Song Parodies -> If I Were A Dickhead

Original Song Title:	"If I Were A Rich Man"
Original Performer:	Fiddler On The Roof Cast/Soundtrack

Parody Song Title:	"If I Were A Dickhead"
Parody Written by:	Johnny D

If I were a dickhead
Wait a minute, wait a minute, I think I already am!
All day long I'd sit upon my bum
Writing songs -- but wait -- I AM

I ---
--- would be such a nerd-ball
Wait a minute, wait a minute, I think I already am!
If I were a geeky-cheeky-freak
Chubby-four-eyed-forty-something-man

I'd
Put
A ---
--- big High De-fi-ni-tion T-V set
Right in the middle of my room
A fine flat screen with Trans-Reflective Display

There would be
One million
Three hundred
Four thousand
Chan-nels for me to sit and see
With only Star Trek reruns on all day

I'd
Fill
My ---
--- mind with lots of useless Klingon
Vo-ca-bu-lar-y to speak and hear
Grunting just as noisily as I can

And each loud
HIS-laH!
Qa-pla'!
HI-ghoS!
And
Qay'be'!
Would land like a phaser on the ear,
As if to say, "Here lives a Star Trek fan!"

Yeesh!

If I were a dickhead
Wait a minute, wait a minute, I think I already am!
All day long I'd sit upon my bum
Eating Snickers Bars and SPAM

I ---
--- would be such a nerd-ball
Wait a minute, wait a minute, I think I already am!
If I were a geeky-cheeky-freak
Chubby-four-eyed-forty-something-man

I'd
See
My ---
--- wife, my lady, dressing like Sev-en of Nine,
In a silvery Danskin™
Dominating me to her Borg's delight

I see her putting on airs and strutting like a Vulcan
As-similating me again
Re-sistance is fu-tile, I don't fight...

The most important nerds in town will come to fawn on me ---
They will ask me to advise them,
Like a Pokemon the Wise ---

"If you please, share trivia?" ---
"Teach us please, share trivia?" ---

Posing questions that would make Space Hippies sing ---

(singing) "Headin' out to Eden, yay, brother..."

And it won't make one bit of difference
If I answer right or wrong ---
They all think a dickhead really knows...

As a dick-head, I'd have the time that I lack
To read MARVEL comics every day
And maybe have complete sets of Spider-Man

And I'd discuss the comic books with the lonely men
Dun-geons 'n Dragons we'd play
That would be the geekest thing of all...

Yeesh!

If I were a dickhead
Wait a minute, wait a minute, I think I already am!
All day long I'd sit upon my bum
Writing songs -- but wait -- I AM

I ---
--- would be such a nerd-ball
Wait a minute, wait a minute, I think I already am!

God of Monty Python and the SPAM

You gave me the ego of a ham

Would some Cosmic Bullshit hit the fan...?

If I weren't
the
DORK
I
AM
?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

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User Comments Follow...

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Kristof Robertson - July 30, 2004 - Report this comment

555 for the funniest dickhead at Amiright!

Leo Jay - July 30, 2004 - Report this comment

That. Is. Great. "Share Trivia" for "Reb Tevye" is a classic substitution. And the ending is great.

Johnny D - July 30, 2004 - Report this comment

Kristof, my friend, I resemble that remark, and that's OK with me! Thank you! ;-D

Johnny D - July 30, 2004 - Report this comment

Thanks, Leo Jay.

Phil Alexander - July 30, 2004 - Report this comment

:-) I thought you were talking about me, till I got to the four-eyed forty-something bit...

John Barry - July 30, 2004 - Report this comment

Brilliant, JD.

alvin rhodes - July 30, 2004 - Report this comment

HAHAHA...zero mostel spins in his grave.....5s

Arwen - July 30, 2004 - Report this comment

Pretty funny stuff, Mr. D!

Rick D - July 30, 2004 - Report this comment

Now you and are tied for votes 15! I'm much more glad the comment are still there, that's a real source of humor

Ravyn Rant - July 30, 2004 - Report this comment

Three fives from another chubby four-eyed 40-something Trekkie! This is the hardest I've laughed all week, and I watched four nights of Donkey Con coverage on C-Span!

Adagio - July 30, 2004 - Report this comment

I'm fond of this song...it's the first one I ever parodied here or anywhere. Is this you? I won't say what I was going to say. lol 5's

Rod W - July 30, 2004 - Report this comment

"snickers and SPAM" !! Too many good lines, J D, super funny as usual!

Dee Range - July 30, 2004 - Report this comment

Don't you dare sit on your ass all day watching Star Trek. We wouldn't have this kind of brilliance to enjoy every day. 555

555 - July 30, 2004 - Report this comment

It's George Bush's theme song!...dickhead describes him perfectly!

EmiLoca - July 30, 2004 - Report this comment

This gave me many snickers, Mr. D. 5's from me!

Johnny D - July 30, 2004 - Report this comment

Thank you, everybody! ;-)

Phil: How about AFTER that?

JB: Thanks!

alvin: I hope he's laughing it up in The Big Green Room In The Sky!

Arwen: That was my cunning plan all along, heh heh heh!

Rick D: Ahhh, Grasshopper....When you have found the source of all humor, it will be time for you to GUFFAW.

Ravyn: Wow! I'm funnier than the Democrats? Who woulda thunk it!

Adagio: Parts of it are me, yes.....OK, now you can PM-me what you were going to say..... ;-)

Rod W: Thanks, Super Rod!

Dee Range: OK, I'll get off my ass long enough to sit down and write some more!

555: Monica, I didn't know you were bi-partisan!

EmiLoca: Happy Halloween! I mean, when else can you get that many snickers for free?

Johnny D - July 30, 2004 - Report this comment

Continuing on with Fiddler On The Roof.....

I just submitted a parody of Fiddler On The Roof's song " Tradition ".

This new parody is in deleted-memory of
The Great Amiright Vote Deletion of July 28, 2004 ...

... and its title is ... " Deletion ".

Guy - July 30, 2004 - Report this comment

JD - Another masterpiece. Brilliant. Maybe you could do one about Hillary and call it "I'm Such A B*tch, Man".

Johnny D - July 30, 2004 - Report this comment

Thanks, Guy! ;-D

Adagio - July 30, 2004 - Report this comment

Hehe, Guy!

Adagio - July 30, 2004 - Report this comment

Johnny..you said 'Adagio: Parts of it are me, yes.....OK, now you can PM-me what you were going to say..... ;-) ?'

I say "suffah" ;)

Johnny D - July 30, 2004 - Report this comment

Adagio, I kid you not: I'm not getting the joke...honestly.

Michael Pacholek - July 30, 2004 - Report this comment

"If I Were a Dickhead"... are all Johnny D's songs, directly or otherwise, about the male sex organ? Nah, that's just a fallacy. Are they all great? Pretty much.

Cookie-man - July 30, 2004 - Report this comment

Dick head? Well if so you are the coolest Dick head on the site! :) EXCELLENT! 555

Craptactular1324 - July 30, 2004 - Report this comment

I didn't like it so much I would describe it as lame or super lame but whatever.

Johnny D - July 31, 2004 - Report this comment

Michael Pacholek: Well, not ALL of them perhaps....but thanks very much!

Cookie-man: Hey, if ya gotta be a Dick-head, ya might as well be a cool Dick-head, ya know? Thanks! ;-D

Craptactular1324: That's OK if you personally didn't like it, that's cool ..... but what's really funny about your comment is when you say "...I would describe it as lame or super lame...", because that's the intended effect ----- so, thanks very much!

Spaff.com - July 31, 2004 - Report this comment

Heh heh. The � after Danskin is a nice touch. I think I'll start calling you "Johnny Dickhead."

Jack Wilson - December 16, 2004 - Report this comment

I mustve missedt hiso ne I love it! LOL!

Adagio - December 16, 2004 - Report this comment

Thanks for finding this one, Jack! I got to enjoy it all over again!

Johnny D - December 18, 2004 - Report this comment

Thanks Jack, and (again) Adagio!

Tim Mayfield - October 18, 2005 - Report this comment

Johnny, just saw this one. It's great.

Agrimorfee - October 18, 2005 - Report this comment

Tim, thanks for digging this one out! Johnny, you had praise for this ages ago, but I must heap more! I loved how you turned the Russian/Yiddish gibberish into Klingon and such...you must have used the Topol movie version, which I am most familiar with. Mazel tov, mazel tov! (BTW, what does the Klingon translate into?)

Johnny D - October 18, 2005 - Report this comment

Thank you very much, Tim & Agrimorfee!

HIS-laH ! = YES,TRUE! (in answer to a yes/no question)

Qa-pla' ! = SUCCESS!

HI-ghoS ! = PROCEED TOWARD ME! (or COME HERE!)

Qay'be' ! = NO PROBLEM!

Jay-dE' --- neRd'oS ! = JOHNNY D --- GET A LIFE!

Phil Alexander - October 18, 2005 - Report this comment

Thanks for highlighting this one again, Tim - JD it's a bloody masterpiece.

Johnny D - October 21, 2005 - Report this comment

Thanks for re-visiting, Philbo!

Agrimorfee - October 12, 2006 - Report this comment

(ABC3) The hidden Klingon message adds plus points to my already rave review. This might be the gold...but I have many more to read...

Red Ant - October 13, 2006 - Report this comment

(ABC3I) Wow, this is shaping up to be a monster round so far. You should be careful writing things like "Sev-en of Nine....Dominating me to her Borg's delight"; where's then Kleenex when you need it? 555

Matthias - October 18, 2006 - Report this comment

NAH! HA! HA! HA!!! Good parody here Johnny Dickhead

tomario - October 18, 2006 - Report this comment

abc dickheads run the country "its a life jim but not as we know it" beam up three 5s

Jack Wilson - October 18, 2006 - Report this comment

(ABC3) See above ( I hadn o idea I already voted/coemmneted on this!) Ok well 555 again!

Michael McVey - October 19, 2006 - Report this comment

C'mon, give Star Trek a break! You know you want it.......... 5's anyway, because this is a riot!--MM

Rick C - October 23, 2006 - Report this comment

(ABC06-I) Ah, another Small affair I missed. Excellent, JD! 555

Stuart McArthur - October 23, 2006 - Report this comment

(ABC3-I) again this parody pre-dates me, but more importantly it pre-dates all the nerd parodies (inc Weird Al's) out at the moment, so you are ahead of your time, JD, and brilliantly so - a funny self-deprecating and original tone right throughout this one - bravo - 555

Cat - October 24, 2006 - Report this comment

(SOTM) By far the best self-deprecating parody I've ever seen. And as Stu said, you did the whole Klingon thing before Weird Al and took it way farther!

Jeff Reuben - October 24, 2006 - Report this comment

Yes, I was also going to say nice predecessor to White and Nerdy, loved the idea, and the huge tv.

Arwen - October 25, 2006 - Report this comment

ABC...still very funny, Johnny...fun to re-visit!

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Song Parodies -> If I Were A Dickhead

"If I Were A Rich Man"

Fiddler On The Roof Cast/Soundtrack

"If I Were A Dickhead"

Johnny D

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