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Song Parodies -> "Doctor's Little Helper"

Original Song Title:

"Mother's Little Helper"

Original Performer:

Rolling Stones

Parody Song Title:

"Doctor's Little Helper"

Parody Written by:


The Lyrics

This one is about doctors using their patients for, uh, testing. Example: Dr. writes prescription, speaking of the drug in question - an antibiotic - as "It kills everything." Little do you realize just how true his speech will prove to be, as you're allergic to what he's dumped on you - and the stuff costs like the devil to boot. But that's YOUR problem, not his, even as the doctors get *bought* (by the drug companies) and the patients get *sold*.
What a drag it is when you're sold.(1)

"When you're sick it never pays,"
So every man seems to say,
And there's pills to make your illness run and hide,
While you're indeed very ill,
Doctor's got this newest pill...

He reaches for the shelter, where the reps stand helter-skelter, (2)
And he finds something that pays, so he sends you on your way.

The snoops of the DEA,
Watch *everyone* today, (3)
No matter if you are choking back a scream,
So he says 'this will help' and it makes you shoot yourself.

He runs for Big Pharma's shelter, where the law gives him a helper,
And he finds an out today, so they let him get away.

Oh what sleeze, Big Pharma sees,
Behind every door, there's suckers more,
What a drag it is when you're sold.

"Patients are not the same today,"
I hear every doctor say,
They won't just eat what is given and then die,
It's not easy to pitch the lies, and you have to advertize.

So go running for the shelter, of the doctor's greatest helper,
Some morphine for a smile, then a dose of Valium in a while.

Oh what ease, These samples please,
Inside the door, just eat some more,(4)
What a drag it is getting sold.

"Practice is just too hard these days,"
So most every doctor says,
Treating hundreds of patients is such a chore,
Toss your shingle in the fire, become Big Pharma's scripted liar,

Now you dwell forever after, in the realms of evil laughter,
Kill sick people every day, all that matters is your pay.
Notes1) sold, as in 'you were sold a bill of goods. 2) drug company representatives. 3) Google "Aftosa" & "William S. Burroughs." It's lucrative to be an 'agent'. "And maybe, the Aftosa will break out in South America. 4) I'm not sure how many doctors 'eat their mail' (i.e. check out the effects of the drugs they receive as samples *personally*, but I suspect some do. And now, a message from our sponsor: "Junk is the ideal product . . . the ultimate merchandise. No sales talk necessary. The client will crawl through a sewer and beg to buy... and if you really want to make a killing, you gotta *patent* your brand of JUNK so no one else can make it - and then advertize it heavily, so you get everyone under the sun hooked on *your* particular brand of JUNK and you're the only game in town. So when you say, 'no got. Come back Friday' - they're sick, and they got to pay *your* price for that latest SSRI or Neuroleptic when you decide to dump some more on the market after artificially drying up the supply. Nice, eh?"

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Tommy Turtle - May 09, 2009 - Report this comment
Aaah, a fellow footnoter!

How did this get missed? Outstanding send-up of the drug lobby -- I mean, industry, and the pharma-doctor bribery complex. 555 mg.

dennis, in mentioning Valium™, were you being deliberately ironic, in that the OS was about precisely that drug, or did you not know this? ... and similar sentiments to yours were expressed in this writer's lament of the over-prescribing of ADD medications:
dennis - November 03, 2009 - Report this comment
Oh, I knew about the original song - and I'm all too familiar with everything the song is talking about - as too much of it either happened to me personally, I read about it, or have heard about it happening (including drs trashed on Morphine. This told me by an older man who saw the Md. in question years before my time - as in the guy's name had to be Benway, or something.

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