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Song Parodies -> "Elven Archer (from 'LOTR: OMG!')"

Original Song Title:


Original Performer:

Olly Murs and Flo Rida

Parody Song Title:

"Elven Archer (from 'LOTR: OMG!')"

Parody Written by:

Wendy Christopher

The Lyrics

After a couple of relatively po-faced parodies over the last couple of days, it's nice to get back to a fun one again. And this one was fun to write. And if you thought Taylor Swift playing Gollum was weird, this version relies on Gimli being played by rapper Flo Rida!

And here's a link to the original song. Not sure how well-known it is outside the UK - maybe not at all. Kind of catchy though - even if musically it sounds like some weird smoosh of Maroon 5's 'This Love' and Britney Spear's 'You Drive Me Crazy.'
It’s an elven archer…
He’s an elven archer….

What a girly-looking elven archer though!
My daddy looked ashamed after Gollum went to ground
Sent me to Rivendell to explain we let ’em down
They said “Who is that dude with the pretty yellow hair?”
And so I had to tell ‘em “Stop right there..!

Woah oh-ohh…
I’m an elven archer Legolas is my name
(Woah oh-ohh…)
A prince from Mirkwood that is my claim to fame
And you’re gonna go…

“How can he shoot so good and run so fast? (Woah oh-oh-oh-ohhh!)
He’s kinda fey but he is having a blast!
And if some monsters ever hold us back (Oh no-oh-oh-ohhh!)
This Fellowship would need his ‘dart’ attack –
Elven archer!”

Snowed on that mountain pass although I was doing fine
The rest got cold and wet so instead they chose the mine
Pippin was noisy so escaping was our goal
But who’s that comin’ at us? It’s a troll!

Oh oh-ohh…
Stupid stupid cave troll he won’t try that again
(No oh-ohh…)
Thanks to those arrows that I stuck in his brain
He’s a goner now…

Hell I’m just so damn good I’m almost bad (Woah oh-oh-oh-ohhh!)
I’ll fight all day and still look totally rad
I just lost count of all the trolls I’ve whacked (Doh-oh-oh-oh-ohh!)
I am the greatest that’s a hardened fact!
Elven archer!
The rest are pretty cool but I kick ass (Woah oh-oh-oh-ohhh!)
Though I let Gandalf say “Hey you shall not pass” (Gonna block, yeah!)
I really wish I could’ve pulled him back (Woah oh-oh-oh-ohhh!)
His death nearly gave me a heart attack
Total shocker…

Elf, you’re so damn vain
What else goes on in your blonde-haired brain?
Think of somethin’ else fo’ change
Though you fight good close up and long range
I can’t help but think you’re strange
But you felt my pain I just remembered
When I found my kin dismembered
I think I cried and lost my temper, yeah!
Girly-man you're the queen of drama
Hair up in a pony don’t even wear armour
But then… elven… archer… you’re damn fly
And though I wanna punch you… I can’t and don’t even know why!

Hey Gimli it’s all good now don’t feel bad (Woah oh-oh-oh-ohh- ohhh!)
Think you might be the best friend I’ve ever had (you’re a keeper!)
This is such fun we’ve got each other’s backs (Woah oh-oh-oh-ohhh!)
My bow and me, you and your dwarven axe!
Little tinker!
Sorry I didn’t mean to call you that (GIMLI: That was a totally low blow!)(Woah oh-oh-oh-ohhh!)
I touched a nerve like when I said you were fat (What a clanger!)
My father’s son so it’s a proven fact (Woah oh-oh-oh-ohhh!)
Renowned for bravery but not for tact!
Elven archer!

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Voting Results

Pacing: 5.0
How Funny: 5.0
Overall Rating: 5.0

Total Votes: 5

Voting Breakdown

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 5   5

User Comments

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Old Man Ribber - January 16, 2013 - Report this comment
Wendy - Most unlikely friends...most clever parody. This held me in "rapped" attention. ;D
Rob Arndt - January 16, 2013 - Report this comment
WTG Wndy-555!!!
Lifeliver - January 16, 2013 - Report this comment
Delightful, Wendy. The song's a perfect fit. It looks like you had fun writing this. I certainly did. 'Girly-man' was a bit rough though - Orlando has a lot of female fans who would disagree. A matter of taste I suppose. As a hetero male I'm not in a position to judge, except that he'd be reassured to know he doesn't turn me on - CLAIR Bloom on the other hand (in her prime of course). No relation, afaik.

You set me off yesterday with soprano wizards and I imagined 'LOTR The Opera' - Sarah Brightman as Gandalf, of course; Hayley Westenra as Saruman. The Celtic Woman cast as Nazgul. Christopher Lee could be asked to do a cameo as Galadriel, and I'd have Tom Waits as Legolas, Kate Bush as the voice of Sauron and some boy soprano as Gimli. Johnny Cash, were he still with us, could be good for Arwen. Need I go on?
Wendy Christopher - January 17, 2013 - Report this comment
Thanks for all the lovely comments everyone - much appreciated. :^)

@Lifeliver: I'm going to make a terrible confession now... when the Peter Jackson films were first released, I actually - tthoughtOrlandoBloomwasquitefit *buries face in hands in shame!* Oh God, did I really just say that out loud? But then I watched him in Pirates of the Caribbean. And Troy. And - oh the pain! - even a bit of Kingdom of Heaven. And with each successive film, the dreadful truth became more and more apparent. Beyond those chiselled good looks, there really wasn't a lot else to him. The final nail in the coffin came when I read an interview where he said that, as a romantic strategy, he would write poetry for his ideal woman and sing it to her. My toes curled so far inwards I temporarily dropped a couple of shoe sizes - if anyone with even the vaguest reputation as a singer and/or musician had said that I could've dealt with it, but the idea of Mr. Orlando Ever-So-Nice-But-Rather-Bland Bloom trying to do it... !

I'm liking that idea with the opera version of LOTR! Not to mention the inspired casting - Kate Bush as Sauron... "One Ring.. it's meee, I'm Sau-ronnn, oh come home now.... woh-hooooohhhh...!" ;^)
Lifeliver - January 17, 2013 - Report this comment
If only we could get them all in their prime at the same time, of course: Olivia Newton-John as Gollum (or perhaps the mouth of Sauron), Cliff Richards as the Angmar Witch King. I like David Bowie for Gimli, Stephen Fry as Frodo, Rik Mayall as Boromir. Oh stop it! I'm stumped for Elrond and Eowyn: Keith Richard and Mick Jagger respectively (as they are now, of course)?. I can see Lee Marvin as her too 'I am no man ...' Thanks for sharing the embarrassment of your true confessions. I'm sure Orlando will improve with age, like fine wine, On the other hand, he may age like fine beer ... Legolas was a pretty cool character, all the same.

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