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Song Parodies -> "The Retired Trencherman (expanded)"

Original Song Title:

"The Mariner's Revenge Song"

 (MP3)
Original Performer:

The Decemberists

Parody Song Title:

"The Retired Trencherman (expanded)"

Parody Written by:

Agrimorfee

The Lyrics

Here is the same parody that was published on 4/13/07, but with the bridge that I omitted restored. (This was the result of a challenge given to me by Cat at the Amiright messageboard...)
22 beef wieners
And 16 hamburgers
And yet my belly was still hale
10 steaks and 12 pounds of beans
5 tubs of salad greens
And never had to foot the bill!

You may not know well of me
Name’s Dave Poughkeepsie
I was the Eating Champion
Now let me tell you
Before you start your stew
A long tale you must truly believe

Was a time that I could visit a restaurant
Eating almost anything that one could want

I was born I know not where--
Yes, it is so unfair,
I was a foundling in the street
Two kind folks took me in
But much to their chagrin
My hunger could not be appeased

As time wore on, I was a pure glutton, made a mess
Making my penchant for food consumption best

My parents got so scared
Me guzzling down 6 beers
And a few tins of baked cherry pies
When I emptied my plate
I said, “More! Goodness sakes!
Please hand me more food or I’ll die!”

Now here was the thing, ‘fore my caretakers died
They said, “You’re top kid, in contests of eating, our pride!

Feed him, please him
Get guacamole and chicken fingers and blintzes
Shove it down your hole, you don’t throw up, tasting
Eating is your calling, that’s it, Dave!”

I was aged 15 years
Parents gone, I was in tears
As I chewed down 12 sides of beef
I wrote in my diary
“Someone should hire me
To clean their pantry, tout en suite!”

But soon enough, I was known as a trencherman
And I never once had in mind a sad meal of PORRIDGE!

My feeding wasn’t deterred
One time I was deferred
From a Chinese cook’ry on the sea
I passed between my lips
All of their fish and chips
And all their wanton soup, you see

The following year I had to hire a new caterer
And here’s the playbill printed up for the theater:

“Feed him, Please him
Give him guacamole and chicken fingers and blintzes
Shove it down his hole, he won’t throw up, tasting
Eating is his calling ‘til his grave!

(Barker at the box office to draw in further crowds:)
"You'll watch him down an Irish stew
And a roast duck with gravy
Now guess how many pounds he'll devour for you
Come now and watch this crazy feat!"

(The theater begins to fill with audience members during the instrumental break)

Now on this fateful night
Everything seemed all right
They paid 20 bucks a seat!
30-pound pig flank with cream
I was licking the platters clean
When came some jumbling of my teeth…

The women shrieked, the men went slack, the children wailed—
Yes, God help me, the teeth in my jaws had finally failed!

Career can’t be revived
I knew I was screwed, no jive!
I now no longer had my teeth!
Oh no, such consequence!
I did not use a dentifrice
No one taught dental hygiene to me!

So let me give some advice before I’m out of here
Please brush and floss or else milkshakes are all you’ll eat, my dear!
(Oh-oh.,,,)

Copyright 2007, Agrimorfee.

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Original Song: 
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Voting Results

 
Pacing: 5.0
How Funny: 5.0
Overall Rating: 5.0

Total Votes: 21

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   0
 0
 0
 
 2   0
 0
 0
 
 3   0
 0
 0
 
 4   1
 0
 0
 
 5   20
 21
 21
 

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

Matthias - April 14, 2007 - Report this comment
Just as good with the 2nd helping
alvin - April 14, 2007 - Report this comment
like san francisco...its better with the bridge
Ann Hammond - April 14, 2007 - Report this comment
Expanded awesome
stuart mcarthur - April 16, 2007 - Report this comment
wow, some effort went into that, Ag - dktos, but certainly good advice at the end there - 555
McKludge - May 10, 2007 - Report this comment
what a very odd OS, but a very good parody. Ya don't hear the accordian much at all anymore.
Max Power - May 11, 2007 - Report this comment
SOTM - Great
McKludge - May 12, 2007 - Report this comment
(SOTM) - see above
Peter Andersson - May 14, 2007 - Report this comment
SOTM - Wow, that dude can eat my entire diet in one sitting! :-P
Johnny D - May 20, 2007 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Tights I'm quite fat in ... 555 ... ;-)
Matthias - May 20, 2007 - Report this comment
I'm hungry for more of this delicious story!!!
bobpiecheese - May 24, 2007 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Update of an oldie, but still quite a goodie.
Michael McVey - May 24, 2007 - Report this comment
Does he know about the Glutton Bowl?
stuart mcarthur - May 25, 2007 - Report this comment
(SOTM) ah, it's always the weakest link in the chain that brings the whole thing unstuck, Ag, and turns out those darn choppers was it! - funny ending - DKTOS unfortunately, because this looks VERY tailor-made, but when I finished reading I felt like I'd just sat through that French culinery classic "La Grande Bouffe" - and too much wanton soup will stop you wantin soup (for my daily gratuitous pun) - huge fun effort - 555
Jason - May 28, 2007 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Excellent!
Below Average Dave - May 30, 2007 - Report this comment
(SOTM) King of the Obscure you are. . .I still disagree with your opinion on Downloads not being technology, but this song was good. Dave Poughkeepsie?
Raphaella So - May 30, 2007 - Report this comment
(SOTM) - lol
Mikey Squirrel - May 30, 2007 - Report this comment
SOTM- Sorry I DKTOS, but this was definetly a tasty treat with a funny ending. Good job, Agri.
Cat - May 30, 2007 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Love it, as always! The bridge does definitely help. Thanks so much for doing this for me, Agri!!
wannabemustangjockey - May 30, 2007 - Report this comment
SOTM - Hey, milkshakes are good too...
Red Ant - May 31, 2007 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Took me a minute to find TOS on that page, but I did. A comment on TOS first: at an 8:44 run time and with the accordion, I wasn't expecting much, but was pleasantly surprised. I really liked it. As for the parody, I loved it (is this epic of the month competition??...); some great subs, but the best IMHO was "wanton soup, you see" for "wanton cruelty". Favorite line: "I wrote in my diary/Someone should hire me/To clean their pantry, tout en suite!”. Nice twist at the end. 555
Kristof Robertson - May 31, 2007 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Boy howdy, Agri! Another epic saga- the quality this month is unbelievably high, but this is definitely on my shortlist. Wunderbah! 555
Jack Wilson - May 31, 2007 - Report this comment
Loved it, this ruled! 555
Ethan Mawyer - May 31, 2007 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Large songs seems to be a theme this month. This, like the others so far, reads well as a poem and sweets are stupid, tooth-wise. I kind of wanted to see a showdown between Dave and Kobayashi but alas it was not to be.
Mike Hector - April 19, 2008 - Report this comment
Very Good job ive once tried to paradoy this song but i couldnt pace it. 5/5/5
Matthias - May 01, 2008 - Report this comment
I loved this OS ever since Cat showed it to you, and you parodied it. This is a classic of yours in my book Aggy, and it's going to get top marks from me for sure.
Max Power - May 04, 2008 - Report this comment
555 pension funds
Invisible Boy - May 12, 2008 - Report this comment
An epic yarn here Agri. I loved the way you matched the tale with an OS that just begged for tale tellin'. This had all the elements I like including a clever conclusion. Great job !!!
bopiecheese - May 13, 2008 - Report this comment
(ABC-R) See above!
stuart mcarthur - May 14, 2008 - Report this comment
(ABC) yes, see my comments above, Ag - "epic" and "inspired lunacy" come to mind on this reread ;-)
Guy - May 14, 2008 - Report this comment
(ABC-R) Yes indeed awesome Agri. Best and er probably the only use I've seen of "Poughkeepsie" in a parody. Rock on!
Red Ant - May 14, 2008 - Report this comment
See above, and kudos for taking on a song with AABCCB rhyme scheme - those seem to be the hardest for me.
Below Average Dave - May 14, 2008 - Report this comment
Woah. . .what a long song, I can't believe you actually took on this song, seesh. My comment before wasn't very revealing, and since reading this I've done a song on Gluttony, so I know it can be hard, you pulled it off well though.
Mikey Squirrel - May 14, 2008 - Report this comment
ABC- What's with these parodies that always makes me hungry?? And such a good lesson of dental hygiene. Very well done, Agri.
Jack Wilson - May 15, 2008 - Report this comment
See above!
Matthias - October 11, 2009 - Report this comment
(See above) Still loving your story telling with this one Agrimorfee, and I love the original song and The Decemberists!
Rex - October 18, 2009 - Report this comment
(Artistry) Good thing AmIRight has you feeding us constant (and sugar free) parodies to keep us sated. Tasty work!
bobpiecheese - October 22, 2009 - Report this comment
(Artistry) See above (again)!
Below Average Dave - October 23, 2009 - Report this comment
See above. . .the second comment more than the first.

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