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Song Parodies -> "Phelps!"

Original Song Title:

"Help!"

Original Performer:

The Beatles

Parody Song Title:

"Phelps!"

Parody Written by:

Patrick McWilliams

The Lyrics

Fred Phelps, a preacher from Topeka, Kansas, is notorious for protesting at the funerals of US soldiers killed in Iraq and Afghanistan. He and his family desecrate the US flag and carry signs attributing the deaths of service personnel to America's tolerance of homosexuality. The father of one fallen Marine had the guts to sue Phelps. He won a substantial judgment against the Westboro Baptist Church. Phelps countersued and was awarded damages against the father. The case went to the Supreme Court last week. Phelps is God's appointed agent on earth to deal with the issue of gays in America. I figured I would investigate just how this Mission Impossible assignment came about.
Phelps! I need you buddy!
Phelps! When your shoes are muddy
Phelps, just wrap a flag around them, Phelps!

Six thousand years ago on that Creation Day
I made a man named Adam, and I didn't make him gay
But nowadays the plans I had aren't going all that well
I need a prophet who will give the people Hell

Help me, Freddie, please, go act the clown
While I put another soldier in the ground
Hear his widow's mournful, wailing sound
IED's, you'll thank Me! (1)

I hate America, just like the Reverend Wright (1*)
Everyone but Fred Phelps is a filthy Sodomite
But now it seems that I've forgotten how to smite
Perhaps I'll send another plague of locusts in the night

Help me, Fred, my creatures are all bent
From the PFC's up to the President
Don't bother warning them they should repent (2)
Freddie, please, please help me!

The Court has heard your case and in a few more days (3)
Common sense and decency will vanish 'neath their gaze
Judges rarely side with me and I'll be so amazed
When they tell that Gyrene's dad he's gonna have to pay

Freddie, you've sure mastered all the tricks
Give the Stars and Stripes a few more kicks
Topeka's Zip Code starts with six six six (4)
Freddie, please, please Phelps Me, Phelps Me!
(1) & (1*) "Thank God For IED's" (improvised explosive devices), "God Hates America", are both actual Phelps family picket signs. (2) One of the basic tenants of Christianity is repentance for the forgiveness of sins through Jesus Christ. I have seen several of Phelps' protests, I do not recall any mention of repentance. (3) Actually, a few more months, the way the Court works. (4) Westboro Baptist Church, 3701 SW 12th Street, Topeka, Kansas 66604.

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Voting Results

 
Pacing: 4.3
How Funny: 4.7
Overall Rating: 4.7

Total Votes: 6

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   1
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 2   0
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 3   0
 1
 1
 
 4   0
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 5   5
 5
 5
 

User Comments

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Old Man Ribber - October 11, 2010 - Report this comment
Patrick - This is wickedly devastating and not without an amount of cringe factor. At the risk of being struck down by a lightning bolt, I say Ph*ck Phred Phelps! ;D
TJC - October 11, 2010 - Report this comment
Masterfully wrought iron-clad irony Patrick! Every line a consistent sinner-grinner-winner--
Michael Pacholek - October 11, 2010 - Report this comment
My first thought was swimmer Michael Phelps. My second was Jim Phelps, the IMF boss played by Peter Graves on "Mission: Impossible." That may be the worst thing Fred Phelps can face: People aren't thinking of him! Hopefully, his crusade will self-destruct in 5 seconds. Speaking of the number 5, that's also the rating for this parody.
Patrick - October 11, 2010 - Report this comment
Michael, I thought of Jim Phelps getting his message on the exploding tape recorder. Perhaps Fred got his word from God the same way. While everyone was fretting about the gun-toting Georgia pastor who threatened to burn a Quran, Phelps actually did burn one. Even the Muslims ignored him. My cousin, who is a Christian, says Phelps is more Islamic in his attitudes than Christian. I bet he approves of how Iran deals with homosexuals, a purple nylon noose and a crane. I first met Fred Phelps back in the early 1980's. He was in Kansas City to take part in a tax protest movement organized by a local State senator. No one could quite pin him down on the gun issue, so most of the local activists began ignoring him even then. He ran for governor, circa 1988 or 1990. Back then his primary issue was property taxes, which he wanted to abolish. I got on his mailing list and received a few "Dim Bulb" reports, mimeographed sheets about then Kansas Governor Joan Finney. That's where I first saw the gay obsession. I do recall seeing some protesters with anti-gay signs at the entrance to the Topeka Expo Center many years ago, but at that time I didn't know who they were. Phelps has been pastor of his family church since the 1950's as I recall. A Lawrence, Kansas film maker produced a documentary with the Phelps family cooperation. They even offered to come picket the theatre to boost attendance, but he turned him down. When I knew him he was a friendly guy, typical right winger, didn't seem much different from anyone you'd meet at your typical gun show or Republican rally, in fact, less rabid than most. Too bad. I have no idea where homosexuality comes from, and don't think it can be changed. I know where taxes come from, and those can be changed when there is the will to do so.
John Barry - October 11, 2010 - Report this comment
Beat me to it. I was working one one about this POS, but yours is so good I think I'll retire mine. Helps answer the question: what's the matter with Kansas?
Andy Primus - October 11, 2010 - Report this comment
Hilarious & great fit with OS. Never heard of him, but he sure does sound like a nutcase.
AFW - October 11, 2010 - Report this comment
Fine political spoof and satire
Patrick - October 12, 2010 - Report this comment
Looking at the State through conservative eyes, and with some knowledge of the border wars and the continuing rivalry with Missouri, I'd say the biggest problem is that Kansas was founded by settlers from Massachusetts, while Missouri was founded by Kentuckians.

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