-gloved hand

And breathe
Deeply please

While I just probe your gland
Just let me probe your gland
I've got to probe your gland


And when I touch you
You'll feel crappy
Inside

It's such a feeling
From my glove

As it glides
Deep inside
Your behind


(Oh) Yeah, your
Prostate's growin'
Not hard to understand

It's just
Your age showin'

You've got a swollen gland
You've got a swollen gland
It's just a swollen gland


Now that I've touched it
You can tell it's
Grown some

I'll Roto-Rooter
You and then

When I'm done
Number One
Will be fun


(Oh) Yeah, you
Can get dressed now
I'm done with your exam

Here's my
Bill for you now


My Harvard Med-School hand

Expertly probed your gland

Not cheap you understand...


You owe me twenty gra-a-a-a-a-a-and!

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 LittleLots
Matches Pace of
Original Song: 
How Funny: 
Overall Score: 



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Voting Results

 
Pacing: 4.7
How Funny: 4.8
Overall Rating: 4.8

Total Votes: 20

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   0
 0
 0
 
 2   0
 0
 0
 
 3   2
 1
 2
 
 4   2
 3
 1
 
 5   16
 16
 17
 

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

Adagio - January 20, 2004 - Report this comment
Leave 'em laughing? Never can tell with your titles nowadays. Good job!! 5's
Know 1 can hear you dream - January 20, 2004 - Report this comment
Glands over a 555.
Agrimorfee - January 20, 2004 - Report this comment
Excellent!! You took the high road on what could have been some really sick humor...you changed the words for every chorus...and you told a story. Great, great, parody!
Rick D - January 20, 2004 - Report this comment
This was the song that changed my life. Now it may do so again.
Eye1zLotto - January 20, 2004 - Report this comment
Boy, did we open the floodgates or what? Great job. All 5's. I did one similar a few weeks back to Nate Kings Cole's "I love you (for sentimental resons)". Mine was: "I glove you (for proctological reasons)" I know, shameless plug, but I learned from the master himself! Good stuff. Eye1 p.s. got a great one coming in tommorow about human cloning. Film at 11!
Patrick - January 20, 2004 - Report this comment
Might be the best parody of this song ever ! Great.
Jan Unwin - January 20, 2004 - Report this comment
K, Y do I give you 3 fives? Because you deserve it.
Johnny D - January 20, 2004 - Report this comment
Thanks to everybody so far!

Adagio: Heh heh heh, that's right, keep 'em guessing, nyuk nyuk nyuk!

K1chyd: Glands across the water! Glands across the sky!

Agrimorfee: Yes, I wanted to keep this parody's lines varied and not too gross, and tell a little story, too - you are quite correct!

Rick D: Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes...turn and face the exam-bed...ch-ch-change-ah-hez

Eye1: Yep, here come de flood!

Patrick: Awwww shucks, what can I say...

Jan: Smoothly said!

Tin Man: Oh don't start crying, you'll just rust-up again!

Scarecrow: I think I'm going to miss you most of all .....
Paul Robinson - January 20, 2004 - Report this comment
Johnny D - Well, it took me a while to "prep" for this parody, what with the single glove to pick up from Neverland, the surgical mask, handy-wipes and all that hand-scrubbing still to finish from the first one today, but it was well worth it. You've once again done a "Gland job" with a great, classic song. We would fully salute you but some of these medications I'm taking are shortening my stride and keeping me from reaching my full potential on occasion. Ah, to regain the "spring" of my youth, wouldn't it be Gloverly? Your score? another math quiz, Johnny, just to make sure you aren't neglecting your other studies in your quest for ultimate and complete interior anatomical knowledge: I HAVE voted and your average is 5.0 in all 3 categories at this time (8 total votes cast). What scores did I give this parody? I am tough taskmaster (Cruel, but fair) and so this won't be multiple choice.
Johnny D - January 20, 2004 - Report this comment
"Cruel, but fair" ? So you aren't plannin' on nailin' me 'ead to the floor?

Thanks, Paul!
Tim Hall - January 20, 2004 - Report this comment
What makes this parody appropriate is that the original song is 40 years old, just like the target audience for such an exam.
Meriadoc - January 20, 2004 - Report this comment
"Number One will be fun" - that is excellent!
Johnny D - January 20, 2004 - Report this comment
Thanks Tim and Meriadoc!
Arwen - January 20, 2004 - Report this comment
Is it really that funny if I'm cringing while I'm reading...oh yeah...it is...5s from me, Johnny...nice work!
Johnny D - January 20, 2004 - Report this comment
Gee, Arwen, why would you have any reason to cringe? Heh heh heh! Thanks very much!
Rice Cube - January 20, 2004 - Report this comment
Thought you went to MIT, Johnny ;-) Good stuff!
Johnny D - January 20, 2004 - Report this comment
Thanks, Rice Cube. Yes, I went to M.I.T. and I dropped out of M.I.T. And people don't offer us engineers thousands of dollars to shove digits up their ports.....wait a minute.....I guess in a manner of speaking they do.....
Jack Wilson - January 20, 2004 - Report this comment
Great job, Johnny!!!!!!!
Johnny D - January 20, 2004 - Report this comment
Thank you very much, Jack!
Mari D - January 21, 2004 - Report this comment
So... how are you feeling, Johnny? You've probably heard this before, but you really got to the bottom of things...
Johnny D - January 21, 2004 - Report this comment
Thanks, Mari D .... I'm feeling A-OK, and you can interpret that in A-ny way that seems A-ppropriate!
Peregrin - January 21, 2004 - Report this comment
After that however JD, I am not sure that I wanna hold yours!
Johnny D - January 21, 2004 - Report this comment
Awww Pippin, why not? Here, let me take my glove off.....oops....where's my glove.....
Leah Lockhart - January 21, 2004 - Report this comment
"I'm glad I'm not a ma-a-an" Grody, but good work, as always! ;-)
Johnny D - January 21, 2004 - Report this comment
Thanks, Leah!
Paul Robinson - January 22, 2004 - Report this comment
Johnny D - There's an extra glove lying around here, maybe it's yo....OH, wait, couldn't be yours, you are on the EAST Coast, I'm in Californy. Whew, Thank God!! Hey! Then WHOSE is this, anyway? Johnny, Nail ye' 'ead to tha' floor? An' soil me 'ammer? Nay, t'would 'av ta bring ye' own 'ammer, lad. Cruel is cruel an' fair is fair as I always say. Love "old salt" gibberish, don't you?
Guy - January 22, 2004 - Report this comment
Don't linger your finger, this probe is a stinger. Another good one from the room full of toilets writing guild. Great work JD! Sorry, been preoccupied and it took me a day or two to get to this but it was worth the wait.
Johnny D - January 22, 2004 - Report this comment
Thank you, Guy - great to hear from another guild member!

And thanks once again, PR ! ARRRHHH !
mac195 - January 26, 2004 - Report this comment
LOL
Johnny D - January 26, 2004 - Report this comment
Thanks mac195 !
Mr. X - January 26, 2004 - Report this comment
good work as always, especially in the last line
Johnny D - January 26, 2004 - Report this comment
Thanks Mr. X.
Rick D - January 29, 2004 - Report this comment
Looks to me like we're sharing that spot.
Johnny D - January 29, 2004 - Report this comment
I like the company.
2nz - February 10, 2004 - Report this comment
Seriously, where have I been to miss this stuff? Really... narrative too. Great, as always.
Sylvia UK - April 03, 2004 - Report this comment
My personal favourite. I was laughing so hard I only just managed to email the link to all my "gentlemen contacts of a certain age" !
Johnny D - April 03, 2004 - Report this comment
Again, many thanks, Sylvia, and once again, cheers, to you and your "gentlemen contacts"!
Leo Jay - December 10, 2004 - Report this comment
Hilarious!
Leo Jay - June 30, 2005 - Report this comment
(ABC) Ah yes, the joys of over-40-ness... Still as funny as when I left the comment above...
Rich Kapalin - July 01, 2005 - Report this comment
Still laughing as I try to write! 555 all the way!
Adagio - July 05, 2005 - Report this comment
(ABC)Already voted and commented. :D
Agrimorfee - July 06, 2005 - Report this comment
(ABC05) see above
Red Ant - July 06, 2005 - Report this comment
(I-05) I'm laughing at this, though in a decade or so I supect that might change. =)
Rich Kapalin - July 06, 2005 - Report this comment
(ABC) I have to include this one in my top 5!
Arwen - July 06, 2005 - Report this comment
ABC--still funny...still cringing...=)
Mikey Squirrel - July 08, 2005 - Report this comment
(ABC) Very clever. This one.. reached.. inside of me. eew. Tri-Fives.
Jake A Ralphing (Luke Brattoni) - July 08, 2005 - Report this comment
(ABC) The original lyrics? You rectum! More hilarious work, Johnny.
Stuart McArthur - July 11, 2005 - Report this comment
( I ) - Well, I just hope they clean and thoroughly disinfect that Roto-rooter before it's my turn, Johnny - LOL!
Scathe - July 13, 2005 - Report this comment
(ABC-I) The ending was the pay-off for this spoof.
Rick C - July 15, 2005 - Report this comment
(ABC05) Probing and funny..555
Adam Eccleshall - July 16, 2005 - Report this comment
(ABC) Here's 15 towards that twenty grand :-)
Dee Range - July 16, 2005 - Report this comment
(I) Prostrate with laughter, Johnny. LMAO
Ethan Mawyer - July 17, 2005 - Report this comment
ABC - First it seemed like another johnny D envelope pusher, which techically it is, but the end set it apart. 555
martha - July 17, 2005 - Report this comment
another witty Johnny D classic.....very funny .. but I think guys can feel this one more acutely....
Jeff Reuben - July 17, 2005 - Report this comment
And I'm backing my way into you babe. Loved the Roto Rooter line.
MysteryGoat - July 18, 2005 - Report this comment
(ABC) Dude that was just funny.
Oh no Liz Lemon - January 18, 2012 - Report this comment
Aw, I'm disappointed... I just started working on this exact parody today. Since the original song was so popular, I figured someone might've got to this before I did; I Google searched this title to find out, and there you were. Well, nice work. [sighs]

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