You walk into the room
With some lentils and some ham
You don't know what she's bakin'
But she says, “Who gives a damn”
You fry some lard
And you both butter yams
Just what you’ll make
Is still unknown

Because someone is crackin' a beer
And you both know suds will fizz
New brew gits her stoned

Your faces turn red
And you gasp, “This milk's wearin' thin”
An ungodly voice intrudes and says
“It’s skim”
And you say, “What swine?”
An ungodly elf says, “There's mutton”
And you say, “Oh, I'm bombed
And my beer's full of foam”

Because someone is laughin' and jeers
And you both hold mugs of gin
Too stewed, blitzed or stoned

You're handed some pickles
And you go wash the leeks
You obediently chop up some roots
Then she shears two sheep
And says, “How come the veal
You cleaned up is streaked?”
And you say, “It's optional”
As she hands you a scone

Because someone is whacky and weird
And you both go up to whiz
Too boozed, ripped or stoned

You have many flapjacks
Upon the oven racks
To chew as snacks
If somethin' distracts your intoxication
But your honey has many regrets
Anyway she already suspects you
Would just make a wreck
Of flax, delectable carrots and organic raisins

Your gins get some refreshers
And they’re all iced and shook
Like great voyeurs you have
Displayed lecherous looks
Your beef's juice almost
Gets hot, it barely cooks
A very dull red
The smell's grown

Because someone is slappin' your rear
And you don’t go shut the fridge
Too looped, pissed or stoned

Well, the gourd's hollowed out, the pumpkin is, too
And then she reels
She tosses some kelp
And then she mixes dry eels
And without furtive motives
She asks you, "How's the meal?"
And you say, “Where is your coat rack?
I'm going home”

Because crumpets are tacky, you fear
And the goat shows tufts of friz
Too juiced, stiff or stoned

Now you see her drunk thighs fidget
Pouting, absurd vows
And you say, “You're just teasin'”
And she says, “Ow”
And you say, “Where's the whipped cream?”
And she steams back, “We’re just plowed"
Pret-ti-est milf
You've ever known

Because someone is crackin' a beer
And you both hope suds will fizz
New mood grips your stones

Well, you walk into her room
Light a Camel, then put it out
You soon surmise she's not rockin'
And your hope turns to doubt
Her naughty glee is gone
You sense you're doin’ without
Your moods degrade
To shared drear' tones

Because nothing is happening here
And you both know why that is
Food feud gits her zoned