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Song Parodies -> "Kojak Fellow (Lollipops)"

Original Song Title:

"Bodak Yellow"

Original Performer:

Cardi B

Parody Song Title:

"Kojak Fellow (Lollipops)"

Parody Written by:

Dylan Baranski

The Lyrics

In honor of Telly Savalas' birthday, I decided to do a parody I meant to do a year ago, but never got around to until now. It may seem odd to you to see me do a parody of a more recent track considering all the old-school parodies I've got in my repertoire, but it's my belief that parodies can almost always elevate a crappy OS to legendary status. Enjoy the parody, and if you'll excuse me, I gotta flush my ears out with Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five...
DOB!
It’s Dylan, eh?
Kojak’s the man, they can’t fire him if they wanted to,
He don’t gotta smoke.

Kojak’s got plans, they can’t fire him if they wanted to,
Those are cheap, man, those are hard candies, those are Tootsie Pops,
Hit the streets, he can get ‘em all at the mom-and-pops,
And he’s sharp, flips the rulebook off of his desk top, (look)
He don’t smoke now, he sucks lollipops (ay, ay), (1)
Say, he don’t gotta smoke, he sucks lollipops,
If he sees you and yells “stop”, that means you put your hands up,
He’s the boss, you’re a criminal, he’s a super cop.

Now he says some guy did what to who? He’ll find out and see.
Theo K, you know what he’s in: the NYPD.
You in the club just to party, he’s there, bad guys try to flee.
He be in and out that house so much, Cap McNeil’s(2) got no glee.
Kojak says, “Don’t give a crap ‘bout who ain’t fond of me,
Dropped five seasons in five years(3), what cop works as hard as me?”
Kojak’s got that old-school cool, don’t let his cool go out to sea.
Crooks see Kojak, they say “fool!” Man, he’s who they’re tryin’ to be.
Look, he might just bust someone’s face, he might just bust some rotten pimp.
He might just call out the fakes, those villains stay out too late.
They wanna murder and rape, he’s like “no way!”
This fellow gets all the facts, he’s got no time to relax.
And his old whip, it’s got plenty of go; it’s got the trunk in the back.
He’s the meanest on the street, bad guys admittin’ defeat.
Kojak’s always packin’ heat, and crooks know he don’t come cheap.
And he’s always cleanin’ up, and he always knows what’s up,
Thinks those crooks be mad at him, ‘cause they know their time is up.

Kojak’s got plans, they can’t fire him if they wanted to,
Those are cheap, man, those are hard candies, those are Tootsie Pops,
Hit the streets, he can get ‘em all at the mom-and-pops,
And he’s sharp, flips the rulebook off of his desk top, (look)
He don’t smoke now, he sucks lollipops (ay, ay),
Say, he don’t gotta smoke, he sucks lollipops,
If he sees you and yells “stop”, that means you put your hands up,
He’s the boss, you’re a criminal, he’s a super cop.

If you’re a bad guy, you get popped, eye for an eye, he said “stop!”
Don’t you come around his way if you cleaned somebody’s clock!
And he just checked his precinct, turns out, it’s clean, it’s clean, it’s clean.
And when this cat comes on the scene, I bet you seen, he seen, she seen.
Crocker(4), he got his orders to go, Kojak got in and he drove.
He is decisive and bold; criminals lost like Bob Dole.
He don’t need no Bentleys or Rolls; Century’s(5) fillin’ that role.
Won’t find him drivin’ a tank, no, won’t find him crackin’ a safe.
He needs to let all those crooks know that none of their homeboys are safe.
He’s got a mind that is great; only Joe Friday(6) relates.
He covers Manhattan(7) first-rate; crooks he will terminate.
He’s got his charms, lucky to this date.
Had to let the bad guys know that they’re goin’ to the can.
He just ran and checked the mail: another check from Abby Mann.(8)

Kojak’s got plans, they can’t fire him if they wanted to,
Those are cheap, man, those are hard candies, those are Tootsie Pops,
Hit the streets, he can get ‘em all at the mom-and-pops,
And he’s sharp, flips the rulebook off of his desk top, (look)
He don’t smoke now, he sucks lollipops (ay, ay),
Say, he don’t gotta smoke, he sucks lollipops,
If he sees you and yells “stop”, that means you put your hands up,
He’s the boss, you’re a criminal, he’s a super cop.
NOTES:

(1)-Kojak is best known for sucking on lollipops, although in the show, he would alternate between that and smoking.
(2)-Captain Frank McNeil - played by the late Dan Frazer - was Kojak's commanding officer.
(3)-"Kojak" aired from 1973-1978, with additional TV movies in the 80s.
(4)-Detective Bobby Crocker - played by Kevin Dobson - was Kojak's partner.
(5)-Kojak's car was a brown 1973 Buick Century.
(6)-Sergeant Joe Friday, the main character from "Dragnet", played by the late Jack Webb, but you already knew this.
(7)-Kojak's beat was the 11th Precinct.
(8)-Abby Mann was a writer and producer who created "Kojak".

Copyright 2020 by Dylan Baranski GmbH S.p.A. Inc. Misuse is punishable by smoke getting in your eyes.

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