The clumsy redhead Archie Andrews
He's Riverdale's master of mirth
Consider all heaven will break loose
Ol' Reggie, the salt of the earth

Say a prayer for the Forsythe P. Jones
And Dilton, Riverdale's greatest nerd
Say a prayer for your darn older sister
I hope Moose won't punch you out of the earth

Because of Archie's clumsiness
You were quite a nice guy to Mr. Lodge
Fall in love with Ronnie
In case Moose has got Midge

Don't have to wear a magnificent cape
Just pull off your uncounted slurs
So outsmart the mirth of the nation
Don't have to eat some double sugar first

Share your thoughts with impoverished boys
Some of them bullied Archie at times
You didn't have your own comic-book series
That will help you boost up in your prime

But if your best friend is Moose Mason
You should be careful of what you're doing
Trying to swoon with Midge
Until Big Moose appears

The red-haired feckled Archie Andrews
He was Riverdale's greatest mirth
Consider all heaven will break loose
Ol' Reg, the salt of the earth

Lay off miss Elizabeth Cooper
Ol' Reg, the salt of the earth
Still living somewhere around Riverdale
The town of the stumbling mirth