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Song Parodies -> "Damn Hem'rhoids, My Bum's Inflamed"

Original Song Title:

"Molasses To Rum To Slaves"

Parody Song Title:

"Damn Hem'rhoids, My Bum's Inflamed"

Parody Written by:

The Comedian

The Lyrics

Tonight (Saturday May 8) is closing night for The Concord Players production of the musical "1776", in which I play Dr. Lyman Hall, delegate from Georgia. I've been working on parodies for the show's songs (of course!), and I'd like to share with you one of my "1776" parodies: "Damn Hem'rhoids, My Bum's Inflamed", (a parody of "Molasses To Rum To Slaves") in which Edward Rutledge, pro-slavery delegate from South Carolina, bemoans his hemorrhoidal affliction in Congress. Here is a link to the original lyrics of "Molasses To Rum To Slaves": .....
(The parody's basic theme is that John Adams is a Patriotic Exhibitionist who never wears anything below the waist, and who is therefore trying to get Congress to approve a Declaration of Public Nudity)

(Rutledge: )


Ah've been sittin' here so long, listen'n to Mistah Adams talk on an' on an' on, that ah fear ah might need the medical services of mah esteemed colleague from Georgia ...... thanks to Mistah Adams' long-windedness an' incessant rantin' about his desire to expose his most "independent" manly attributes, ah am now sufferin' from an affliction located in the VERY deep "South", if you catch mah meanin'.......


Damn hem'rhoids - my bum's - inflamed!
I should soak in epsom salts
Can't wear my truss
Pants hurt me, too
Those damn hem'rhoids - my bum's - inflamed!

Can't ride my horse
Back to Charleston
I'm far too stoned on laud'num
Passage I'll poach
On some well-cushioned coach
Hail Charleston, Ned Rutledge has come -
Full of hem'rhoids . . . and rum!

Then it's puke up the rum and the laud'num
Soak in them salts, dunk-dunk!
And hail and farewell to the smell
Of these breeches so gross!

Damn hem'rhoids - my bum's - inflamed!
'Tisn't moral, nor funny, this pain
As soon as, I've the chance,
I'll strip off these woolen pants!
Those damn hem'rhoids - my bum's - inflamed!

Who says my hips
Are-n't skinny?
Ladle me five more laud'nums!
This pain in my ass
Feels like sharp broken glass
I'll take a, big rum just the same,
In tea cups, or ladles,
It's rum that I now crave!


Gentlemen! You mustn't think our Northern proctologists merely see mah hem'rhoids as disfigurements on mah posterior! Oh, no, sir! They see them as figures on their ledgers! Notice the doctors at the clinics, gentlemen--white-coated doctors on the ass-repair wharves: "Put this in his hips...Cram this in his hips...STUFF this in his hips!" Hurry, gentlemen, let the examination begin!


Eee-YOW, mah hem'rhoids!

Gentlemen, y'hear?
That's the cry of the patient's tears!

Eee-YOW, mah hem'rhoids!

Inflamed, gentlemen!
Black sores!
Bleedin' sores!
Sores from

Black sores with scales
They haunt me!
Evil! Evil! Evil! Evil!

Notice the doctors in the crowd, gentlemen--New England doctors, ass-bleedin' doctors--doctors from--

Bos-ton, Bos-ton, Bos-ton!
Black sores with scales!
Handle them!
Fondle them!
But don't finger them!
They're MINE! They're MINE!

Eee-YOW, mah hem'rhoids!

(Bartlett: )

For the love of God, Mr. Rutledge, please!

(Rutledge: )

Damn hem'rhoids - my bum's - inflamed!

Who'll pay the bills of my doctor?
Pay him with gold, or he'll scream!
His fortune is made
In the ass-repair trade!
Proctology - the New England dream!

Mistah Adams, ah give you a toast!
Hail your butt!
Hail my butt!
Who bleedeth
The MOST ?!
"1776" by The Concord Players . . .

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Original Song: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 3.3
How Funny: 3.7
Overall Rating: 3.3

Total Votes: 3

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   1
 2   0
 3   0
 4   1
 5   1

User Comments

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Adagio - May 09, 2004 - Report this comment
DKTOS...funny read! :D
Jack Wilson - May 09, 2004 - Report this comment
Great job! 555!
Johnny D - May 09, 2004 - Report this comment
Thanks, Adagio and Jack!
Stray Pooch - May 09, 2004 - Report this comment
What is that I smell, floating down from the North? Could it be the aroma of hypocrisy? Oh, no, that;s just Preparation H! Writing this one must have been a real pain in the . . . well, nevermind. Congratulations on finishing the run, Johnny. I hope you intend to keep that rejuvenated acting bug alive!!! 555 as usual. Incidentally, this song is my very favorite one from that musical. It is amazingly dark, dramatic and - considering the subject matter - impressively expressive of the Southern viewpoint and a very strong indictment of Northern culpability in the slave trade (and I say it as a Yankee). Great job as always, Johnny!
John Jenkins - May 10, 2004 - Report this comment
The original song is sung powerfully in the musical and it is very amusing to envision the character singing passionately about the subject matter of the parody.
Johnny D - May 10, 2004 - Report this comment
Thank you both, Stray Pooch and John Jenkins!
Leo Jay - May 13, 2004 - Report this comment
I'd love to see John Cullum do this. I'm sure he'd do it hilarious-LEE.
Johnny D - May 13, 2004 - Report this comment
LOL! Thanks, Leo Jay!

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