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Song Parodies -> "Distressed"

Original Song Title:

"Obsessed"

Original Performer:

Mariah Carey

Parody Song Title:

"Distressed"

The Lyrics

And I was like, why are you cops arresting me?

Solo weirdo, oh! Psycho mojo, oh!
(Will the defendant please step to the stand?)
AVO, oh oh! No-go zo-oh-one!
(Damn freak!)
Shadow? 0-0-0! Alone no more, oh!
(Help me!)
Go home pronto, oh! Close those window-ows!
(Don’t peek!)

Security dogs
Rape horn tucked in your bra
Your gate’s wrought iron
Fence with the bars
You’ve got deadbolts in your house
You’re window-tinting your car
You’re carrying mace?
I hate capsicum spray
All up in my face
This hot/cold game
You’re an ice queen
And it just kindles my flame
You’re all that I need
So just get with me
When your man’s chopping wood
I’ll be snowdropping

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Why you so distressed with me?
(Girl, you run too slow!)
Quite frankly perplexing me
(Accept when I propose!)
You fear that it’s your destiny
(No?)
Want to give a pearl necklace to ya, princess
Advances all spurned, you don’t look impressed

You’re so beautiful
In your rouge and all
Love these views from outside
I’m seducing you
You’re refusing, though
When you’re chased late at night

Have you all tied up
In a tarpaulin for hot sex
Fleeing is useless
When date rape drugs you ingest

Oh. Ohhh. Ohhhhh
Oy, how tight can that sweatshirt be?

Solo weirdo, oh! Psycho mojo, oh!
(And all my stalkers say…)
AVO, oh oh! No-go zo-oh-one!
(And all my pervs say…)
Oh, uh uh oh oh, uh uh oh oh
(Resists?)
Oh, uh uh oh oh, uh uh oh oh
(Insist!)
Oh, uh uh oh oh, uh uh oh oh
(Persist!)
Oh, uh uh oh oh, uh uh oh oh
Desist!

Calling the cops?
First date is marred
Did you need to
Hire bodyguards?
Clasping your hair
A scent sensation
Endowed with breasts
It’s infatuation
Tailing you, girl
Why won’t you kiss me?
Won’t you ever learn
Your guy is history
How ‘bout one hand job?
Mutual masturbation?
Won’t you please undress
For hardcore fellation?

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Why do you protest at me?
(Oh girl, I want you so!)
Crying and objecting? Gee
(I sniff your pantyhose!)
Your German Shepherds set on me
(D’oh!)
Fondled golden curls and your skin I caressed
Then ran as you jerked awake and got pissed
Pulchritudinous
Got me scrutinous
Of your glutinous thighs
I’m deluded, oh
When you’re nude on show
From this railing I climbed

Now you’re all wired up
Cops are patrolling for suspects
Seeing right through you
You’re just playing hard to get

Oh. Ohhh. Ohhhhh
Oh, I see, you’re just testing me

Shadow? 0-0-0! Alone no more, oh!
(And all my stalkers say…)
Go home pronto, oh! Close those window-ows!
(And all my pervs say…)
Oh, uh uh oh oh, uh uh oh oh
(Resists?)
Oh, uh uh oh oh, uh uh oh oh
(Insist!)
Oh, uh uh oh oh, uh uh oh oh
(Persist!)
Oh, uh uh oh oh, uh uh oh oh
Desist!

Why you so distressed with me?
(Girl, you run too slow!)
Quite frankly perplexing me
(Accept when I propose!)
You fear that it’s your destiny
(No?)
Want to give a pearl necklace to ya, princess
Advances all spurned, you don’t look impressed

You’re so beautiful
In your rouge and all
Love these views from outside
I’m seducing you
You’re refusing, though
When you’re chased late at night

Have you all tied up
In a tarpaulin for hot sex
Fleeing is useless
When date rape drugs you ingest

(A spiked drink, you like it? I'm really really psycho.)

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Original Song: 
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User Comments

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Tommy Turtle - August 13, 2009 - Report this comment
Jake, it's great to see you back! But this song seems to be from a rapist's point of view, and there's nothing funny about seriously taking anyone against their will, drugging them, etc. (the facetiousness was missing here) Obsession could have been done without sexual battery, esp. with your well-known talents. DKTOS, so no vote, but def. not funny.

For the record, sexual assault is generally a crime of hatred of women, violence, and control, rather than mere lust. Hope to see your incredible talents applied to better uses. ... btw, Red Ant said you were the only one who could sing/record one of my rather complex lyrics... interested?.
Jake A Ralphing (Luke Brattoni) - August 13, 2009 - Report this comment
The facetiousness is in the subversion of the original song, hence the link at the top saying 'Original song here', with a mock heroic approach to how unromantic the romantic gestures are due to the dramatic irony of already knowing the female character's feelings. From the original song. Hence the link at the top saying 'Original song here'. What song did you want recorded? I have spare time.
TT - August 14, 2009 - Report this comment
JAR/LB: Then it's my bad: DKTOS, and don't Care for Carey, so didn't follow the link. A lot of us put links to OS just so peeps who DK can check pacing if they want. Didn't realize that seeing OS would make the satire more apparent -- perhaps for us pea-brains, an intro comment like what you just said above?

I can see female readers, especially, leaving immediately without such an explanation. I remember well your vast talents (and love for "feminine" rhyming ROFLMAO!!!!) ], but judging by the lack of v/c, it looks like most readers' first response was similar to mine. But the newer crowd DK you, so only I responded. Unfortunate.

http://www.amiright.com/parody/misc/gilbertsullivan91.shtml

Red Ant -
This was awesome, TT. I'd love to hear this recorded.. I'm thinking the only person on the site who could pull off this 'operappic' ode is Luke Brattoni. Seriously excellent wordplay. 555+

Let me know -- or just do it, and let's post it here, YouTube, wherever. RA's recommendation is good enough for me. Cheers!

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