I read the news today, oh boy,
And almost all of it was bad, I feared.
Instead the news were pretty weird,
They really made me la-augh,
Even the photogra-aphs.

There was a man who ate a car,
He didn’t eat that thing just piece by piece.
He ate the whole thing in one bite.
That guy’s out of his gourd,
Nobody is really sure if he’s the Ultimate Warlord.

I saw a film today, oh boy,
The US Army had some tea and cakes.
The film became a giant flop,
But I thought it was cool,
They’d think I’m a fool.
I’d like a saaaaaaaaaaandwiiiiiiiich, pleeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaase.

[dramatic buildup]

Woke up, fell out of bed,
Holy crap, I’m outta bread.
So for breakfast, I just ate a plate.
Regrettably, I broke all of my teeth.
At least I won’t have to brush,
But I’ll have to eat some mush.
If I fix my teeth, then I’ll be broke,
Somebody spoke & I was sent down to France.
Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh.

[another dramatic buildup]

I read les news today, oh boy,
But a virus changed them to Swahili.
I couldn’t read the news at all,
Whatever did they scrawl?
Did they quit & spend the rest of their lives just playing baseball?
I’d like a saaaaaaaaaaandwiiiiiiiich, pleeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaase.