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Song Parodies -> "The Ballad of Malcolm Higgins (You Never Really Were Funny)"

Original Song Title:

"Abbey Road Medley"

Original Performer:

The Beatles

Parody Song Title:

"The Ballad of Malcolm Higgins (You Never Really Were Funny)"

Parody Written by:


The Lyrics

The first part of the Abbey road medley, anyway. i.e. from "You Never Give Me Your Money" to "She Came in Through the Bathroom Window". There's a gap between the latter and "Golden Slumbers". I might finish from "Golden Slumbers" to "Her Majesty" later. Anyways: I'm sick of seeing five Barack-themed parodies every day, even though I've only been at this site less than a week. He's not funny and it's a complete shame that he's the top contributor to this site. I write my parodies by copying and pasting the original lyrics into Notepad and editing them in there. I copied the lyrics from and so the punctuation marks remain from there. I'm not providing a video since (a) it's too long, (b) it's not licensed on YouTube (I think) and, most of all, (c) everyone already knows it. Judge on the value of the parody itself, not on your personal opinions regarding Malcolm Higgins (er, well, if they make you vote higher, then, er, why not). Comments are very much appreciated. I also challenge Malcolm to write a counter-song. We could very well duel and stuff. My ego is getting worse than Liam Gallagher's. Enjoy!
You never really are funny
You've only written unfunny capers,
And in the shadow of a grand election, you broke down.
I never thought you'd get dumber;
I only wish on you fornication
And in the middle of browsing your bashing, I break down.

Out of talent, all jokes spent,
No one's laughing, just get bent,
All the money's gone, market implodes
Losing jobs and getting sacked;
News reporting, Dow falls back.
Higgins doesn't know how not to blow.

And is your work appealing?
I'd answer no.
Do you write with feeling?
I'd answer no.

Here's my dream:
You leave the site and get doused with kerosene.
Soon you'll be away from here;
Light up the gas and wipe your smears away.
Here's my dream, it came true, this way.
You were too late.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven,
Swears Democrats won't go to heaven.

Ah. (crap)
Here comes Mal Higgins.
Here comes Mal Higgins.
Nobody is laughing,
Everyone feels crappy.
Here comes Mal Higgins.

You are secretly a communist, hates Aquino Corazon
Soon though, Neo-Nazis are reporting you're a member after all
Domo arigato, if you don't like it you can eat it raw, ha ha.

Mean Mr. Higgins sleeps in the hay,
He rants all day, writing more capers,
Types in a tent by the sea,
Ranting 'bout the economy,
Especially about AIG
Such a boring old man.

His constant spam fills up the slots;
He'd punch a cow just to upset 'er
Takes him out to look at the prez,
Heckles everything that he says,
Talking heads are flapping like PEZ
Such a boring old man.
Boring old man.

Well you should see Messed-up Malcolm
He's not good looking, thinks he's some Sherlock Holmes.
You should have seen him this way
Back in Guantanamo Bay,
Yes, you should see Messed-up Malcolm
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Get a dose of his talk radio quilts
He's writing filler and he posts without guilt
He looks up to the cocks
Who write the News down at Fox
About as fair and balanced as Pisa's tilt
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(John) He's postin' on the site.
(Paul) Oh, look out!

They came in through the Submit button
Protected by a right-wing mod,
But now he sucks and we all wonder
Will the banks be profiting soon?
Didn't anybody ban him?
Didn't anybody barf?
Limbaugh has been eating sundaes;
Coulter's on the phone with him.

He said he'd always made parodies
He writes like fifteen ones a day
And though I thought Abu Ghraib's bodies
Just might sway his misguided ways

And so I then found Dolly Parton
And told Malcolm he'd lost his job.
Though Malcolm asked in desperation,
She would not grant him a handjob.

Didn't anybody smell him?
Didn't anybody see?
Sundaes made of OxyContin; ***
Rush is on to coke, then speed. Oh, yeah.
*** I read a comic making fun of the Rush/OxyContin thing a while ago. It influenced me to make such a joke here. I'm major OCD when it comes to citing sources.

Your Vote & Comment Counts

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Matches Pace of
Original Song: 
How Funny: 
Overall Score: 

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Voting Results

Pacing: 3.0
How Funny: 3.1
Overall Rating: 3.1

Total Votes: 19

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   9
 2   0
 3   1
 4   0
 5   9

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

Silver Power - April 16, 2009 - Report this comment
DKTOS, but 5's. Unfortunately, this great parody may be considered by the mods an attack parody, therefore it may get removed. But I love it either way.
Claude Prez - April 16, 2009 - Report this comment
Oh, the irony. Yes, this will probably get removed, just like Malcolm's parody about William Tong was removed, years ago. See, Tong wrote anti-Bush parodies. Lots and lots of them. Until we got another prez, and now I guess Malcolm has his target, which has given him the inspiration to keep up with the upstart John Barry, who I guess had passed everybody (I don't pay much attention to the quantity monkeys). Anyway, hope you read this before it's gone; your song was pretty good. Oh, and the "right-wing mod" line couldn't be more wrong. But you'll probably find out all this stuff and more if you stick around. Cheers!
Lush Rimjob - April 16, 2009 - Report this comment
what those guys said
Tim Hall - April 16, 2009 - Report this comment
John Lennon would put the subject of this parody in the class of Sir Walter Raleigh - he is such a stupid git!
Michael Pacholek - April 16, 2009 - Report this comment
The sad part is, he really was funny, but that was a long time ago, and I don't think that time is going to return. But if he kind of political stances he likes also don't return for a long time, I can live with it -- as, apparently, can you!
malcolm higgins - April 16, 2009 - Report this comment
I don't care if it's an attack parody or not. If I have a say to the mods, LEAVE THIS HERE.The attack style of name calling and minimizing the real "nazis" is appalling, but left wing styled. I defend your right to say what you wan about me, as the left decries my ability to do the same of their messiah. Funny isn't it? the tolerant left can't handle the truth, while the 'NEOCON RIGHT" loves the rights of others to express their opinions without name calling like children. Michael, obviously I have roused your left defence . Ok. GET OVER IT. Obama will come and go, then the next one,if he comes up with the things I disagree with, will get both barrels too. C'est La Vie. I won't vote as the subject of it, but I think it's unfunny, but well paced so I would have gone 2-5 and then overall 3.5 Like some of mine, you have alot better in you.. Well done Devils in game 1 btw. Cheers
Silver Power - April 16, 2009 - Report this comment
It's not even the political stances that you take. It's what you'll do to stay on top of the list, even if that involves writing multiple parodies per day about the same topic, using, basically, the same jokes. I do like Obama, but that's not why I don't like you. If you would stop dwelling on the topic of Obama in your parodies, perhaps there wouldn't be as many uno-bombers. Think of a different, more clever subject. For a Canadian, you seem to dwell on the American Government a lot. Think of other ideas, and people wouldn't have any reason to give you 1s. If your parodies were clever like they used to be, people wouldn't mind how many parodies you post. But with each day comes another Obama basher from our self-proclaimed 'deity', Malcolm Higgins. Malcolm, I want to like you, but you don't make it easy.
white trash - April 17, 2009 - Report this comment
i will battle you severide
rob - April 17, 2009 - Report this comment
higgings gets picked on in a parody cause he's conservative? IGNORE HIS STUFF. unless you and he are friends, it is out of place. this higgings whom i dont know personally, is bigger and stronger in his heart and convictions and self esteem than what anyones negative comments can affect. freedom means we ALL CAN SAY WHAT WE WANT about bush or obama. wanna stop freedom or be more mature and just not read his stuff instead?
Severide - April 17, 2009 - Report this comment
To White Trash: Bring it on. I'd love to! It would allow me to write more stuff.
bor - April 17, 2009 - Report this comment
to rob: ignoring his stuff is a nice suggestion, but I DON'T think that's gonna make it go away or stop future rubbish from showing up. Also, it is one thing to say what you want, but it is another to OFFEND others with what you say. And that's what he's been doing. I enjoyed this parody, and I give it perfect score.
Melanie Lee - April 20, 2009 - Report this comment
Welcome to the boards! You have a lot of funny lines here. One tip: watch how you match the syllables to the melody line; some of your parody lyrics accent the wrong syllables. 5-5-5!
SuckyG - April 22, 2009 - Report this comment
The continued existence of this unfunny rule-breaking "parody" is just more proof that ChuckyG is a liar and coward who doesn't follow his own rules.
Red Ant - April 22, 2009 - Report this comment
Hey Sucky, reporting parodies through the proper channels might get you more results than anonymously libeling the site owner through an anonymous proxy (how is the weather in Jordan, anyway?). If you make a formal request, I will get to it. Processing time takes 6-8 weeks. International orders may take longer...

Malcolm, if you're okay with this parody remaining, then I'm not removing it.

Severide: If you should happen to pick another writer not so understanding as Malcolm, well, like Claude wrote, you'll find out all that and more.
malcolm higgins - April 22, 2009 - Report this comment
I am always ok with any any submission, Red. Even an attack is ok by me. I have thick skin. I DEFEND the right to others to write what they feel. I do. I don't attack, but write freely. I have no problem with people writing these. This is the freedom I demand, and respect. I appreciate the thought of having input. If it gives the site grief, you remove it for your reasons. Thanks for the consideration. Malcolm

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