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Song Parodies -> "Huge Tank: Tsar"

Original Song Title:

"Seamen: Tars"

Original Performer:

John A. Barry

Parody Song Title:

"Huge Tank: Tsar"

Parody Written by:

Robert D. Arndt Jr.

The Lyrics

In 1915 the Russians decided to build a prototype of a huge wheeled tank based on earlier concepts from the 19th century. But instead of building a huge monolithic block tank, they built a tank based on a huge armored cart with twin 27' wheels up front and 2-3 rear wheels of 5' in the back like a giant tricycle! The top of the tank would house 10 crew members in the turret and body of the beast. It would have 12 water-cooled MGs located in two turrets up and under and two sponsors (one on each side) for full coverage. But the tank was underpowered by 2x 250 hp Maybach Sunbeams and was thinly armored and vunerable due to lack of visibility at that height against hidden infantry and artillery below well-camouflaged. It was slow and ackward and could be rammed, its high COG forcing it to tip over. As it was the Tsar Tank got stuck in the mud and was immobilized, making it a sitting duck for heavy howitzers. It was cancelled in 1916 as unpractical and difficult to manufacture. It's name of Netopyr (pipistrella) is from the genus of a bat which came about when the inventors carried the model size by its rear wheels giving the impression of a sleeping bat! What a crazy idea. This is still the biggest tank in terms of height while the German Maus is heaviest at 188-203 tons!!! Germans made a ball tank too in WW2 but shipped it to Japan- the Kugelpanzer made by Krupp. That sits in a museum while the Tsar Tank was scrapped in 1923.
Tank: weird; giant tricycle complete
on land the wheels are 27 feet!
Gets rolling: stalling—60 ton thing, 1916
Rear wheels are 5 feet- twins, powered by Sunbeams

Creaking sounds

Netopyr (pipistrella)- Tsar
Crew of 10, gun places- 4
Two turrets, two sponsors, wide arcs:
top, bottom, both sides shoot

High post, up top, armor isn‘t that thick…
crew is crammed, and ammo’s hard to load
It‘s a non-starter: up high it is blind;
but also theoretically tank can climb!!!

Prototype fizzles, huge tank: Tsar
bad tank: is underpowered
Prototype fizzles, huge tank: Tsar . .
Yes, it’s vulnerable too

Prototype fizzles, huge tank: Tsar
bad tank: goals not acquired
Chalk it up to a huge failure
The Reds had odd tank views:

Towering block tanks from earlier days:
concepts of the 19th century, which go back a long way
Thoughts of sheer size, the terror to impart
with multiple monster guns at its heart

Then gun wheeled carts!

The origin of the Tsar,
an armored giant wheeled cart
Able to travel quite far
didn‘t pass the test: doomed

It could be rammed!
Tipped-over, then BLAM!

The project was dropped. With Army it failed to score
Appearance like. . .

… armored twin Ferris Wheel ride
(Circus tank that brought no pride)

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Voting Results

Pacing: 3.9
How Funny: 3.9
Overall Rating: 3.9

Total Votes: 7

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User Comments

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John Barry - November 06, 2013 - Report this comment
Rob Arndt - November 06, 2013 - Report this comment
... and upwards, numerically ;-)

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