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Song Parodies -> "99 Problems (But a Snitch Ain't One)"

Original Song Title:

"99 Problems"

Original Performer:


Parody Song Title:

"99 Problems (But a Snitch Ain't One)"

Parody Written by:


The Lyrics

If you though Jay-Z had a hard-knock life, just wait 'til you hear from Harry-P.
If you havin Quidditch problems, I feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but a Snitch ain’t one.

I got a death patrol try'na eat my soul
Foe that tried to make sure my crib was cold
Ministers that say, “He’s back? Well who knows?”
He killed my friend stupid, should be a case that’s closed.

If you grew up with holes in your cousin’s clothes
You’d celebrate the minute when the magic showed
I’m like, "Try’n catch me, you can kiss my Firebolt"
If you don’t like my tactics, listen, "Crucio!"

Got beef with Slytherin 'cuz I ain’t choose to go
They can hear me hiss, well I’m a lionheart SO!
Rit’ Skeet’ try to break my chainmail
So all her readers’ll see me as a tragic fail… haters!

I won’t end up in A-z jail
Instead, I’ll be upon the throne, the king they hail
I’m the boy who lived, muggles, I ain’t done
I got 99 problems but a Snitch ain’t one.

99 problems but a Snitch ain’t one
If you havin Quidditch problems I feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but a Snitch ain’t one.

The train was steamin up, and my trunk was tossed
Met a fe-male smarty and a ginger lookin lost
I got two homies now, and I’d soon make some more
Some from the Gryffin’ and some others from the ‘Claw.

Now I ain’t tryin hard to exaggerate the case
But I helped a few pupils fight for goodness’ sake
As I stroll silently at night in the hall I heard:

[“Boy, do you know why I loathe you at all?”]
‘Cuz my dad and his friends and I’m Gryffindor?
Do I look like Hermione sir, look some more
Either take off some points or kindly let me go!
[“Well I’m a scheming plotter too, pretty soon you’ll know.”]
Caught some muggles’ attention when we borrowed a fly car

[“Are you usin your wand at home?
Well we don’t care ‘bout the scar!”]
Lonely summer’s the pits, to my safety commit!
[“Well do you mind if we intercept your owl for a bit?”]
Now my love for Hogwarts is low, 'cuz its Head-m is a B
And I do await the safe return of Dumble-the-d

[“We are all under attack!
You sympathizing with mudbloods or something?
We want the purebloods or nothing!”]
Hah, I barely passed my OWLs but I know a little bit
Enough to stop real evil if it should hit.
[“Well, we’ll see how brave you are when Dementors come.”]
I got 99 problems but a Snitch ain’t one.

99 problems but a Snitch ain’t one
If you havin Quidditch problems I feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but a Snitch ain’t one.

Now once upon a time, couple years ago
A wizard like myself was a real playa for Cho
This is not a playa in the sense of playin some Quidditch
But a playa in the magic realm of love, she was MY witch.

I tried to implore her to go to the dance
My wand broke, 'cuz Cedric had taken my chance.
You know the type, bright as a Lumos light
He’s gonna live ‘til ever or the end, RIGHT?

Still single and peakin when I get to seekin and
All the witches gon' be creepin on the weekend.
And there I am: front page of Wiz-Beat again
Fold-outs that sizzle like some raw meat again

Ron’s on the floor, laughin again
And Hermione’s in restricted, crackin them.
Ron will cry, and all his giggles gonna end
When he sees that Ginny’s more than just a friend.

'Til the end, I’ll quell ev’ry evil whim
Beat a couple Bludgers, Quaffle through the rim.
Now I’m whippin out my wand, but it ain’t for fun
I got 99 problems but a Snitch ain’t one.

99 problems but a Snitch ain’t one
If you havin Quidditch problems I feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but a Snitch ain’t one.

You’re crazy for this one, James
It’s ya boy!

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Matches Pace of
Original Song: 
How Funny: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.5
How Funny: 4.6
Overall Rating: 4.8

Total Votes: 13

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   1
 2   0
 3   0
 4   2
 5   10

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

Glen S - May 22, 2012 - Report this comment
I won't pretend I know all the OS lyrics, but I know enough to appreciate the work that went in here. Nice references to most of the books and movies, and good use of rap slang throughout. Especially liked 'Head-m is a B/Return of Dumble-the-d'. GREAT!
brightCAP - June 18, 2012 - Report this comment
Thanks, Glen!! I studied the original pretty intensely and I'm pleased with how mine came together. Plus now I can spit the OS like a G.
Agrimorfee - June 18, 2012 - Report this comment
Welcome to the ABC tournament, and you came into this like gangbusters! I am not familiar with your work, this parody makes me want to check out your other stuff. Excellent rappin' wizardry here.
Porfle Popnecker - June 18, 2012 - Report this comment
Only seen the first film a long time ago, but this was really well-written.
Matthias - June 20, 2012 - Report this comment
I liked that you really got into the mindset of Jay Z while writing this one as if he was going to do a tribute about Harry Potter then this is the way he would write it. I really enjoyed this one and I'm a huge Harry Potter nerd so that totally helps the situation. It's ya boy!
Mark Scotti - June 21, 2012 - Report this comment
(ABC) What a way to introduce yourself to our wacky crew. Quite "magical"!!!!
Blaydeman - June 21, 2012 - Report this comment
(ABC) I see someone's trying to take my title as "The Rap Guy" away from me with this one. Amazing job. Perfect pacing, amazing rhymes, and hilarious to boot. This just all came together... as if by magic or something!
bobpiecheese - June 21, 2012 - Report this comment
(ABC) This...was...AWESOME. Seriously, awesome rhymes here, a lot of great references, and the pacing was so tight I can forgive using "Quidditch" in place of "girl". Easily looking forward to more of your work, and I hope they're as kick-arse as this one! 555 mugs of butterbeer!
Abbott Skelding - June 22, 2012 - Report this comment
Oh man, I really want to love this parody, unfortunately, without having seen any of the Harry Potter movies, it makes it kind of hard to do that. However, the pacing was really really well done
Meriadoc - November 06, 2012 - Report this comment
Very ambitious parody and seems well executed, but Harry Potter stuff I'm afraid leaves me yawning.
Phil Alexander - September 28, 2013 - Report this comment
Just writing my own take on the OS, and thought "I wonder if someone's done the Harry Potter" version.. this is *so* much better than any HP-based parody I'd do that I'm not going to try..

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