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Song Parodies -> "King Alfred's Mark"

Original Song Title:

"MacArthur Park"

Original Performer:

Richard Harris

Parody Song Title:

"King Alfred's Mark"

Parody Written by:

Andy Primus

The Lyrics

Guthrum, the leader of the Vikings, had conquered most of the Midlands and the North by 878 AD. He then attacked the Kingdom of Wessex in the South. King Alfred of Wessex retreated and went into hiding in the marshlands of Somerset. A popular legend tells how, when he first arrived there, he was given shelter by a woman who left him watching some cakes that she was baking. Preoccupied with his problems, he accidentally let the cakes burn. He eventually developed a plan of attack and, with the men of Somerset, Wiltshire and Hampshire, defeated the Vikings at the Battle of Edington. Guthrum then submitted to him, leaving Alfred to rule the South and the West Midlands while Guthrum ruled the East Midlands and the North. Guthrum’s kingdom was known as the Danelaw.

Parody told from the viewpoint of the cake baker’s husband

Guthrum’s ever acting like a churl
He’ll see King Alfred dead…if he’s given half a chance

To win the land of Wessex is the quest
Got balls, big, like a lion…duck for cover when he rants

The battle shark is thinking it’s a lark
It’s a reet mean Viking bearing down
Guthrum wants the crown so he can reign
He hoped Alfie would forsake it
Now it looks like he will take it
As they beat the Saxon infantry again, oh noooooo

An’ the King’s a fellow in a mess
Things are lookin’ grave…knockin’ sound around the knees

The hordes of vulgar Vikings want the lands
With their axes, they’re all wreckers…from the seas

And Alfred’s mood is getting rather dark
As he sits here with his pensive frown
Alfred wrecks a cake, an’ that’s a pain…
For my wife who had to make it
An’ she ain’t about to take it
She rips into him an’ has t’ bake again, oh noooooo


Alfred has no planned attack I see…so we will wing it
We all want a kingdom that is free…so we will bring it
I will kill the swine; kick up a storm
I’ll fight ‘em to the death and, also, will my son
An’ knowin’ all the moods of my wife
Knowin’ all the moods of my wife, she'll join in for fun

I will take a life with my bare hands, and I will cruise it
I will go full-mental on those guys, and I will lose it
I will fight for things that I desire
Like our freedom; now my daughters say goodbye
I’ll do it for the loves of my life
Oh, do it for the loves of my life
They all kiss me adieu…an’ hope I don’t die


(Musical interlude while the battle rages)


For Alfred’s mark it’s looking rather stark
All the sanguine fluid flowing down
Some have lost a chunk out of their brain
I don't think that they can take it
Coz there’s no way they can fake it
An’ they'll never see their families again, ho hoooooo, ho hoooooo

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Voting Results

Pacing: 5.0
How Funny: 5.0
Overall Rating: 5.0

Total Votes: 5

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   0
 2   0
 3   0
 4   0
 5   5

User Comments

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Timmy - January 15, 2015 - Report this comment
Nice story and maybe even more understandable than the OS and follows the OS well. Let them eat burnt cake.
Patrick - January 15, 2015 - Report this comment
An exciting slice of English history, well-told. No half-baked effort here. This is how history should be taught.
Leough - January 15, 2015 - Report this comment
Possibly the most entertaining recounting of history you've done yet! Clever how you connected the cake incident to the OS.
Jonathan - January 15, 2015 - Report this comment
was this difficult to write Andy? or would you say it was a Piece Of Cake? 5's
Meriadoc - January 17, 2015 - Report this comment
Holy Macaroons Andy! This was fabulous. I adore historical parodies and this OS is such a delight to mess about with. Loved how the wife is going to join in the battle.
Andy Primus - January 18, 2015 - Report this comment
Thanks all for the votes & comments

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