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Song Parodies -> "M*A*S*H Major, M*A*S*H Major"

Original Song Title:

"Matchmaker, Matchmaker"

Original Performer:

Fiddler On The Roof

Parody Song Title:

"M*A*S*H Major, M*A*S*H Major"

Parody Written by:

Leo Jay

The Lyrics

In response (finally!) to Johnny D's challenge to write a parody concerning government-paid cosmetic surgery for enlisted persons. This parody imagines M*A*S*H nurse 'Hotlips' Hoolihan taking Uncle Sam up on his offer and singing to her M*A*S*H surgeon as she's about to go under the knife...
M*A*S*H Major, M*A*S*H Major, make me a 'catch',
Build up my bombs, tighten my hatch
M*A*S*H Major, M*A*S*H Major, blow me to bits
And re-build me all from scratch

M*A*S*H Major, M*A*S*H Major, listen to me:
I want to be all I can be!
Nip me and tuck me quite lib-er-al-ly
'Cause I get it done for free!

For Hawkeye... build my bazookas...
For Frank... widen my secret hatch...
For me... well... I'd like to see my lame 'Privates' promoted to...
'Major Snatch'!

M*A*S*H Major, M*A*S*H Major, make me a 'catch'
Fill my canteens (make sure they match!)
So I can give every wounded G.I.
One last sip before they die...

M*A*S*H Major, M*A*S*H Major, Korea's hell
Least you can do: make me look swell
I have enlisted at great sacrifice,
So please lipo-suck my thighs!

The men... will... sign up for duty
To get... into my 'pair o' chutes'
And when... they... plunder my booty
They'll give me their special 'no-hands salutes'

M*A*S*H Major, M*A*S*H Major, tuck in my tum
Trim down my thighs, firm up my bum
Whittle my waist down and shore up my guns....

But don't touch the lips!
These lips are HOT!
If you screw up... they're all I've got!
They just need a per...fect
Musical theatre purists (i.e., Johnny D), you'll forgive me for deleting that spoken-sung middle section. It's ok -- I can take a '3-5-5' like a man... ;-)

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Original Song: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.9
How Funny: 4.8
Overall Rating: 4.8

Total Votes: 11

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   0
 2   0
 3   0
 4   1
 5   10

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

Arwen - August 03, 2004 - Report this comment
I think it's FABulous, Leo!! Very funny! 5s...
Ashkicksass - August 03, 2004 - Report this comment
Honey, it's wonderful! Bravo!
Johnny D - August 03, 2004 - Report this comment
Yes, but can you take this 5-5-5 like a woman?
John Barry - August 03, 2004 - Report this comment
A military-metaphor bonanza. sMASHing!
Leon James - August 03, 2004 - Report this comment
Arwen: Thanks! "FABulous?" Are you trying to guess one of my alternate personalities?

Ashkicksass: Sugar, you're sweet. Thanks.

Johnny: has that 5-5-5 been requisitioned by Maj. Snatch, or should that get tucked away back in the secret hatch?
Leola Jaymes - August 03, 2004 - Report this comment
Uh... thanks, John... but... aren't you confusing this with that other show with Little Joe, Hoss and the ranch? I know all that TVLand stuff can run together, but... try not to get too confused, ok?
Ravyn Rant - August 03, 2004 - Report this comment
Can I give you an extra five for using the term "plunder my booty" in a parody that isn't even pirate-related?
Lee O. Jay - August 03, 2004 - Report this comment
Hey, it's the coolest mom a horny teenaged girl could have! Thanks for stopping by! Glad you liked it. I felt it was my duty to stick in some booty...
Captain Hindgrinder, on board "The Snarling Sphincter" - August 03, 2004 - Report this comment
Arrrrh! If ye plunder me cabin boy's booty, I'll have ye keel-hauled an' feel-mauled, arrrrh!
Captain Hooker - August 03, 2004 - Report this comment
Mr. Spafford?
Captain Jean-Luc Picard - August 03, 2004 - Report this comment
Mr. Data, what's urinalysis?
Ravyn Rant - August 03, 2004 - Report this comment
Aw, shucks, Leo...I can't wait to tell my Spawn about the "coolest mom" comment. It should get a major eye-roll, at least! And how booty-ful that you're so dutiful!
Know 1 can hear you dream - August 03, 2004 - Report this comment
Private Jay! Report for booty-duty at 05:55. (This somehow reminded me of the definitely sickest idea I´ve never turned into a parody: Dead Klinger for love to Meatloaf´s Dead ringer for love, that so bad that probably not even this comment will get by Data´s sensors). :-)
plain ol' Leo Jay - August 03, 2004 - Report this comment
Jean-Luc Peek-hard: funny!

Ravyn Rant: you rock like a beat-up Pinto with two horn-dogs in the backse--... oh, used that one already...

Know 1: Sick rules, fool! (sorry, channelled Mr. T there for a second...) Hey, I'm a casual acquaintance of both the actress who played 'Tzeitzel' in the 'Fiddler on the Roof' film AND the lead guitarist for MeatLoaf *cue Twilight Zone music...*
Chris Bodily TM - August 05, 2004 - Report this comment
I thought this parody was hilarious! Just the title alone makes it a good read. Thank you also for inspiring me to do an upcoming "Matchmaker" parody. I give yours 5's.

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