I am Rob and she's my wife and he's our kid and we all live together
See how I trip every gosh darn time on that ottoman, go flyin'

Buddy hates Mel Cooley, calls him baldy, fatso too
Buddy's a co-worker, Mel is our producer, man, you oughtta see them fighting just like cats and dogs
Buddy tells bald jokes, Mel hates the bald jokes, and he hates Buddy, so what to do

Mr Alan Brady is the egocentric star of his own show
See how he screams 'cause they changed around the scenes, he didn't know
Mel's cryin', he's cryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyin'
Mel's cryin', he's cryyyyyyyyin'

Mr Jerry Helper, joker of the neighborhood
Laura, she likes Millie, but I don't like Jerry, 'cause he says my show is rotten nearly all the time
I'd like to choke him, but he's my neighbor, I tolerate him, what else to do

Waiting with Miss Sally Rogers for her prince to come
And if her prince don't come, she'll get a date with Herman Glimsher, mama's boy
Sally is single, wants to get married, but not to Herman, hey man, would you, now just tell the truth

My wife Laura Petrie used to be a dancer with the USO (U-U-U-S-S-S-O-O-O)
See how she sobs as she cries out, oh Rob, see how she sighs, she's cryin'

Richie Rosebud Petrie, what a thing to name our kid
Richie didn't like it, we explained it to him, that in fact he really had seven middle names
Robert and Oscar, Samuel and Edward, Benjamin, David
Ulyses too, so now tootle loo
Goodbye to you, and ciao, sayanora, too