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Song Parodies -> "Not To Go Slow"

Original Song Title:

"How Far I'll Go"

Original Performer:

Auli'i Cravalho

Parody Song Title:

"Not To Go Slow"

Parody Written by:


The Lyrics

I’ve been raging, S.O.B.s in hot water
Lag time not getting better, never really knowing why
With the IPhone for my daughter
All the data running slower, it just makes her wanna cry

Every pic she’d take, each e-mail she’d track
Every GIF she’d make, her home screen went black
To the Facebook—no, it just cannot go
She can’t make a Tweet!

There’s a light on the top of the rim—it just blinks
YouTube shows never arose
And the linkups all fail, woe is me, this really stinks
Some day I’ll go
Say hello to new phone, maybe get a Moto!

I know everything in capitalism is made crappy—nihilism!
That’s obsolescent design
I know everybody in this land hates Steve Jobs, on top his high land
He sure did bankroll those dimes

We could see in time what had all gone wrong
When a load up of Minecraft would take too long
Or if Spotify couldn’t find our songs
What’s up with the speed?

It ain't right, call the lines, FCC—I’m suing
And goodness knows how deep it goes
Now it’s time for reciprocity, when you bill me
I’ll let you know
If I’ll pay on time, or will take my time

The line that you crossed so wily—it galls me
Your ethics gross—it really blows
When I get a new phone, I might leave Apple behind me
One day you’ll know
Not to go slow!
Copyright 2018, Agrimorfee. (Kicking off our 38th year or so of amusing the few likeminded and puzzling the many unlearned)

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Voting Results

Pacing: 5.0
How Funny: 5.0
Overall Rating: 5.0

Total Votes: 4

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   0
 2   0
 3   0
 4   0
 5   4

User Comments

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Matthias - January 05, 2018 - Report this comment
You DID make this about phones like you mentioned in the messageboards but not about phone calls as I would expect with the "calls me" lines in the original BUT about slow WiFi speed! Pretty clever and fun stuff but taking pot shots at the dead is kinda rude (Steve Jobs) but I don't really care about rudeness.
Peter Andersson - January 05, 2018 - Report this comment
I was going with the "calls to me" theme too, kinda, but you made better use of it for sure. Am i right in that Apple's been admitting lately to deliberately slowing down old phones to prolong battery life (official explanation) and/or just in time for new models to be released (inofficial theory)?
Rob Arndt - January 05, 2018 - Report this comment
AG, can you explain the 38 year comment better?
Agrimorfee - January 07, 2018 - Report this comment
@Rob, I have been writing parodies, on and off, since 1980 or thereabouts. Just a rough estimate to mark my first parody of 2018.

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