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Song Parodies -> "H-45"

Original Song Title:

"Ewes Entrance: "Baaaaaaaaaaaa!""

Original Performer:

John A. Barry

Parody Song Title:


Parody Written by:

Robert D. Arndt Jr.

The Lyrics

Although the Bismarck and Tirpitz were the largest German battleships of WW2 , there were plans to build bigger and more formidable types of the H-Class from H-39 to H-44 which would dwarf every battleship on earth. But although those types would have been a severe burden on the German shipyards, Hitler wanted to know if the 800mm Dora gun could be used as main armament of the greatest battleship ever to be conceived- the unofficial H-45. This beast would be invincible on the water at 700,000 tons!!! It would be armed with 8x 800mm main guns in 4 turrets, 2 forward, two aft, backed up by 12x 240mm guns, and almost 100 AA guns of calibers 128mm (in Zwillings- pairs), 55mm, and 30mm as defense. It's internal large hangar would house a dozen seaplanes + a dozen helicopters. It would be constructed with multiple armored decks to defeat any projectile from penetrating and have an armored torpedo belt of 55 ft thick AND a triple armored bottom to defeat all mines! This ship would be be powered by huge turbines and cruise at 36 kph to 50,000 km. It theoretically would have decimated the British Lion Class battleships and the US Montana Class battleships and everything else it met in deep water. It's only weaknesses were littoral waters and confined waters (too large and heavy). The H-45 was the naval version of giant gun tech. The other use of the 800mm gun for a giant tank project. In the air the highest caliber tested on the ground was the 355mm Gerat 104 designed for the Do-217!
A ship not dreamt by the Kriegsmarine. . .
At 700,000 tons- obscene,
thought up, termed— “Der Fuhrer” naval war machine
Largest battleship world would have ever seen!!!

(To astound!)

[Nazi crowds]

Now 8 “Dora Guns” would be a shock
in turrets numbering four
Sheer size, 31.5” large!
Salvo could win a duel!!!

For shipyards. . .a nightmare for wicked wish;
Armored multiple decks would be bold,
with torp belt thickest at 55 (feet)!
And the triple bottom from all mines would survive

Most formidable: Nazi smarts—
naval lust: for deep waters
Most formidable: Nazi smarts
On the seas would rule

Most formidable: Nazi smarts;
Turbines hot: immense hp
Good for 50,000 km;
at 36 (kph) this beast would cruise!

Guns firing: as a platform would she sway?
Twelve 240s (mm) and hundreds triple A; blackened skies and shells tracked on their way
Feel her fury; enemies torn apart
quite nice. 5 tons shells tear decks apart
into mag‘s heart!

[Lion and Montana Classes to be sunk]

(Smart fools, lost cause)

H-Class was dreaming, (of) awe
The Fuhrer‘s dreams were often hard,
impossible for the yards. . .
The surface fleet was doomed

So, just a plan,
Large weapon, fanciful design with no prac application
Designed for pride:
Fantasy in ‘45!

(Another war loss diversion [Geheim!], a waste of time)

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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.0
How Funny: 4.0
Overall Rating: 4.0

Total Votes: 4

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User Comments

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Patrick - November 13, 2013 - Report this comment
Where would the Germans have built or docked such a ship? Johnny Horton would have written a ballad and Robert Ballard would be mounting an expedition to find it. The Fuhrer never lacked for imagination.
Rob Arndt - November 13, 2013 - Report this comment
Such a project could only have been built pre-war and would have been an incredible undertaking. Krupp would have had a hard time making the 8 guns while the shipyard (Blohm und Voss) would have had to use modular assembly of the hull, then the armored decks stacked and then the deck, superstructures, main and secondary turrets, and then add all the AAA and radar equipment. It would have been colossal and there would be no single battleship nor group of ships able to penetrate the armor, the belt, nor the bottom. Aircraft carriers (plural) would have had to send waves of aircraft to drop bombs on it and yet the fire from the 100 guns of Der Fuhrer would have blackened out the sky AND the ship could launch at least 12 Ar-196 seaplanes to counter plus 12 attack helos of Fl-282C with armored cockpit, stubby wing gunpods firing 4800 rpm, or firing 55mm R4M rockets! Even if a huge bomb like the Tallboy or Grandslam hit it (hypothetical b/c the target would be moving unlike a fixed ground target) the decks below the main deck were also heavily armored and layered. One single salvo from one turret of 800mm guns firing two 5 ton projectiles would be enough to sink any major warship and Der Fuhrer would have had 8 of those guns PLUS another 12x 240mm guns as secondary. How would any enemy vessel or aircraft sink a 700,000 ton Megawarship??? Docking and replenishing this behemoth would have been troublesome too!!! The largest vessel ever built was the Supertanker Knock Nelvis at 650,000 tons! Der Fuhrer would have been larger and heavier. Note that the simple version had no torpedo tubes but a second version added twin 533mm forward torpedo tubes as well!!!

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