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Song Parodies -> "Dan"

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The Lyrics

This is a homage to all those fans of Dan Brown's Da Vinci Code who think they can actually find Mary Magdalene in the basement of the Louvre. SEEK THE TRUTH!
(Chorus by Sir Leigh Teabing - Sir Ian McKellen in the movie - sipping on his tea)

My tea's gone cold I'm wondering why I..
got out of bed at all
The morning rain clouds up my window..
and I can't see at all
And even if I could it'll all be gray,
but your picture on my wall
It reminds me, that it's not so bad,
it's not so bad..

1st Chorus: volume gradually grows over raindrop background
2nd Chorus: full volume with beat right after "thunder" noise

['Eleandior' as 'the Stan']
Dear Dan, I wrote but you still ain't callin
I left my cell, my pager, and my home phone at the bottom
I sent two emails back in autumn, you must not-a got 'em
The Vatican was probably hackin' your website or or somethin'
Sometimes I mix up web addresses or type sloppy when I jot 'em
but anyways, shoot man! You blew me clear outta the water
Magdalene got pregnant and Jesus Christ's the father
The church assasins led a slaughter to get the daughter
I hope they don't get Sophie
I read about the plagiarism case too I'm sorry
I know some guys on the net who say all you do is copy
I know you probably hear this everyday, but I'm your biggest fan
I even got a pre-order at Borders for The Solomon Key, man
I got a room full of your puzzles and your pictures Dan
I like the stuff you did with Opie too, though Hanks looked BAD!
Anyways, I hope you get this man, hit me back,
just to chat, truly yours, Eleandior,
your biggest fan.

{Chorus: Sir Leigh Teabing}

[Eleandior as 'the Stan']
Dear Dan, you still ain't called or wrote, I hope you have a chance
I ain't mad - I just think it's MESSED UP you don't answer fans
If you didn't wanna talk to me outside of Borders
you didn't have to, but you coulda signed Deception Point for Raobhtrae
That's my sock-puppet man, he's only three months old
We waited in the blistering cold for you,
four hours and you just said, "No."
That's pretty crappy man - you're like his frickkin idol
He wants to be just like you man, he likes you more than I do
I ain't that mad though, I just don't like bein lied to
Remember when I emailed your website - you said if I'd write you
you would write back - see I'm just like you in a way
I don't think the church is righteous neither
It's always oppressed women and Gnostic thinkers
I can relate to what you're saying in your books
so when I have a lousy day, I read a chapter or a few
cause I don't really got much else so that stuff helps when I'm depressed
I never studied more than MA Psychology at best
Sometimes I even quote from Gnostic gospels and I see
How right you were, it's such a sudden rush for me
See everything you say is FACTUAL, and I respect you cause you tell it
My boyfriend's jealous cause I talk about you 24/7
But he don't know you like I know you Dan, no one does
He don't know what it was like for people like us growin up
You gotta call me man, I'll be the biggest fan you'll ever lose
Sincerely yours, Eleandior
We should be together too

{Chorus: Sir Leigh Teabing}

[Eleandior as 'the Stan']
Dear Mister-I'm-Too-Good-To-Call-Or-Write-My-Fans,
this'll be the last package I ever send your ass!
It's been six months and still no word - I don't deserve it?
I know you got my last two emails;
I wrote the addresses on 'em perfect
So this is my cassette I'm sending you, I hope you hear it
I'm in the car right now, I'm doing 90 on the freeway
Hey Dan, I drank a fifth of vodka, you dare me to drive?
You know how Silas was saved by an earthquake in the middle of the night
And Aringarosa rescued him and gave him purpose and meanin'
But Silas shot him by mistake and that's how the police found 'em?
That's kinda how this is, you coulda rescued me from drowning
Now it's too late - I read the whole Nag Hammadi Library and I'm drowsy
and all I wanted was a lousy letter or a call
I hope you know I ripped ALL of your pictures off the wall
I love you Dan, we coulda been together, think about it
You ruined it now, I hope you can't sleep and you dream about it
And when you dream I hope you can't sleep and you SCREAM about it
I hope your publisher DUMPS YOU and Solomon Key TANKS without me
See Dan; {*screaming*} Shut up b***h! I'm tryin to talk!
Hey Dan, that's my boyfriend screamin in the trunk
but I didn't shoot him dead, I tied him with a cilice - I ain't like you
'cause as he rolls around he'll suffer more, later I'll flagellate him too!
Well, gotta go, I'm almost out of tape now
Oh shoot, there's a sign, and it says, "the - bridge - is -out"!
{*car tires squeal*} {*CRASH*}
.. {*brief silence*} .. {*LOUD splash*}

{Chorus: Sir Leigh Teabing}

[Dan Brown voice-over]
Dear Eleandior, I meant to write you sooner but I've been busy
I'm due to make a book tour to promote the Solomon Key.
Look, I'm really flattered you think I'm as RENOWNED as that
and here's an autograph for your (errm) puppet,
I wrote it on the cover flap.
I'm sorry I didn't see you at the show, I musta missed you
Don't think I missed out on you intentionally, just to diss you
But what's this nonsense that the theories in the book are all TRUE?
I wrote that for the MONEY, buddy,
c'mon - how stupid are you?
You got some issues pal, I think you need some counseling
to help you distinguish FACT from FICTION in the future
And what's this stuff about us meant to be together?
That type of stuff makes me not want us to meet each other
I really think you and your boyfriend need each other
and maybe you forgot that (HELLO!) I'm married!!
I hope you get to read this letter - I just hope it reaches you in time
before you hurt yourself, I think that you'll be doin' just fine
if you relax a little. I'm glad I inspire you to stand,
But why are you so mad? Try to understand, like all the other fans
That I just want you to believe whatever you want to believe
And not take it to extremes like this girl on the news who was aggrieved -
This girl was drunk and drove her car over a bridge
there was a guy locked in the trunk, tied up with a cilice
and in the car they found a tape, but they didn't say who it was to
Come to think about, his name was.. it was you
(DISCLAIMER: Eleandior is a FICTIONAL character and a composite of the many, many Dan Brown fans out there. Any similarity that she has to persons living, dead, fictional or sock-puppet is purely coincidental.) All Rights Reserved 2006

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Pacing: 2.5
How Funny: 1.5
Overall Rating: 1.5

Total Votes: 2

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User Comments

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Jason - November 19, 2007 - Report this comment
Borrows much too much from the original song and its not funny.
Slimshady0001 - November 26, 2007 - Report this comment
You hardly changed anything. It is practically the same song.

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