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Song Parodies -> "Why Can't Musicians Get Their Parodies To Pace? ("My Fair Fiddlegirl")"

Original Song Title:

"Why Can't The English?"

Original Performer:

My Fair Lady: Lerner / Loewe

Parody Song Title:

"Why Can't Musicians Get Their Parodies To Pace? ("My Fair Fiddlegirl")"

Parody Written by:

Fiddlegirl and Tommy Turtle

The Lyrics

by Fiddlegirl and Tommy Turtle


Fiddlegirl and Tommy Turtle Productions is proud to present their parody of the entire musical, "My Fair Lady", based upon George Bernard Shaw's "Pygmalion", with book and lyrics by Alan Jay Lerner and music by Frederick Loewe. The film version differs slightly from the record-setting Broadway production (longest run of any musical in Broadway history, at the time), as does "West Side Story". (Why???) The movie version is used throughout, as it's a lot easier to get a DVD of a movie than of a play. :)


Professor Tommy Turtle, the world's most famous grammarian, parodist, and general authority on everything, finds one day a new writer at AmIRight, a professional musician named Eliza DoFiddle. Ms. Fiddle displays considerable raw talent for parody, but despite, or perhaps because of, her musical background and inherent ability to interpret and adapt, he finds her parodies, though funny, to be crude, unpolished, and generally lacking in technique. Her pacing and scansion are especially weak. He expresses his frustration as he votes and comments, and she replies.

Look at her: professional musician!
Condemned: wrong, many syllables' position
By rights, Sir ChuckyG should have her banned
For it's so da*nmed ab-surd!-Her many songs, mis-scanned


Oh, how immature
This is what Miss Fiddle’s generation
Got from Lib'ral Arts-ish education

Oh, great… I have to listen to this ramble?

You do!
Look at my lines—pacing square
Not yours—beats are everywhere
Lengthen, shorten, any way you like...
Did they ... teach you *that* at school?

And if they did, you bossy mule?

We’ll have none of that, Miss Sassy Tyke!

Dear, your timing is the worst
Hear the pacing of the verse?
Musicians ought to find subs just like “that”!
Know exactly what will “pass”
But not this one

FG: (under breath)

I ask you, ma’am, what sort of word is *that*?

That attitude will never master pace
No more wretched insults, “in your face”!

Why can't musicians get their parodies to pace?
The turtle finds it easy: "First Time I Wore Your Lace"
If you wrote much sloppier
You’d never score past a “two”
There’s *no* parodist pace-poor as you

I beg your pardon!

A parodist’s feel for pacing absolutely classifies him
If rhythm should balk, it makes all other parodists despise him
On common page, the two of us must try to get
Oh, why can't musicians
Set a good example, to paro-dists, noobish, all grateful: what ear hears
Some folks, quite unstylish, find count in arrears
There even are places where "meter" completely disappears
Why, in America, they'll never learn it for years! [1]

Look at the practice from the music she has played
Exper'ienced meter reader; 'haps better: "meter maid"
Melod-ic'lly, rhythm flows from lyrical meter’s stress

The pace won't change from the words, actually, if singers would pronounce them properly

A radiance, lovely, radiates from her: parodies, enlight'ning
But meter is bass-ackwards;
It could use a little tight'ning
Want proper pacing? You're regarded as a geek
Why can't musicians --
Why can’t musicians --
Learn ..... technique?

Despite their mutual disgust, the Professor reluctantly agrees to take Ms. DoFiddle under his flipper, and to mentor her in the ways of parody. They spend hour upon hour going over various aspects of technique. A curious phenomenon emerges: Their mutual hostility continues, but at the same time, there is a meeting of the minds, nay, a melding of the minds, occurring; subtly, but at times reaching almost ESP-like levels.

In Scene 2, Ms. DoFiddle, the Professor, and all AmIRighters voice their thoughts on how things are going.

[1] Couldn't resist the switch in meaning from "meter" as the structure of verse ("pacing", if you will) to a shot at the US's abominable failure to adopt fully the metric system, despite being supposedly the most technologically-advanced country on the planet. The only others who haven't adopted it: Burma and Liberia. Yeah, we're in great company there. (TT is ashamed of his fat, lazy, dumb countrymen.) Skip the following history and status should you like:

The use of the metric system was made legal as a system of measurement in the U.S. in 1866, and the United States was a founding member of the International Bureau of Weights and Measures in 1875. The system was officially adopted by the federal government in 1975 for use in the military and government agencies. In 1985, the metric system was made the preferred (but predominantly voluntary) system of weights and measures for United States trade and commerce.. It has remained voluntary for federal and state road signage to use metric units, despite attempts in the 1990s to make it a requirement. A 1992 amendment to the Fair Packaging and Labeling Act (FPLA), which took effect in 1994, required labels on federally regulated "consumer commodities" to include both metric and U.S. customary units. An amendment that would allow (but not require) metric-only labels is currently under consideration, and all but two US states (New York and Alabama) have passed laws permitting metric-only labels for the products they regulate.

Despite all of that, what you actually "see" (other than on your 750ml or 1.75 liter bottle of whiskey -- and who reads that -- or can, for that matter?) is still Imperial units (feet, miles, ounces, pounds, etc.), except in the scientific and tech communities, and on the tools of the mechanic who fixes your Toyota™ or BMW™.

The conversion has been described as "the now-stalled process... This process has been unsteady, with no end in sight. ...While the rest of the world has generally converted, the U.S. has, because of its size, been able to carry on with customary units, and there has been little political will to continue conversion." Send your Congressperson a 20-kilobyte e-mail, or snail-mail it: It's only 44 cents (44 hundredths of a dollar, or centidollars) for the first 28 grams.

"Today, the American public and much of the private business and industry still use U.S. customary units despite many years of informal or optional metrication. At least two states, Kentucky and California, have even moved towards demetrication of highway construction projects." Sigh -- moving backwards, as usual.

© 2009 Fiddlegirl and Tommy Turtle. All rights reserved. E-mail:

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Matches Pace of
Original Song: 
How Funny: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 5.0
How Funny: 5.0
Overall Rating: 5.0

Total Votes: 10

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   0
 2   0
 3   0
 4   0
 5   10

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

Christie Marie M - September 30, 2009 - Report this comment
(Applauds happily) Bravo! Bravo! Quite a good show, Fiddlegirl and Tommy Turtle! Love the "back-asswards" line! I actually dreamt that I saw your act on stage last night, but this one takes the cake! Slow and steady wins the pace! 555 stars for this one! Oh, I'm going on to read your next one!
TJC - September 30, 2009 - Report this comment
Fantastic start ewe two to what looks to be an overture-worthy *tremendous* labor of love--or perhaps, more accurately, 'mutual respect n' affection'! Setting the stage nicely here with TrickilyTorqued n' FinelyGarnished though immediately familiar 'characters', their dramatic tensions and penchants beginning to build... wonderfully paced (now wouldn't that be ironic were it not!) and overall great outta da gate!
(BTW: *So* very relieved its not "My Mare Sadie", "Lie Bare Baby" or "Fly Hair Scabies" you've devoted the past month of your lives to!)
AFW - September 30, 2009 - Report this comment
Quite an undertaking, you two, have laid out for yourselves...and you're off to a flying start... You'll have to change your names to Fiddlegirl Lowe, and Alan Jay Turtle...
Timmy1000 - September 30, 2009 - Report this comment
Off to a great start - If you are doing this whole play, that is a lot of work. Bravo for the undertaking. Bravo to FG for her acting in this scene she ceratinly had to be acting to play a character who couldn't rhyme or pace well before the Professor took her on. I guess that is why they call it acting.
Andy Primus - September 30, 2009 - Report this comment
Great job the pair of you.
FG - I'm surprised you're not shell shocked by his abusive bombardment.
TT - you ought to be careful in case FG decides to get even. She might attach electrodes to your carapace and then you'll be shell shocked as well.
Professor Tommy Turtle - September 30, 2009 - Report this comment
Was waiting for FG to comment ... being a gentleman, TT was taught that ladies always come first. .. but it's getting late. (Knowing our ESP, she's probably posting as I type this.)

Christie Marie M: I'm in your dreams? Wow! Thanks, CMM!

TJC: So nice when the drama critics give a favorable review and such thorough analysis -- and sooo glad ya liked the direction -- I share your opinion of those other concepts! :)

AFW: Quite the compliment! ... but L/L wrote it, we're just satirizing ... 'course, they just snagged GB Shaw in the first place... thanks!

Timmy1000: Never look a good v/c in the mouth... but actually, I think they call this "writing". If I remember from my days as a professional actor, I think "acting" is when you actually get up on stage or on camera and say and do it. But who's arguing?! Thanks for v/c!

Andy Primus: Pardon me, but did you not notice FG's name among the authors?

Surely you're just kidding, but in the unlikely event you're not... please be assured that each party wrote lines critical of themselves (see comment to T1K above) and both were "playing parts" ... and if you stick with us, I think you might guess oh, so wrong at who wrote which lines and songs ... and be shocked ... but I promised I'd never tell heh heh :) In any event, every word of every line of every song was approved by *both* before it became the official version. Thanks for v/c!
Fiddlegirl - September 30, 2009 - Report this comment
CMM: As always, thanks for the enthusiastic v/c! As per our "dream" act... please just tell me *I* was the one holding the whip... ;)

TJC: TT *wanted* to do those other ones, but I suggested we try and have a little more class... ;) (hehehe)

AFW: Thanks! Hope you have as much fun reading it as we did writing it. [We *did* have fun, didn't we, TT? I think we did...]

T1K: What a nice compliment-- Thank you! :)

Andy P: Ha! It actually gets worse before it gets better... ;)
Andy Primus - September 30, 2009 - Report this comment
TT - I did notice. First line of my comment is directed at both of you, second one at FG, and third one at you. And of course I'm just kidding - you don't think that I think you really are a turtle do you?
TT - October 01, 2009 - Report this comment
@ FG @ CMM: Whip? I thought you told me you weren't into that stuff?! Yeah baby!

Andy Primus: Being somewhat dense at times, I'm sometimes not sure when people are kidding, as I've been wrong in the past. Was afraid you thought I was truly abusing FG, but now I remember our discussion of fiction, sheep-boffing, and all those weird things people would think *you* do if they didn't realize your parodies were fiction.

Of course, the whole play/parody is every bit as much a fiction as the sheep-boffing ... and while FG says it gets worse, she *will* get her revenge -- amply! ... trust me! :D ... sorry for misunderstanding -- my bad, and an inherent fault -- and thanks for *funny* v/c!
Old Man Ribber - October 01, 2009 - Report this comment
Well done, but I am a slow "Lerner" with "Loewe" standards. It may be too early, but I'd like to buy the screenh rights. ;D
metaphorsbwithu - October 01, 2009 - Report this comment
Terrific start. Not a good time to indulge myself in all this fun properly at this time, but I will return to it as soon as I can. It looks to be a most delicious treat.
Tommy Turtle - October 02, 2009 - Report this comment
Old Man Ribber: LOL! ... and of course, we're entertaining offers, as well as readers. Your bid, Sir? :-D ... thanks for v/c!

metaphorsbwithu: I know all too well how that pesky Real World can get in the way of life, but the cool thing about this site is that the songs will always be here. (Hint: Bookmark :-)

Thanks for stopping by and v/c. Feel free to drop in any time at your own schedule. Episodes will all be numbered, and all will have links to previous. (Or you *could* just go to our author page.) Look forward to whenever, and hope things ease up for you.
alvin - October 02, 2009 - Report this comment
i was away on a short vacation...catching up on this from the start...i can tell right away this is gonna be great
TT - October 02, 2009 - Report this comment
alvin: your absence was noticed, as always, and you're always missed. Hope this was the boatload of bunnies that ya mentioned in our last chat! .. really glad you stopped by here, and hope we live up to yeur expectations. Thanks for v/c!

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