Please allow me to introduce myself, I'm a man of no damn taste
I've been around for some few years, approached many a girl in disgrace
I was around when Daria first tread these hallowed Lawndale halls
It was the day that Andrea first kicked me right in my balls

Pleased to meet you, Upchuck is my name
And licentiousness is the nature of my game

Went up to Jennifer, the burnout girl, I asked her if she'd like to neck
She turned around and elbowed me, put my libido right in check
I put my moves on the Fashion Club, they turned, walked away
"What a pathetic loser geek." I heard president Sandi say

Pleased to meet you, Upchuck is my name
Guess I kinda suck at this silly playboy game

I tried to seduce Brittany, but Kevin put a stop to that
I tried my best line on Jodie, her rejection left me flat
And as for Jane and Daria, they tolerate me at best
At least with them my balls are safe, so that's a good sign, I guess

Pleased to meet you, Upchuck is my name
I may suck at this, but I'll never quit this game